"I don't think of you as disabled" and 10 other things you don't want to say to people with disabilities

Anyone of us can become disabled at any moment, regardless of age, gender, ethnicity or sexual preference. That’s an uncomfortable truth and one of the reasons why people don’t like talking about, or sometimes even to, people with disabilities.?

I was 34 when, out of the blue, I had my first epileptic seizure and 42 when, as the result of a bleed during the surgery to cure me of that epilepsy, I was rendered paralysed down my left side. A good friend of mine, whom I met during my nine months in hospital,?went to bed perfectly healthy and woke up paraplegic. She had a spinal stroke during the night and is in a wheelchair now.?

When you’re able bodied you, naturally, don’t like to think about these things and while one billion people globally (15% of the world population) experience some type of disability, the majority is actually not visible, so most of the time you don’t have to think about it. Sometimes, though, you run into people with a physical disability and that can be confronting for two reasons; 1) they make you realise how privileged you are, not being impaired in any way, like, blind, walking with a stick or in a wheelchair and 2) they make you realise how fragile life is and how yours, too, could change overnight. Your brain doesn’t like these unpleasant, confronting thoughts so in order to go back to a ‘reward’ state, where you feel safe and happy again, you might avoid looking at, or talking to, people with disabilities. It just makes you feel uncomfortable, you mean no harm.??

Then there are the things people SAY to people with disabilities, though, and that’s an entirely different story. I did not have to dig deep for the examples below, they happen ALL THE TIME to my friends with disabilities and myself. I’m rather sure that some are said with positive intent, so if you’re reading this article and shockingly realise that you say one (or more) of these thinking it’s a compliment, just know that most of us in the disabled community don’t quite experience them as such.?

1. “I don’t think of you as disabled” - I reckon you mean this as a compliment, and thanks for thinking of me, but here’s the thing: I am! I’m paralysed down my left side and it comes with a lot of daily struggles and heaps of prejudice that I face on a daily basis. I am all of me, including my disability and I need you to please accept that. A great alternative to this is saying that when you’re talking to me, or once you get to know me, you don’t notice my disability.
2. “You shouldn’t say disabled, you should say differently abled” - So you want me to label myself differently because that makes you feel better? I personally tend to say that I have a disability but disabled is not a dirty word. No, I cannot ‘do everything just differently’. There are things I simply cannot do and there are things I need help with. It’s most definitely not up to able bodied people to decide how people with disabilities define themselves.?
3. “I’d rather die than having to live like you”/”I’d kill myself if I ever ended up in your situation” - Do I even need to explain this one? Many people who were suddenly faced with a severely debilitating disability have had suicidal thoughts at some point. Your disability is always there, you can’t ever turn it off and most of us have had massive doubts about our place in the world and what our life will look like going forward. You’re not helping.
4. “Great to see people like you going outside/shopping for clothes/having a job” - Being referred to as ‘people like you’ was definitely one of the things I most had to get used to after becoming paralysed. It’s never meant in a positive way. ‘People like you’ never means ‘you fabulous resilient women’. It also makes no sense, as there are so many different types of disabilities. Apart from that, why would people with disabilities not go outside or shop for clothes (that one really baffled me)? And as for having a job; people with disabilities tend to be extremely creative and solution focused. They are a great asset to any team.?
5. “You’re far too young to be disabled” - and yet, here we are. I’ve seen children as young as six recovering from the physical effects of a stroke when I was in the rehabilitation hospital. Age has nothing to do with disability.??
6. “You’re very attractive. Well, for a disabled woman that is” - This happened again yesterday. I’ve got nothing here.?
7. “It’s all about mental strength, mind over matter. If you’d just put your mind to it/work harder, your body would function again” - Thank you for your expert advice, please show me your PhD in neurophysiology.
8. “My sister’s friend has a cousin who knows someone who had something similar to you. They tried <insert remedy> and now they’re all good again” - How wonderful for them. What makes you think I haven’t tried everything and oh, trust me, if there was a cure for paralysis, everyone would be all over it.
9. “Oh so you can walk, you’re just too lazy” - I generally walk but on days when I’m in a lot of pain, or in places with a lot of people, meaning high risk of falling due to being pushed over, I use a wheelchair. Please check your judgement at the door.
10. “You’re such a great example of how you can overcome a disability” - again, I know you’re trying to give me a compliment. Please realise there’s no such thing as 'overcoming a disability'. I’m paralysed and I’m dealing with that the best I can. Every single day I need to think 10 steps ahead whenever I want to do something; will there be parking close by? Is there a chance I may have to stand for more than ten minutes (I can’t)? Will it be crowded and do I run the risk of people bumping into me (I have very limited balance so I might fall and then won’t be able to get up again)? I even need to check weather conditions: too much wind may literally blow me over given my limited balance and snow/ice is the one condition I really can't walk in cause it's too slippery. I need to overcome obstacles that you wouldn’t think twice about. And that’s okay ‘cause it’s made me resilient and super creative. So compliment me on that.???

July was Disability Pride Month and I’m extremely fortunate to work for a company that actively looks at ways to promote disability awareness and inclusivity and also acknowledges they still have work to do in that area. That’s miles ahead of where most companies are and while the conversation on disabilities remains an uncomfortable one, it’s also one we need to keep having. Because disabilities are just another form of diversity so let’s keep moving forward!