"I Don't Mean to Hurt You......."

Ingrid Ozols

*Please forgive me if this is potentially triggering or distressing. As part of World Suicide Prevention Day, I offer my lived experience as someone who has attempted suicide on multiple occasion and also has cared for immediate family members who have tried to take their life.

This is for all us touched by mental illness, by suicide, suicidal behavior, suicide attempts and those bereaved and those of us loving someone who has made attempts on their lives.

This may help in how and why the art of connecting comes from caring communication and why this is so important to saving a life, and helping the carer to understand this isn’t their fault, no-one is to blame. Suicide is multi-factorial and so very complex.

Everything hurts, sharply, deeply, I can’t breathe, think or move. It’s like a knife has ripped through me and is twisting and turning my insides. Nothing, nowhere offers comfort or escape.  My body is under siege.  A mixture of physical and emotional pain occupies my being, disconnecting me from myself and life.

Day in day out, fragile to the point I will break beyond repair, into tiny shards of glass. I can’t see beyond today. Tomorrow doesn’t exist. Trying to dream, visualize tomorrow brings up a blank black canvas. I don’t chose this and fight it with all my strength – which at various times is so exhausting. There is no energy for myself or will, yet somehow I find a way to keep going for others…my loved ones, my work…not to the best of my ability, but I try, something, anything. One slow heavy step at a time.

Tentacles are choking and turning the inside of my brain, playing confusing tricks, altering my thinking, perceptions, reactions. Cognition, concentration, coping is compromised, paranoia or distrust of everything, everyone, but mostly myself increases the determination to fight against the demons.

When in a healthier space, I love living and live to the fullest. I love intensely, work hard, and play hard to make up for when I am paralysed, crippled by psychological pain

I have wanted to and tried to take my life since I was 7 years old. Trauma on top of trauma has skewed my thinking, feelings and emotions. Getting through a day was a miracle I believed I would might not get through.

My family where refugees from Latvia, in a strange country having survived the war and its atrocities. They were all damaged and broken souls from their life experiences. 

So early on in childhood, I was met with; “There was nothing to cry or whinge about. Just because mum and dad where divorcing, I would be ok if I got on with life. It was actually a good thing, clearly the parent who left me didn’t care”  

Yes, but…. No buts, no acknowledgement of pain or grieving was allowed! Get on with life. Nothing to heal from. Just keep going.

These teachings came from a place of expressing “gratitude and appreciation” to how lucky we were compared to others.  In part this was to acknowledge a far better life than what had been before. As well as my family’s coping mechanisms to deal with their unresolved trauma’s.

Expressing vulnerability, sadness in the land of plenty and where everyone was given a “fair go” was a sign of selfishness, weakness, lack of appreciation that was not kind or “Christian”. At the end of the day, whenever I faced any level of anxiety for anything that came my way I would be told “I didn’t see my dad being hurt, tortured or murdered” as they had seen their loved ones. So what do I have to be sad about?

I lived in a mud of emotions that couldn’t be expressed anywhere, to anyone.  I thought that was how everyone existed. To even think about sharing with someone outside the family, was a betrayal like no other. As a child, one may have thought affection and soothing to be a natural reaction, but when emotions and feelings where met with anger and a sense of indignation, a world of secrecy began in an effort to keep the peace.

In the main, most of us do not mean to deliberately cause trauma or hurt anyone else, but sometimes life, circumstances choices, reactions are beyond our control and can have unintended harmful hurtful consequences.

There are of course instances hurting another is very deliberate physically, emotionally or both.

In my case, my emotions where gurgling beneath for so long, bursting out was a matter of when, not if. They couldn’t be kept hidden forever, manifesting themselves to eventually come out in all sorts of harmful destructive and painful ways.

A times a leaky boat, just as I thought I had successful filled and fixed one whole, another one pops up somewhere else, gushing water again!

On the occasions I had been admitted in to hospital for my suicide attempts, I know this caused incredible fear, distress and pain, traumatizing my family. I am so very sorry, I didn’t for one second do this to hurt them. I was reaching out for something, anything to relieve my pain. I couldn’t articulate the words, “I need help, a hug, I am not coping” the words would not physically come out.   In trying to rid myself of this agony, I believed I was sparing my loved ones more hurt. I had a convincing voice telling me that by me being gone, I would be less of a burden, complication and heart ache to them. I felt insignificant, unworthy of being loved, or lovable and not “good enough” Honestly, I didn’t feel loved or valued. That there was no hug or I love you’s, or acknowledgement of pain or empathy, no offer of any emotional pain relief or support”, instead I was met with intense anger and shame leading in my case to further isolation and attempts to take my life.

Hearing suicide and suicidal behaviour is “attention seeking behavior” is like a loaded rifle firing more deadly bullets as if implying that our inability to cope is flippant, energy wasting phase we have turned on to say “ hello, I am here, would like some attention please!” And wouldn’t that be welcomed if that was all this was! This horrid stigma doesn’t encourage help seeking.

The messages in many reports directed to our policy and decision makers, even the community about the “broader ripple effect” and wider impact that we will traumatize our loved ones for generations, blames us yet again.  Adding to feelings of alienation, isolation, deep shame and guilt. Doing nothing to encourage disclosing one’s emotional chaos. Words can be like machetes, triggering and potentially fatal to those who are vulnerable. We have seen this from the many cases of cyberbulling and “Brodie’s Law”

When a loved one has had a physical health problem or injury offering pain relief is common place. “This isn’t your fault, accidents happen, you can’t help getting crook” When illness, injury, death occurs, most common reactions are an outpouring of love, support, practical help, food cooking, “Chicken soup”, shopping, some gesture that symbolizes we are here for you.

We wouldn’t blame or shame someone who has been diagnosed with cancer or has a heart attack, or some other illness or disease, we wouldn’t think to say they are “attention seeking, selfish, cowardly, wanting the easy way out or that they did this to intentionally to hurt a loved one”.

Our recent well intentioned campaigns and the tireless work we do in this sector to face the enemy that is suicide, has been calling for community to reach out, start a conversation, show compassion and kindness, to build a basic human connection to offer the important too often missing gift that is “attention” in some form to nurture ultimately all of us.

When my late mother and more recently my daughter tried to take their lives, I was conflicted by intense fear, sadness, frustration and yes anger. I couldn’t hug them enough. How could I soothe their pain? Offer comfort? What did I do wrong? What did I say? Did I trigger this? Them? What could I have done differently? What can I do now, going forward? Emotions gush out. I want to fix, and fix it now and forever for them. What is the chicken soup recipe for this that I need?

Caring is tough, emotive, complex, that doesn’t give us an excuse not to try – to reach out, to comfort another and show we care. We don’t have to understand or be able to fix things for another – we can’t. But that’s ok. Caring can be shown in so many many ways. Creating an atmosphere where a person feels safe, compassionate listening (zipping our lips on our opinions), being present in the moment in a mindful and sensitive way with the person, hugging them, letting them express themselves whether sobbing or talking or not neither. Asking the person what do they need that will help them feel better? Sets the scene for a brave conversation. Giving attention is an invaluable life saving gift, just as giving of ourselves and our time.

Caring 24/7 for weeks, months, years, a lifetime is something one doesn’t understand unless in those circumstances.

We are all flawed and unique – making mistakes as we go in our journey’s. Doing the best we can with the best intentions. Sometimes we will get things right and sometimes we won’t. But mostly we want to help and are motivated because we love and care deeply. We don’t like seeing another in pain or suffering. It is hellish to watch, we feel and are helpless, unable to find a way to stop the pain.

Today I fight for a better way of being for myself and those around me. I have always held a powerful determination that if I did see through my childhood and miraculously made it through adolescence to adulthood, I would live differently. I resolved I would lead enjoy a more positive healthy. I do appreciate the blue sky and greenery, the perfume of flowers, the love of family, friends and our animal companions. To get taken away by the sounds of music and water rippling.

Wellness of heart, mind and soul takes work courage and support. We can’t do this alone, not for ourselves or those we love. Togetherness is key.