I don't love me anymore.

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I love the network for creating an empowering environment for individuals. For that reason, today, I am choosing to share my vulnerability in the hope that someone somewhere will read this and resonate with me.

I am writing this article today for me. No exciting photos to capture your attention, no taglines, no putting on a mask- Just words written in black on a white piece of paper. So if you're engaged so far for whatever reason, whether that is to laugh at my insecurities for your entertainment or to hear me out, I thank you in advance.

Scene set. Now, why am I showing my vulnerability? Selfishly, I want to grow. On the other hand, if someone out there is feeling the same, I want them to know that I am right here with you on this journey.

The last two years for me have been tumultuous. I sat day after day in the same spot, doing the same things, in the same routine, forcing myself to believe everything was ok. Sure, I had my little outbursts of article writing sharing my thoughts on specific topics, but when it came to the most painful and the deep and meaningful stuff, I internalised it all. When there was a moment to break free, I moved states, moved jobs, made new friends, and made changes. Some people look to stabilise their life to create a safety net, I did the exact opposite.

For those of you who know a little about me, I am a sadistic animal that craves change—thriving in an unstable, challenging environment. I was the same when I was five, ten, sixteen or today years old.

I am also very lucky. Call it luck, effort, or a bit of both. I landed three jobs within the last twelve months, one after the other, in amazing organisations people want to be a part of. Titles people work so hard to achieve. Through forced change came forced self-growth.

Every change I made, the decision was entirely mine, and I did it for myself. I knew I would nail every role I landed, but once I started, I woke up and put a brave face on with a mission set as a daily reminder on my phone, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". During the day, I would focus all of my energy on positively impacting the people I am working with. I would then log off and start to punish myself. I was unhappy because I felt that I could never do enough. I would criticise myself all night and continuously tell myself that I am not the right person for the job because I am not delivering enough. The toxic behaviour of self-criticism drove me to seek approval of myself through others; all the while, I disapproved of myself.

Sure, other reasons contributed to me making these moves, but we're not here to talk about externalities; I'm here writing about the demons in my head.

Philosophical quotes can teach you life lessons, but applying them depends on each individual and how they interpret it. To me, that daily quote nearly broke me. What may have seemed an indecisive, damaging career move to others resulted from feeling like what I have achieved in my career wasn't enough.

Over the last twelve months, I would spend sleepless nights studying. Expanding my knowledge is an area I really love, just like I love change. Problem-solving something I don't know and learning new things gave me a sense of relief. I picked up four languages, gained certifications for anything and everything I found interest in and started painting and cooking. This was my 'out'. It was my distraction but also a way for me to think that the more I can do, the more I'll be able to love myself and be loved.

The adverse effect, though, became a vicious circle. Again, my thoughts trapped me. Disabled me. Disillusioned me.

This drove me to the conclusion, which is the topic of my article today. I don't love me anymore. Now, instead of trying so hard to love myself, I accept myself and who I truly am, doing things I truly love doing.

The next chapter is going to be about building something from scratch, applying everything I know and have learnt. Finding happiness through doing less but more meaningful, not doing more but less meaningful.

Life is full of mystery, and for the change-hungry animal that I am, my heart beats with excitement for another day. Thriving to live my life to the fullest, for me.

#selflove #selflovejourney #sharingtheload #sharingthoughts #lifelessons #lifelessonlearned #fridaythoughts #fridaymotivation #changemaker #changeforthebetter #beyourownboss #beyourbest #mentalhealth #mentalfitness