I Don't Know What It's Like To Be Afraid

Early on in my career I was in a team building session with clients.?You all know the one.?Led by a moderator.?Sitting in a circle.?And being coached about how to work together better.?In this one exercise we were instructed to share something positive about each person in the group.?And when it came to the person who was my boss at the time, he looked at me and said “Patrick, you are the most fearless person I have ever met.” (Thank you Rich Fryling)?This wasn’t something new for me to hear.?Versions of it had been said to me since I was a teenager.?I have always been direct.?Socially confident.?Outspoken.?Competitive.?Willing to challenge conventional thinking.?But in this moment, in front of my colleagues and senior clients it gave me even more permission to own that quality and it’s served me well.?

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On my way into work last Friday (yes I came in to the office on a Friday) I read a post by an old colleague of mine about Pride Month (Thank you Mark Pritchard).?And it made me think about recent conversations I have had about prejudice and hate, with friends and colleagues (Thank you Walt Geer, Zach Shapiro and Joval Martin)… suddenly it clicked.?I genuinely don’t know what it’s like to be afraid.?I am a straight, white, tall(ish), thin(ish), Christian(ish) man.?When I am intensely direct in meetings I don’t have to fear I’ll be labelled “angry”.?When I am passionate I don’t have to fear I’ll be branded “dramatic”.?When I went to bars alone in my twenties I didn’t have to fear that someone might slip something in my drink so they could assault me.?When I walk down the street holding hands with my wife I don’t have to fear someone will react to this simple gesture of love. When I drop off my sons at their quiet little parochial school in the suburbs of NJ, I do so without an ounce of fear they could be targeted for their religious beliefs.??When I am in my neighborhood, I don’t have to fear that people look at me and assume I’m in the wrong place or driving too nice a car or “match the description of a suspect” in the area.?I have the privilege of living a life without fear.?

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This isn’t a unique epiphany.?I am quite sure every friend of mine who is gay or Black or Muslim or female could have told me this in chapter and verse, word for word, through lived experiences.?The hard part for me is I can’t fully empathize with living a life with fear.?In today’s world “empathy” is the leadership buzz word that is absolute. If you’re not empathetic, then you’re a bad leader.?I can’t accurately place myself in the mindset of my friends and colleagues who are faced with this reality each and every day.?And I won’t pretend I can.?But what I can do, is care, inquire, and acknowledge. I also won’t pretend my fearlessness is simply a trait I developed because I am special.?More so it’s a trait I could build and nurture because I fit into the norms our culture embraces.?Said differently, I can live without being afraid simply because I am not special.?

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For my friends and colleagues that live with bigotry and hatred everyday, I won’t pretend I can fully understand your lived experiences. But I can use my gift of fearlessness to act and be brave enough to stand up for you and stand next to you in the hopes that one day you can experience the privilege of not knowing what its like to be special and live without fear.?Whether it’s Pride Month, or Black History Month, or Stop Asian Hate or just a random Tuesday, we’re in it together.?