I don't have trust issues, I just know better
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I believed for a long time that earning someone's trust and having people earn my trust is the modus operandi for trust. Here’s a liberating thought. People don’t have to earn your trust, you give it for free, unconditionally.
Few years ago, I found myself in a particularly daunting position when I realized that my direct bosses did not trust me. The common message was “I don’t have trust issues, I just know better”. My fight-flight-freeze reaction was immediate and involved a mix of the three. Then, to my surprise, I started some kind of grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) which was my way to intellectualize and accept the mere fact that I have to work with and for people who did not trust me. It was excruciating for me as I took pride in building my professional rapport based on reliability and trustworthiness.
Things changed when I came across Hemingway's quote saying that "the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them". Then it hit me.
Did I grant them my trust? Not really. So I did something radical, nothing like me. I trusted them, over and over again. It was a constant fight against my deeply rooted reactions. A fear of being disappointed. But above all, I experienced it as a very powerful way to make my intention clear in the given context “we’re fundamentally different people yet, we need to build a healthy working relationship”. It sounds corny. Yet, it allowed me to completely shift perspectives. I gave my trust and I knew there was a likelihood to be disappointed.
SO WHAT?
This is precisely what we all work diligently to avoid. Vulnerability. Being vulnerable is scratchy and uncomfortable. Choosing to be vulnerable is accepting the fact to be in a state where you may be attacked or harmed emotionally. So by now you may be wondering where I’m going with this. I came to believe that vulnerability-based trust is a radical approach to building strong and honest relationships. Away from any clichés of sugar coated talk and fluff, vulnerability-based trust gives an anchor to relationships to thrive. These are the kind of relationships where you are comfortable on having a heated argument without any concern about the perception of the other one.
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. (Brené Brown)
In fact, this gets us to the usual suspect, EGO! If it were a cartoon, the ego would be personified by one of The Daltons, a poorly skilled outlaw arrested a ton of times yet managing to escape out of jail. The gimmick becomes outrageously saddening when I’m facing a leader to whom I look up, and so does the team. It’s the most renowned self-sabotage technique for a leader, as you become predictably boring, or boringly predictable. Standing behind your beliefs and voicing your opinions is one thing, and looking down on your team is another. Before looking at people who surround you with utter judgement, take a look at the mirror first. The lengths people go through in situations to simply prove they were right, justify their (wrong) choices and have the last word! All a matter of poorly placed ego. I attended a leadership training a couple of weeks ago where the trainer used this extremely habile metaphor, so he went:
Imagine that your ego is a coat, hang it in the coat hanger in the corner of the room, and do me a favor, forget it there when you leave this room
Above all, becoming aware and intentional about the impact I create in my daily interactions brought a whole new level emotional intelligence in my relationships.
Sincerely yours,
Hind