I DIED Before my Death, Last Night...

I am not the most important person and the world will be just fine without me! This is the ultimate truth and I learnt it last night.

Continuing as a one-sided headache from two days and some other symptoms from over a fortnight, yesterday in the late afternoon I landed at a moment of excruciating and unbearable pain in my head and ears.

The pain was so bad that I couldn't speak or express. A tear fell down my eyes, which caused the ripple effect of unendurable pain and I felt suffocated for lack of expression. I called up my best friends who live closest among the people who can turn up to save my life. I was rushed to the emergency ward and things were taken care of. It turned to be Sinusitis at a certain level, which needed immediate cure. Drowsy still, I find it cathartic to pen down my observations and learning with this dying before death experience.

*I absolutely love and respect Sushmita Sen from the core of my heart. Last evening, I felt like her only. Just like her news of heart-attack was a shock, despite her fitness regime, my moment of darkness also was a shock for me. A good exercise/ yoga/ fitness regime, meditational totally, calm-minded, yet I landed here. I have been rock solid in the face of adversities, never asking for help, speaking, moving, shouting and taking everything in my stride. That is how I knew myself. But today I was absolutely silent and sending a message such as, "Come asap, I'll die."

*Having two kids to look after and having no direct help made me realise how rude I have been with myself. I didn't accept suitable proposals, mostly because I felt I was nowhere and didn't want any man to tell me later that he "saved" my life and "helped" my kids. I was probably just fighting over adversities and not living for myself at all. I was not just "strong", I also was fulfilling some random norms to be looked up as "strong."

*What is my purpose? Why am I alive is a question that has been haunting me ever since. And I realised this is yang or masculine search. Femininity or the yin energy is about surrender, about "beingness", about staying in a flow state. Why should there be a purpose for everything and everyone? Why can't you just be? Why can't you be grateful for being capable of asking that question, which involves possessing a mind to enquire and a mouth to verbalise? Why can't you just fold your hands and say thank you for this life?

*My kids were in tears to see me this, but the entrance of their father in the scene made them relaxed and happy. As an observer, I felt for the first time, that I am not all that important as I think myself to be. All the time, I have been actively fighting problems, illnesses and lack because I thought that I needed to be the saviour and messiah for my kids. But guess what, they will be just fine without me too!

*In a past life I had promised myself that I will express myself as a writer and speaker and help other women do the same. But how does it really matter? I wanted to make something out of my life, I did by changing myself inside out through learning, following spirituality, having multitudes of mentors and so on. Do some women need me, or they can do without me. My staying or going does not matter. I'm not so important.

*I saw how our long-term and short-term plans can go for a toss over life-threatening situations. People kept calling, maids kept coming and whether I appear in front of others or not, the world will go on.

*I was in such extreme pain that I couldn't tell my kids that I love them the most and wisely enough I didn't want to promise to come back to take care of them. Backed up with the knowledge of my past lives and others past lives as a Past Life Regression Therapist, I knew I needed to be free. I just told God, I surrender to you. I died before death and as an observer saw that only my mother would have a chasm deep within on losing me and my children would never get the love they deserved. But eventually all will be fine. This thought gave me relief and I felt much less stressed. I felt free. I realised that we should only fight for what we can change but when a situation becomes inevitable, we should surrender. I did that precisely. My friend who turned up talked to me sweetly, my divorced ex-husband stood by "responsibly", my sisters and mother kept calling my friend back and forth, while I moved undisturbed. That is the ultimate truth. We worry for future, we may not exist in the next moment. And that is how I died before my death.

*I realised that ultimately, I don't have that one person who will understand my pain from my eyes, my silence or from my telepathic call. But I have God and I have been given a life to love myself and do the work of God. For the love of God, I will live with love, happiness, gratitude and surrender.

One moment of excruciating, unbearable pain,

A realisation that there may be no next moment,

An understanding that the pain is so immense that you can't even express it,

Is like a death and Rebirth simultaneously.

Suddenly, you know the value of every single moment,

You understand love, relationships and your own powers.

You understand how you could change your reality,

Which was held back because of your own lethargy and laid back attitude.

You appreciate life, AS IT IS!

You know life is a pure blessing ,

You want to buy the possibilities,

Even the simplest ones,

Which seemed boring previously

And you blamed the universe, calling yourself unlucky.

An extended moment of excruciating pain and hopelessness

Can trigger your respect for life

And you know you are "lucky"

IF YOU ARE ALIVE,

You can create and transform your life,

IF YOU ARE ALIVE.