I Didn’t Want to Be a Caregiver

When I was a young woman, I had dreams, plans, and a vision of how my life would unfold. Caregiving wasn’t anywhere on that list. My husband and I were just a few years into our marriage, still learning who we were as individuals and as a couple. And then, life threw us a curveball that I never saw coming.

Before I truly knew who I was, I became a caregiver to my husband.

I didn’t see myself as a caregiver at first. In my mind, I was simply a wife doing what needed to be done for her husband. It didn’t occur to me that what I was doing, managing his care, juggling responsibilities, and constantly adjusting to new challenges, was caregiving. I wish I could say that realization came quickly, but it didn’t. It took me 15 years.

Why It Took So Long to Identify as a Caregiver

Looking back, I realize that not identifying as a caregiver cost me dearly. For 15 years, I struggled to accept my new reality. I didn’t know there were support groups, resources, or communities that could have helped me navigate those uncharted waters. Instead, I tried to shoulder it all on my own. The emotional weight of the situation often felt unbearable, and I didn’t have the tools to process what I was feeling.

I didn’t want to admit to myself, or anyone else, that this wasn’t the life I imagined. I was overwhelmed, resentful at times, and deeply guilty for feeling that way. But most of all, I was lost. Lost in the role I hadn’t asked for, lost in emotions I didn’t know how to handle, and lost in the silence of trying to do it all alone.

What I Learned (the Hard Way)

It wasn’t easy, but I eventually came to terms with my role as a family caregiver. In hindsight, there are three key lessons I wish I had learned sooner:

1. Identify as a Family Caregiver as Soon as Possible

Acknowledging that you’re a caregiver is the first step toward finding the support you need. When you recognize the role, you start to see the resources available to you—whether it’s support groups, online communities, or caregiving organizations. If I had known I was a caregiver earlier, I wouldn’t have spent so many years feeling isolated.

2. Find a Community

Caregiving is hard, but it’s even harder when you’re doing it alone. There are people out there who know exactly what you’re going through, who can empathize with your struggles and celebrate your wins. These connections remind you that you’re not alone, and sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to keep going.

3. Seek Counseling or Therapy

The emotions of caregiving can be overwhelming, grief, anger, guilt, and even resentment. Therapy gave me tools to process those emotions in a healthy way and helped me move forward with more clarity and strength. You don’t have to carry those emotions by yourself.

For Anyone Who Feels Like I Did

If you’re reading this and feeling overwhelmed, please know it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. It’s okay to feel like caregiving wasn’t part of your plan. But it’s also important to acknowledge what you’re experiencing and seek help.

Caregiving isn’t just about taking care of someone else; it’s about learning to take care of yourself in the process. I learned that the hard way, but my hope is that you don’t have to.

You’re not alone in this. There are people, tools, and communities waiting to support you. You just have to take the first step, and I promise, it’s worth it.

What about you? Have you ever found yourself in a role you didn’t expect? How did you navigate it? Let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear your story.

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