I Didn’t Grow Up in a House that Said “Sorry”

The following is adapted from Secret Pandemic.

I didn’t grow up in a house that said “sorry.”?

Arguments with my father where my mother fought dirty were never met with an apology, only him storming out red-faced to drive his car alone along the West Coast Highway and returning hours later, calm.?

I even remember when my sister and I fought, hurt each other, clawed at each other as kids. My parents never did that American TV thing, making us stand facing them in the living room and say “sorry” to each other.?

I didn’t learn to apologize until I was an adult, and apologizing and I have had a more tumultuous long-term relationship than most of my actual romantic relationships. But I now know that a sincere apology is one of the greatest tools you can have for healing disconnection in your most treasured relationships.

I’ve noticed that many people today seem as if they’re allergic to the word “sorry.” But having a good sincere “sorry reflex” can serve us well. Apologies are essential to maintaining connections, like watering a plant when the soil gets too dry. Read on to learn how you can use healthy apologies to strengthen your connections with others.?

Apologize to Others with Sincerity

A sincere apology is not sarcastic. Dr. Aaron Lazare, an expert on apologies, says, “Good apologies can foster healing, but a bad apology only makes a bad situation worse.”?

An apology prefaced by “I am sorry you feel that way” doesn’t validate our involvement in the hurt caused but rather gaslights the other person into feeling they only perceived the hurt. It’s a terrible way to add fuel to the fire.?

When we say “sorry” with sincerity, we build deeper connections with family and friends because it is risky. That risk and exposure make it an act of vulnerability, and vulnerability truly connects. The lack of pride it takes to apologize demonstrates that we value the connection over our own ego. All connection deepens off vulnerability.?

We are not guaranteed forgiveness or that our apology is accepted simply by saying “sorry.” An apology is like scar tissue; it sits over a wound and allows it to close over and heal. We remember and are grateful to the people who apologized for hurting us. It connects us.

Discern Who the People are in Your Tribe Who May Need an Apology from You

Here’s a quick exercise to reveal people you may need to apologize to. Scroll through the most frequently used messaging app on your phone. Look at each person’s name and think of them. If you arrive at a person’s name where you stop and feel some energy that is not so positive, it may be a sign you need to offer an apology.?

I want you to really go deep. Close your eyes and think of how you feel each time you have interacted with this person. Have you maybe had a disagreement, an angry email, or a harsh word to them in the past? Now it’s time to take ownership over the unsaid apology, that thing that hangs in the air like an open wound.?

I have reached out and done this a few times in my life to people who deserved an apology; it’s scary but so worth it. Do know that not everyone will respond or accept it, but if you’re still in contact with them, the probability is quite high that they will.

Recognize When You Don’t Need to Say “Sorry”

Boundaries for apologizing are just as important as apologizing. We don’t have to apologize for every single thing we do or for the act of being ourselves.?

In 2015, in the wake of therapy, as the process wore me down and recalibrated me, I hadn’t secured my boundaries yet. Everything was in flux. As a result of this, I let many people into my life I wouldn’t now and tolerated unbelievably bitchy behavior from people I wouldn’t now. I was apologetic for everything, including just being me.?

I look back at some of the nasty people during that time, and I know with assuredness that I do not owe them an apology and that we are better off not being in one another’s orbits. This includes family, which is really difficult for me to say as an Asian woman. I was conditioned to tolerate everything from bitchiness, verbal abuse, and harsh gossip from aunties, cousins, and more.?

After therapy, the breaking down and building myself back up, I now have really clear boundaries. Think about your own relationship boundaries. Do you find yourself apologizing just for being you?

Make Reparations If Needed

Look at the ways the hurt was caused. If the hurt caused may have been meant to embarrass or cause shame, then apologize to restore dignity and any hurt. But if there has been some sort of loss or damage to property, there needs to be additional reparations. If you scraped another parent’s car at the schoolyard, then apologizing for it plus offering to pay for the damage comes across as more sincere.

The best way to begin approaching an apology is by looking at the offense. Is the apology worded in a way that reflects the offense? For example, infidelity in a partnership would see the wording of the apology with a tone that marks the gravity of the offense. You wouldn’t use the same language to apologize for leaving the toilet seat up as you would for cheating on your spouse. Eye contact, body language, and emotion all communicate remorse just as powerfully as words.?

Following the apology, there would be steps to remedy the behavior. Here’s an example in the case of a cheating spouse: “I know I cannot take back what I have done. It was terrible. I am so sorry. I am committed now to being here at home, focusing on our time together, and seeing a couples therapist with you.”

By apologizing in the right way and focusing on providing healing for the person we have hurt, we can more comprehensively maintain the health of our most valued relationships.

Apologizing is Terrifying—and Worth It

“Sorry” is one of the most powerful things you can say to the people you love to diffuse hurt and bring harmony back. So, why is apologizing so difficult for us?

Apologizing is nothing short of terrifying. TERRIFYING because it is one of the actions in our lives that requires a huge amount of vulnerability because acceptance of your apology is never guaranteed. The reason apologies are so healing is also because of this same vulnerability. When someone makes themselves sincerely vulnerable to us, it’s a gift.?

I describe it as ripping your heart out and placing it on a silver platter on the floor between you and another person, hoping they don’t step on it. This is why truly apologizing is so scary. We lose the psychological safety we are wired to crave as human beings, but it is so worth doing if you treasure your human connections.

For more advice on apologizing, you can find Secret Pandemic on Amazon.

Simone Heng is a human connection specialist and former international broadcaster for Virgin Radio Dubai, HBO Asia, and CNBC, among others. With over fifteen years of experience around the world as a communicator on-air, on stage, and one-on-one, connection has always been her life’s work. As a speaker, Simone inspires people to connect in a world thirsty for connection. She has spoken to thousands and often for Fortune 500 organizations. Her clients include Google, Bytedance, Salesforce, SAP, L’Oréal, TEDx, The United Nations, and many more. Simone and her work have been featured on Forbes, CNN and in Vogue, Elle, and Harper’s Bazaar, among others.