I did a thing recently...

A thing I haven’t done since school. I put myself forward to take another ‘grade’ with the Associated Board of the Royal School of Music (ABRSM).

Throughout my childhood, I worked my way up the grades on various instruments - grade 1-7 on the violin (starting age 6 having been 'playing' for a few years - put in quotations as I'm told to start with I just liked to hit people with my instrument!) Think I went straight in for grade 5 on my flugel horn and it's the only one I took. The grades top out at 8 but when I got to that point on the violin it was the same time as my A levels and I must have prioritised those so never got the ‘full sweep’ but for context, doing these exams were a natural part of my educational landscape.

Deciding to do one in SINGING, I have learned SO MUCH - not necessarily about the music itself but about the thoughts in my head, my reactions, triggers, assumptions and ability to choose! Here’s a few off the top of head thoughts…

First it took me agest to get started...

I first found out that you could take not just a grade in singing, but a grade in singing MUSICAL THEATRE songs, a YEAR ago when I visited Musical Con. I remember thinking to myself, yeah that could be fun because I really do LOVE MUSICAL THEATRE - but will admit that it's not something I have FULLY embraced until more recently in life.

What got in the way? Almost immediately I was hearing thoughts of ‘there’s no point doing this unless you get a distinction’ (with music grades you either get a pass, merit or distinction - I remember mostly getting distinctions as a child with the occasional 'disappointing' merit - I know I know!) Another thought was 'there’s no way you’re going to remember the lyrics for four songs you don’t know’ - bearing in mind I hadn’t even tried yet! I was totally in sabotage mode before even knowing what songs were on offer.

What I found was really pervasive was a strong sense of wanting it to be easy, how could I make it as easy as possible, what corners could I cut to NOT put myself in a state of discomfort or put myself in a position to be 'judged'.

Over the last 10 years I have done a LOT of personal inner work and pleased to say, that I now feel skilled at being able to see these things happening in my head, what they do to my body, emotions and mood and take the next step of challenging them so the step forward is not the easy choice.

Because after all, that was the point. I WANTED to do something that didn’t feel easy, I wanted to challenge myself but the pull to stay safe and small was so strong!

The reframing of the ‘judgement’ piece was recognising I wasn’t putting myself out there to be judged, but to get an assessment from a professional on where am I at now? Using what I already know and I guess, natural, talent.

I know I can sing.

I know I can sing in tune. Boy oh boy do I know I can feel. But can I put all that together in a performance so the emotion of the song is transmitted as well as hitting the right notes - some of them big ones!

Although I run choirs and music experiences for a living, the imposter syndrome is there! And I know why, I've never had a singing lesson, apart from within various community choirs, my Dad is qualified as a singing teacher and because he was sooo good, I hid behind my instruments. I'm often told I have a nice voice - by people who also tell me they’re tone deaf and come to my tuneless choir ????. So part of this was wanting to understand from someone who knows, where I am!

The more I listened to the songs on my dog walks, the more I remembered how good I used to be at remembering lyrics and also how I really hear the detail in music and can replicate that. And in the famous words of the talent show judges, 'you really made it your own' - that is NOT what this was about, it was understanding the character, the story, and channelling THAT character.

This exam was different.

It was different to the ones I used to do in that it was performance only (4 songs) and could be submitted digitally - so one continuous recording and upload (none of the terrifying in person sight reading and aural tests.)

But when you get to take, and re-take and if you fluff up, do another take - I was painfully aware this could be the case, so set myself another challenge that there would be no more than 3 takes. It's really hard when you can listen back and hear the bits that aren't quite perfect - and I get that, I know how the brain works and that we have a negativity bias and will zoom in on the imperfections feeling they will disproportionately cloud the total.

So another big challenge to be ok with that and remind myself that this wasn't about being perfect. It was about choosing to do something I wanted to do. About the Nike slogan of 'just *** do it!' (whilst taking the learnings from it!)

I did one take, which I would have been ok with submitting. But convinced myself it was a warm up and so started again. I then had two false starts - OH MY GOD the MONKEY MIND - rather than being present and singing the songs, I was skipping ahead to which bits could go awry (the hard timings with the backing tracks, not breathing in the right places to hit the notes etc.). So I had a word with myself, did some breathing to ground and did another full take and that's the one I submitted.

The aftermath

I submitted my recording on 23rd September. And then I waited. It was definitely at the back of my mind and after a week I found myself looking on the website to make sure I'd submitted it correctly, that everything was in order and how long they usually take to come back (a week).

After two weeks the status changed to 'queued for marking' but still I waited!

On 13th October I got an email saying my results were in.

I was transported STRAIGHT back to GCSE and A Level results days, there was a sickness in the pit of my stomach. And look, I'm aware I've always been an A grad student and so have no evidence to suggest that I might do badly but this is also tied up in a whole heap of transactional analysis be perfect drivers etc.

I said to myself, remind yourself why you did this, if you haven't passed, that's ok. You are still a worthwhile human! And you have LEARNED a lot from this whole thing - so that in itself is the GOLD.

My partner was sat next to me as I tried to navigate the really unintuitive website to try and find the mark.

And then I gasped! And I held my breath. I couldn't believe it. And at the same time, I could.

Writing this, I still have happy tears.

My eyes zoned in on 138 / 150 DISTINCTION

At that point, I called my parents. It was very strange for me NOT to have told them I was even planning to do it. They were surprised and delighted but the surprise was more that I hadn't told them, they have always had complete faith in my ability.

And I was not surprised by my Mum's response, "Grade 6 next"?

It's a little clue to the strength of the achievement driver instilled in me.

But pleased to say as a fully fledged 44 year old, I get to choose what next.

Grade 6 doesn't feel like the next step. Perhaps finding more things that feel fulfilling (that make me smile / are a bit challenging) is more where I'm at right now.

And if you've seen some of my other posts, you will see I have challenged myself to get 100+ people to a Christmas Kick-Off party and get them to make magic with their mouths (ooh err - I'm talking about singing).

Record of Achievement

To wrap this up, who else had one of the red leather bound 'Record of Achievement' folders. I think they were bought in when I was at school and it's where I kept my GCSE and A Level certificates and any other such stuff that were printed on pieces of paper.

I've received a couple of certificates recently; for completing the Maidenhead Boundary walk (and one for my dog Frippy), for completing Level 1-3 in Transformation Breathing and now... THIS FANCY CERTIFICATE...

And so I've decided to create a PHYSICAL folder for all this stuff because it feels like it is worth celebrating and I know we don't tend to do enough patting ourselves on the back and congratulating ourselves for the things we do well, vs the things we beat ourselves up about.

So I'll leave you with the question, 'What can you celebrate about yourself? About who you are, who you strive to be or something you have achieved?'

(Ok, I know that's a few questions - take your pick)

Would I have shared this if I failed the exam?

Yeah I think I would. The learnings were still there and just as ripe.

If anyone is interested, my performance set list was:

• What's Wrong With Me - Mean Girls (28/30)
• No Other Love - Me & Juliet (27/30)
• Backwoods Barbie - 9 to 5 The Musical (28/30)
• Honey Bun - South Pacific (27/30)
• And an overall performance grade of 28/30

And yes, I can still remember ALL the lyrics. Memory is an amazing thing, look after it.