I was depressed...and I choose to speak about it. Because it matters.

A few years ago I had developed a depression. It took me a long time to even realise what was happening to me. I had always been a happy-go-lucky type of person, so I really had no idea what was happening. At times it felt like I was losing my mind. It lasted for about 4.5 years and it felt like centuries. At times I thought it would never get better or end. This mental fog of depression finally started to lift over more than a year or so. For a good few years before that I felt like I was not alive on the inside. Today I feel like I'm 90%+ back to being my old self, back in touch with the spark of life (the feeling of being alive) that I was missing so much. The depression has lifted. And I am forever grateful for that.

I haven't talked about that here, on LinkedIn, until now. It wasn't so much that I was afraid to speak up about my mental health or worried about future career prospects. To be honest, the company that would exclude me as a candidate on the basis of that does not deserve my time and dedication anyway. I was depressed and functioned perfectly - on the outside (and this is a whole other story for some other time). Most people in my life had no idea I was depressed (and still don't). Having survived the struggle of battling my own mind for survival I am keen on never investing myself into any type of relationship that doesn't deserve and appreciate me. And that includes work.

I haven't talked about this on LinkedIn simply because I haven't felt the need up until now. Sometimes it takes time for things to settle before we can speak about them. But I had found that once people have gone through an experience of living with depression and come out the other side they feel a strong urge to speak about that - we are driven to help others dealing with it. This is my main driver. But also - to help remove the stigma associated with depression and poor mental health, in our society and in our workplaces. I think that by openly speaking about our struggles and issues we allow other people to become vulnerable and create the space for more authenticity and humanness in our workplaces and in our world. And this is desperately needed.

My depression was a result of many things that I was completely unaware of at the time. It is difficult to put it all into a short article post, but I will do my best to cover some bases. One of the most important aspects of depression is the denial of self - our needs, values, contribution to the world. This often happens with people who have, throughout their lives, for one reason or another developed weak boundaries and are people pleasers. They don't voice their opinion or their needs (I used to not be like that, but a set of specific circumstances led me down that path). This is a perfect recipe for developing anxiety when faced with difficult relationships in life, at work and in general (and we are bound to meet difficult and toxic people along the way - so learning how to develop healthy boundaries matters). This anxiety and the denial of self, over time, can lead one into a depression. The path out of that type of depression is dealing with those parts of ourselves that we've denied, reconnecting with ourselves, our authentic self (this isn't just an overused internet phrase but an important part of our being) and our intuition. The development of strong boundaries falls along this path - learning to recognise the rights we have to our needs, and learn how express and meet them. To not be afraid to demand what we deserve. To not put the needs of others ahead of our own and to truly value ourselves. Finally, there is the Voice - which is then the ability to express our boundaries in a healthy and effective way.

The reason I focus on the Voice is that it is such an important mechanism that allows us to represent ourselves, our needs, values, feelings, and who we are in this world. Voice is also an important mechanism by which us, humans, resist the unproductive uses of power. By example that means - in a toxic work environment people who are in a position to use their voice (some do it just because they think it's the right thing to do, but many do it when they calculate they are safe to do so) against what is happening will do so, with the intent of changing the situation for the better. In cases where their voice is ineffective - people will choose to exit. This is how and why so many toxic workplace environments have high turn over. High turn over is the no. 1 predictor of a toxic work culture.

When people use their voice and it is silenced or their effort is ignored (goes to waste) they lose trust in the institution. Their loyalty starts to deteriorate and they start to seek a way out. This is how companies lose exceptional employees. Often times many incredible people leave because the organisation itself didn't have and didn't enforce healthy boundaries when dealing with toxic employees. Often times, also, it takes only one toxic person to create chaos - and this one person can run the entire department or company into the ground. Companies have to stop protecting toxic high performers, especially at the cost of losing many other incredible people. There are many examples of that in small and larger companies...And I have personally seen and known so many incredible people who have gone through that. Plus - I have just recently interviewed over 30 from all around the world. Absolutely incredible people whose mental health has suffered due to a toxic workplace environment in which their companies did nothing to stop or prevent the damage being done. Companies simply have to do MUCH better when it comes to this! Forget about free lunches, snacks, etc. - companies need to act when it matters and they need to have mechanisms to protect their people.

Psychological safety in the workplace is built around the idea that people feel safe to use their Voice without fear of being humiliated or ostracised. Allowing the space in which people are able to feel safe to express themselves not only builds strong workplace relations (and allows space for more understanding and humanness) but it allows for innovation and growth. Conflict is an important aspect of innovation and growth, in order to grow we have to be willing and able to challenge the ideas presented by others. But, first we have to feel safe to do so. Secondly, this conflict has to be healthy. And what does that mean? It means that it cannot be built around personal insults - it has to be focused on the issue at hand. When conflict isn't personal people are also less likely to take it personally and have their ego offended, which saves us all a lot of trouble.

My mental health suffered because I failed to use my own Voice when I felt it mattered. I swallowed my words and stepped over my own values and beliefs, because I thought I didn't have a choice. Also, because I had seen enough to know that my Voice was going to be ineffective. In such cases it's important to remember that we ALWAYS have a choice. As much as I believe that it is the ultimate organisational responsibility to build psychologically safe work environments to protect its employees and allow them the dignity and civility of working in a place where their contribution is respected and valued, I also believe that each and every single one of us have a role to play in that as well. That role means working on our own personal development and using our Voice when needed to do so - especially when it comes to speaking up when it matters. By doing so we allow the chance to others to address injustices when needed and start to create a domino effect of people who demand to be valued for what they contribute in their workplace and speaking up for what matters.

Mental health is not a simple, linear aspect of our lives. It's complicated. It is messy. And when it's gone it takes a long time to recover from it. I wouldn't be able to be here speaking on this topic today had I not recovered from having walked that incredibly difficult path. Do I believe that the toxic workplace situation in my life contributed to it? Absolutely! It helped lead me straight into anxiety and depression. But this path has also shown me the strength and power that I posses, and has led me down the road of wanting to advocate for change in workplace relations. The work that's incredibly important. With the changing nature of the workplace and the fact that we each spend half our waking lives at work - it is crucial that we address the toxic workplace culture and build a society that's made by the people and for the people. People are the most important asset in every organisation. It's time we started being treated like that.

Today, on International Women's Day I won't even go into the plethora of issues that women face in today's workplace, but let's just say that mental health is something that should be the top of mind for everyone. Trauma informed approach to workplace relations is bound to build more compassionate, inclusive and respectful workplaces for all, women included. Let's bring civility, compassion, understanding and respect back into the workplace!