“I dare you to ask a question”
Karen Jones PhD
Scientist, Marketing Leader, Coach. We succeed when we tap into the potential of our teams through motivation, encouragement, empathy.
A cheeky side-bar conversation on our 300+ participation Town Hall this week centred around this call to action. She was brimming with questions. She didn’t ask any of them. Just one of them would have started a great conversation, opened up the floor to others, enabled a better understanding. “Quick, quick!” I urged, as I witnessed her inner demons billow the blanket over her words. Too late. The moment had passed.
How many times this has happened to me, I can’t even begin to count. When I enter the Pearly Gates I imagine that white-bearded bloke with his Times Wasted Key Performance Indicators totting up moments like this, with at least four whole years of my lifetime spent stifling new ideas, different perspectives, new initiatives, objections and the like. Alongside the five months spent inside the cupboard under the stairs, trying to pair up shoes. Tut-tut. Should have done better.
Why do we shut ourselves up like this? Tara Mohr would say it’s the inner legacy of a lifetime spent being the “good girl”; seeing people who are not like us taking the limelight and the leadership positions, telling ourselves we’re just not good enough, so best stay small. It affects us all to a lesser or greater degree, but over the past year or so I’ve especially fallen foul of it. What I’ve realised though, is that even though the outcome of the stifling is safety and staying power, the personal implication is a foreboding sense of misery.
But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, or hurtful as standing on the outside looking in and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to step into the arena. - Brené Brown
In coaching sessions I’ve found a useful way to tackle the smallness tendency, is to catch yourself at it and to name the voices inside your head who are nudging you to silence. They have a range of tasks, it turns out. Keeping you safe and silent; keeping you busy, putting you into automatic compliance mode. My coaching cohorts have come up with ingenious names for their inner voices “ShiteMeister” being one of my particular favourites. Detachment from the voices is key, then noticing and stepping through the fear over and over again brings a sense of new normality and over time, the dread feeling goes away. I used to feel my heart pounding and my head throbbing when I asked a question in a large forum. Now, I relish it. Amazing how the brain works that way.
It’s easy to say “just do it”, but these voices are powerful. I’ve had to dig into why they got so loud and remember my purpose on this mortal coil. Nobody ever achieved greatness by staying small. That being said, finding a crew of cheerleading mates willing to support me and pick up the pieces when I inevitably trip over, has been pivotal to finding courage. These brilliant friends have believed in me even when I couldn’t believe in myself.
So next time, my friend, please ask the question. I’ll be there sending you the heart emojis from the chat box.
I turn complex goals into actionable, efficient plans ?? | Project Management | Process Management | Compliance Trainings | Technical Writing
1 年Oh the friends are such an integral part of who we are. When I first moved to Sweden, I felt insecure and lost. I trusted my gut to make that big change, but as soon as I dived into the sea, I needed people who believed in me and were available to chat and do a virtual hug when odds "appeared" against me. At one of my low points, I remember thinking: "if my friends believe I can make it, they should be right because I trust them" ??
Listener, coach and change agent for marketing organisations globally.
1 年Hard to do. Worth it every time.
Listener, coach and change agent for marketing organisations globally.
1 年This is so true. Thanks for sharing. Having done some grief work, I have found that I also need to nurture a kinder inner voice because I just can't get away from my brain. I now have 2: an inner b*tch and an inner mother, sometimes I have to let them argue it out and thankfully kindness is starting win more often than not. It's rare we talk openly about these feelings, it's so important we do.
Director, Field Service Support Europe & International, Immunodiagnostic Solutions
1 年Thank you for sharing Karen, as always right on spot & truly helpful.
Manager, Clinical Education and Physician Associate
1 年This inner self talk can be overwhelming. But recently pushed that voice down and spoke my thoughts before an audience and was surprising was thanked by several for my comment. Was empowering!