As I crossed the intersection, I wanted the traffic light to turn red

As I crossed the intersection, I wanted the traffic light to turn red

I have been aware of my desire for the traffic light to stay green till I cross the intersection.

A few days back, I became aware of my desire that it turn red immediately after I have crossed the intersection. In a way, I wanted to be the last one to cross the intersection before the light turned red. There is some pleasure in being the last one to cross the intersection. I feel fortunate in such cases.

I reflected on the incident.

Why do I feel happy when people following me in traffic have to stop at the signal even though I have crossed it?

To better understand the source of this happiness, I asked myself whether it would be even better if people ahead of me in the traffic could not cross the signal even though I could.

As I listened to my feelings, I sensed that the answer was yes.

Of course, it’s not normally possible for me to cross a signal when people ahead of me are stuck. But if there arose a situation where everyone else was stuck and I was able to get out, I would feel deep happiness and gratitude.

Why would I feel so?

Perhaps because I would feel special. Why special? Everyone else was stuck, but I could get out.

Does being special have to do something with being better than others?

The answer has to be yes. Because I feel special only if I have a privilege that others don’t have. If I have what others also have, I feel normal.

For example, if I take 45 minutes on a particular route where everyone else also takes 45 minutes, I don’t have a feeling. On the other hand, if everyone else takes 2 hours and I take 45 minutes, I feel so grateful.

My life experience is greatly enhanced if others take a much longer time even though the time I take remains the same.

In other words, other people’s miseries enhance my life experience. Why? Because I feel more special and grateful for my life.

If everyone around me is equally privileged, I lose my reason for being grateful.

A similar incident occurred a few months back. I found myself very grateful to have a house over my head and sufficient food to eat when I looked outside from the window of our house and saw a beggar.

The beggar reminded me of my specialness, my privilege.

However, I soon realized that even though I was grateful for the house and sufficient food, I was not grateful for my eyes, legs, arms, and other body parts, which are more important than the house.

Why?

Because the beggar also had these, but the beggar didn’t have a house or sufficient food.

So, my sense of gratitude and specialness depended on my being better than him. If I were the same as him, I wouldn’t be grateful.

Thus, his being a beggar enhanced my experience of life since his condition made me grateful by reminding me of my specialness and my privilege. If even more people were beggars, my experience would be further elevated.

So, I realized that not only I want him to stay a beggar, I would be happier if more people became beggars.

I realized that as long as my gratitude and my specialness are contingent on my being better than others, I will naturally (subconsciously) desire misery for others.

If I don’t want to be such a person, my sense of specialness and gratitude has to come out of some non-comparative source.

Only when being better than others stops being a source of happiness for me will I desire others’ welfare in the true sense.

And that will happen only when I stop measuring my specialness by how better I am than others.

How can I stop that?

Throughout my life, I have been taught to measure my worth based on how I compare with others.

If I don’t even compare myself with others, how will I know whether I am special or worthy as a human being?

Spirituality has offered an answer to this question, and I would like to believe it.

The answer is that I am special because I exist. And so is everyone else. Everyone is special, but no one is more special than another.

Why?

Because we’re born from the same creator. How can one be more special than the other?

Therein lies the potential to become a person who doesn’t desire misery for others.

Therein lies hope for me.