I could have been!

The regrets of ones childhood

The phrase 'I wonder what I could have been if only---' is one that I have heard often and used myself.

A bit of background.

I grew up in white middle class suburbia South Africa. Life was what I deemed at the time 'normal'. It was only when I turned 44 that I realised drinking a bottle of scotch a day and being angry all the time was in fact not normal.

It wasn't until I was exposed to the "give away queen" Oprah Winfrey' show about 200 Men with Tyler Perry, that I realised my life was far from normal. The fact that I was raped by men and women as a child was not something all normal children experienced. Having an incredibly violent narcissistic mother and a seldom present father was also not ideal. Dad is a kind loving guy, but he was never around, today I understand why. Dad was simply taking care of his own sanity. At the time I felt that he wasn't there for me but today I get it, he needed to take care of himself.

I fortuitously saw the Oprah show where 200 men bravely told the world about the sexual abuse and rapes they'd suffered, and that's were my healing journey began.

There will always be doubts and regrets.

Healing was a tough journey, but there were certain sayings and inspirations that kept me going. One was from great pain comes great growth, and the other was The more I talk about this the easier it gets. But the invasive thought that plagued me during that time threatened to derail the healing process. What if, maybe I could just, if it hadn't happened, these are all normal fears that we experience while going through healing.

One of the hardest parts was the regrets.

I remember mourning the fact that I didn't have a loving caring mother, a realisation that struck me deeply one morning in the shower. I was 55 and was suddenly filled with the deepest sorrow. It was gut wrenching and I sobbed deeply as I stood under the warm water. It was time to mourn the loss of a normal loving family, that was not to be my life. I could never get it back.

I thought, why me?

Why me, I thought I was just a child, all I wanted was a mother that hugged me and encouraged me. I just wanted to be a normal little boy, and if i were, perhaps I would have grown up to be a normal adult. But it was not to be, instead I was a bottle a day alcoholic, porn and sex addict and I was a grumpy angry man with an incredibly short fuse. If only I had grown up in a normal loving home!

I had to stop myself at that point and go through all that Id been through in recovery. Martin, you've gotten to a point where you actually like yourself.

1. You support heavens knows how many men that have suffered the same.
2. You're married and for the first time you're incredibly happy
3. You have a house to live in, food to eat.
4. You have a successful business
5. You run a successful NPO
6. You have friends and colleagues that respect you and care for you
7. You're starting a new venture with three amazing men

Fact of the matter is

Without the abuses that I'd suffered as a child, I might possibly not have been any of those things above. I might have grown up normally, with out the my ADHD superpowers, my wacky, always busy making connections, brain. Fact is, like it or not, it is the abuse that I suffered as a child that turned me into the person I am today. Honest fact is, I actually like me and that's the most important thing in anyone's life. If you suffer from low self esteem, you are going to make harmful decision for yourself. You will not have the boundaries necessary to protect yourself. Instant gratification becomes your source of joy, and that isn't a great way to live.

Things always come right if you choose to heal.

Healing is a choice, I guess knowing that you are broken is the first step to healing. There are many, sadly, that know they are broken and choose to live their lives of dysfunction. The fact that society has chosen to brand your particular coping mechanisms as a "mental disorder" doesn't make it easier for victims of childhood abuse and addicts to come forward and openly discuss their problems. Much like my dislike for the term deficit and disorder when it comes to ADHD, I'm not dysfunctional, I just think differently.

I am blessed

Today I sit in the Western Cape one of the most beautiful places in the world. I sit here with my 91 year old father, able to take time of work to come care for him while my step mother travels to see family.

I am blessed, blessed to still have him in my life, blessed that he has experienced my successes, blessed that he has been able to watch my many TV interviews, many podcasts, many documentaries. I am blessed that I am able to sit with him and make amends, chat about the past, laugh cry and forgive.

I am blessed.