"I Can't Stay Long" Friends: How to Navigate these Friendships.

We all have those friends who show up to plans and immediately utter the words, "I can't stay long." These friends share some similarities with flaky friends, as both refuse to dedicate time to you. However, dealing with "can't stay long" friends can be more challenging and even more frustrating, as you only discover their lack of availability after you've already made time for them.

Picture this: you've set aside an entire afternoon or evening to catch up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. But when you meet up, they inform you that they have limited time to spare. To make matters worse, they might not even be fully present during that short window, distracted by their phone or disinterested in engaging in meaningful conversation.

It's hard not to take it personally when someone tells you they don't want to spend as much time with you as they do with others, no matter the reasons. In many cases, "can't stay long" friends are coy about their selectiveness with time or deny the true reasons behind their flakiness.

This behaviour can often feel like a form of rejection. One of my clients expressed their concern, saying, "It's a shame, but it's part of life. People find partners and don't need their friends as much. I worry I'll end up the single with no friends left because they're all in relationships."

However, it's crucial to realise that these situations are almost always personal and nothing to do with if they are in a relationship. By giving our friends the benefit of the doubt and placing their needs at the forefront, we can begin to understand and rationalise our own thoughts and frustrations.

Another client, who identifies as a "can't stay long" friend, attributes their flakiness to personal issues they are dealing with. They admit, "I struggle to make time for my friends because I'm a workaholic. I feel guilty when I'm out having fun instead of working, which reflects my poor work-life balance."

Even if you understand that your friend's behaviour stems from personal issues, it's still disappointing that they aren't prioritising your friendship at the moment.

If you decide to address your friend's behaviour or try to understand their reasoning, it's important to make observations rather than passing judgments. Instead of saying, "You always leave early and act like you never want to be here anyway, so what's the point of you coming?" make an observation like, "When you said you didn't have time for a drink, it made me feel concerned that I may have done something to upset you, and it seems like you're avoiding spending time with me."

Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for flakiness to strain friendships to the point of irreparability.

"Can't stay long" friends may be trying to redefine the boundaries and expectations of the friendship rather than ending it altogether. In this situation, it's important to define what a friendship means to you, as it varies for everyone.

For my workaholic client, the time spent with friends doesn't necessarily reflect the level of care for them. They explain, "Some of my friends feel that I don't value our friendship, but I don't think that's true at all. You can have a great friendship without seeing each other as often as you'd like – lockdown has proven this."

Ultimately, what you desire and need from a friendship is personal, but it's not unreasonable to expect a friend who can occasionally share an afternoon or evening with you without rushing off after two hours. "Can't stay long" friends may not intend to hurt you with their behaviour, but just because it's unintentional doesn't make it acceptable. Flakiness isn't a sin, but neither is deciding to distance yourself from a friend who can't dedicate time to you.