I can't be kind to myself - I'll lose my drive and productivity

Sunday morning I jarred my finger playing touch football. 

I knew I had to ice it, but first I had to … prepare some vegies, wrap a present, wrangle my kids, shower, do my hair and makeup, wrangle the kids some more, and go to a baby-shower. I prioritised getting to the baby-shower on time (actually 20 minutes late, but as ‘on time’ as I was ever going to get on Sunday) over icing my finger. When I got home, I was straight into the next load of jobs (you know the drill – preparing the week’s meals, cleaning the mess that was once my house, putting the kids to bed – 3 times (why settle for one tuck-in when you can get 3?) etc etc). Surely after that I iced my finger? Yes? No, of course not. I ordered the groceries, went back upstairs to calm my distressed daughter (your child gets away with so much more when they have a broken arm) and then, as I was going to bed – 10 hours after I originally injured it – I finally iced my finger. While I was getting ready for bed. I think I managed about 10 minutes. Funnily enough, it’s still swollen, bruised and sore today. Go figure?

The next day my internal voice (you know, that little nagging voice that tells you LOTS about yourself – only most of it isn’t true…) anyway, that voice could have gone something like this: ‘why didn’t I ice my finger. Everyone knows that when you injure it, you need to ice and rest it. Why didn’t I just put some ice on it while I was walking to the baby-shower. I could have easily iced it while I was chatting and then my finger would be PERFECT now. How am I going to draft the agreement I need to today? And now it’s going to be sore for days instead of just a few hours” (ok, so now we’re catastrophising a bit, but sometimes we’re just in the mood for the extreme!). The perfectionists amongst us may associate very well with this voice.   It turns up in some pretty common places (like, “why did I have that extra glass (or 10) of wine last night? Now I’m hungover and can’t think straight or get anything done. I’m never drinking again….” Or another favourite “why did I leave writing this report to the last minute? I’m never going to get it written in time, and the CEO has just given me an important assignment. If I f*ck this up, I might never get another chance to impress her. Why am I always so disorganised?)”

And what’s wrong with this voice? Don’t we need a good berating to make sure that we don’t do it again? Aren’t we just trying to protect ourselves from not being as stupid next time? What happens if I stopped being critical and judgemental – I might become complacent, unproductive and a failure! 

Sound familiar?

Ironically, the opposite is true. When we’re in this negative self-talk state, we are in what’s called the ‘threat’ state. And while this state is good for avoiding predators and imminent danger, its not so good for day-to-day living. Our brains are designed to hold only 4 things at once, and one of them doesn’t need to be a demonising voice berating for lack of ice (or for excess alcohol or perceived lack of organisation). It isn’t going to make the finger better, our hangover go away or get the report written. If our key goal is to write a report, interview our next star manager or present to the CEO, spending even 10 minutes in this space is certainly not the ticket to success. 

Lets get one thing straight. That voice is trying to protect us, but its likely coming from a place that’s ill-suited to the actual issue at hand. And dissecting why its there and what its trying to protect us from is worthy of another blog (or 10, or a book, or a few years of counselling – ok, so maybe all three).

Counter-intuitively, what our brain needs is a few calming words of compassion and kindness, as perhaps a friend would give.  A few words of ‘oh, hon – you must have been so busy and distracted that you couldn’t even find time to care for yourself. Put some ice on it today while you can – a minute or two out of your schedule won’t hurt and you deserve to have a healed finger!’. From that place of kindness and compassion, of feeling cared for and just generally being safe and ok, we can get on with our day making smart and productive decisions for ourselves. This is because we move from the ‘threat’ state to a place of safety (for those who like using the ‘sympathetics’, we move from ‘sympathetic’ arousal to the ‘parasympathetic’ arousal). In this ‘safe place’ our brain has space to think clearly and productively. Now calm, we can focus on what needs to be done: “Even though I didn’t ice it last night, I’m pretty sure that icing it now will still help the swelling reside. That’s what the doctor suggested for my daughter’s broken arm.” (See!! While you may think that your daughter breaking her arm is a massive inconvenience with no upside for anyone, it actually comes in useful at times…)

So - give yourself a break (excuse the pun...), express some kindness, and get some sh*t done.

Love and kindness

Lisa