I Can't Get Hard Anymore

Get your mind out of the gutter. It's not what you think it is, but now that you're here, might as well continue reading. So at age 54, I have become keenly aware of the differences that come with age. Or maybe it's not age, maybe I have just seen too much. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't trade my thinking for the world. 

There is a freedom in knowing who you are, and what matters. Because I have gotten older, things that matter have indeed changed. Being in my 50's, I no longer feel the need to justify, prove, fit in or anything else that gives away personal power. And while I have always been good at being my own person, with youth, came ego. And now it is gone. 

"I no longer need to go against the grain of of soul." 

I've spent my entire life in the helping professions. I've been meticulous with my body working out 7 days a week, 365 days a year. To this day, I still carry that dedication. {Granted as a young man, I worked out to look good naked. In my 40's, I worked out to stay healthy.} So what do I mean that I can't get hard anymore? I mean the desire to power through is gone. I no longer feel the need to make a name for myself in business. I no longer need to make a lot of money. I no longer need to have expensive things. I no longer need to be right. In other words, I no longer need to go against the grain of of soul. 

I have been very blessed. I have made a name for myself. I have made the money, had expensive things and was well traveled. But there is a reason why my wife and I live a modest life, living in a sleepy little beach town. And it's not because we lost our houses, business's and money. {Sure, that made the decision easier.} But long before we lost it all, we were in deep in the woods, hiking every weekend. The reason is we wanted quiet. Simple. 

While I have always been driven, that trait is gone now. It's been replaced with discipline. When I help my patients, or when working with the homeless, I am there out of a call to serve. God willing, I still have many years ahead of me. But my background of holding the dying, caring for the outcast and working with a criminal population, I have seen too much. Or maybe because at my age, we start see testosterone depletion. Whatever the reason, I have changed. 

My focus has always been to bless people. But now, I feel my spirit is aligned with my calling. Being involved with meditation my entire life, it is only now that I feel I am just starting to understand myself. I think when we are young {at least in my case} we do things the hard way. Now, I practice the pause. I wait for it to feel right before I make a decision. There is power in not reacting, just as there is power in saying no. It would take a lot to see the old me. The fighter has been retired. {I'm sure if someone were to harm my wife, the warrior within would appear, and all the years involved in the martial arts would cause a reaction.} Short of that, my goal is drinking coffee on the beach with my beautiful wife, watching the sunset. 

I can't get hard anymore. I have changed. My friends{who are much older than me and retired combat veterans} are the same way. The ego is gone. They have seen too much. They desire simple. And simple is never hard.