I Can’t Change Anyone

I was in the kitchen with my beloved partner when my partner let into me about some items that were out of place in the kitchen. It was a bit jolting to be barked at for something that seemed so insignificant as a knife that was out of place in the cutlery drawer. In the moment, I simply apologized and said I would try harder the next time to place the knife in its right place. Thank goodness I was in a peaceful state of mind at the moment and was able to respond instead of react to the unfolding events.

Later that day my partner apologized to me for his outburst. He asked me if there was anything that bothered me about things he did? I paused, realizing this was a formative moment. “Sure!” I said. “Then why don’t you tell me?” asked my partner. I explained to my partner that I have come to realize that I cannot change him, or anybody else.

We are all set in out ways. We all have our little, sometimes big, foibles and idiosyncrasies. We are often very set in our ways, and these ways become so entrenched in our psyche and behavior that to change them would be tantamount to moving a mountain.

People are who they are. People do what they do. The sooner I accept this fact, the sooner I can come to peace with whatever situation greets me. The lesson and teaching in events that bother us rests in asking ourselves, “Why does that bother me?”

If the car keys are not in the place they ‘should be’ and I get upset, I must reflect on why it bothers me that the car keys are not in the place they should be. If the grocery list is not arranged how I like it and I get upset, I must reflect on why it upsets me that the grocery list in not arranged how I like it. If it bothers me that I go into the fridge to get some milk, and there is no milk left, and I get upset because there was milk in the fridge earlier in the day, I must reflect on why it upsets me that there is no milk left in the fridge. You get the idea.

Nothing is as it seems. And I am never upset for the reason I think. The other person is not upsetting me. I am getting upset. If I ever want peace in my life, I must stop wanting to change other people and events. Learn to accept them as they are, and welcome it as an opportunity to reflect on why a person or event upsets me. This introspection will lead us to peace and personal growth.

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.