I can see clearly now the rain has gone!

'I can see clearly now the rain has gone,' sang Johnny Nash, 'I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.'

Hearing the song play on the radio as I drove to a client recently, was an enlightening and sobering moment. I suddenly realised I could, after a long time, see clearly now. The rain, fog and dark clouds had truly gone.

As many of you know, 2019 was an incredible year for me and my business. Growth in my business, after many years of hard work and determination, had finally opened the way to where I wanted it to be.

I had been blessed to travel extensively abroad, speak at conferences, deliver training and consult with some amazing, high-growth companies.

I had set up what should have been an amazing 2020 with some of my clients having booked projects, speaking engagements and training sessions. I was so ready to rock 2020 that it actually frightened me a bit.

But, as 80% of my business was in the Far and Middle East, with many of my client's head offices in China, Malaysia, Thailand and Dubai, almost all of my 2020 planning and agreed-upon work disappeared in the months leading up to the March 2020 lockdowns. As the world around us changed forever in ways very few people could have anticipated, my business evaporated.

Obviously, a similar thing happened to many other small business owners and while some survived and thrived, I noticed a very small cloud appear on the horizon of my mind.

The cloud was dark and threatening, but as I had done in the past and for so many years, I thought I had a handle on it. As long as I can keep it at a distance, I'd be ok.

To help me and other people cope with what was coming, I set up an online group, called the Empowerment Group, which met every morning from 8.30 am until 9 am via the world's newest meeting place, Zoom. It is a group which I know did enormous amounts of good for many people and has had a long-lasting impact on so many people's lives and businesses.

It was good for me too as it provided space and purpose for me, but I did not at the time grasp the significance of what I was doing. What I should have seen was my real passion, my real deep-rooted purpose.

It also led to an incredible amount of stress and added to this place I was going into, because most days of 2020 I was taking 5, 6 and on occasions 8 calls a day from people who were losing their business, their marriage was breaking up, they were having a breakdown of some kind and wanted answers or an ear to speak into.

But in reality, I was not ok because, I was not able to keep that cloud at a distance and within a very short space of time, that cloud had descended over me like a very thick fog. And although most of the time I was able to function in public and with the clients I developed, my mind was a mess.

I could not see where I should be going, what I should be doing, and whom I should be working with. The message I was putting out, at least in my mind, was confusing and completely without direction.

I found myself taking on work and projects which I should not have taken on, not because I could not do the job or complete the project well, but because of the mental and emotional energy it consumed leaving me even more dazed and at sea. I was constantly chasing something but had no idea what it was.

I had lost my vision, lost my mission and lost my purpose. And I almost lost me. There were days when the fog was so dark and I could see no way out, that I considered the worst options.

It is difficult to explain, but the only way I can explain it is, that it was as if I were driving on the motorway above the speed limit, in very dense early morning fog. There are other cars and trucks on the road that are hurtling along at various speeds ahead of me and they would appear suddenly and unexpectedly, waver in the mist and then seem to disappear before you can determine whether they are real or not.

Every time I reached out mentally to grab hold of one of these ideas, they would disappear like a mirage or some mythological disappearing spirit.

But there were also days when everything seemed clear enough to see and it was generally on those days that friends or other people I know asked how I was doing. In my mind and on that day, it was clear and I thought everything was great. I thought the fog had gone, when instead I had simply gone through a rise in the road and not recognised that fact.

But even in those moments or days, I still could not get a handle on anything and consequently took on the work and projects I should not have, all while my ego (or whatever it was) stopped me from truly talking with someone. The right someone.

Unfortunately, the people I did speak to, well-meaning all of them, wanted to tell me what I must do to break out of this fog, wanted to tell me of their challenges and did not really want to listen to mine or had that glazed look in their eyes which showed how little they actually understood.

Although to be honest, it probably would not have helped even if they did listen as I did not need a program, I did not need someone to tell me what they thought I should do and I certainly did not need any drugs or pills.

I knew the answers. I had helped so many other people in the past. I could write a book on the answers, but that is not what I needed. And pills or drugs would have made matters worse not better.

I also tried everything from 7 different types of yoga, breathing techniques, body tapping and meditation to exercise, cycling and eating vegetarian and vegan diets. But most of these, particularly changing my diet, just seemed to deepen the fog.

Then, on the 12th Dec 2021, I sat down at my desk to plan 2022 which was for me a normal thing to do, but on that day, the fog was super dense and I literally could not see anything.?Like so many days in the 18 months prior, I sat staring at my computer, at the notepad in front of me and at the notice board on my wall and I saw nothing.

It was completely blank and I could not even think of where to start. Eventually, I got up, put my coat on and went for a long, meandering walk. As I walk and talked with myself, the fog in my mind began to lift and at one point I felt compelled to look at LinkedIn on my phone.

It was the last thing I wanted to do because that would get me reading all the wonderful stories of other people's success and I did not want or need that. But I did anyway and ended up looking at my profile. I remembered I had written a newsletter titled '22 things to start doing for an awesome 2022.'

I sat on a nearby bench while I read and reread these 22 things I had written a month earlier and as if by magic, a gap seemed to appear in the fog and I began to realise and understand a few things about me and where I had gotten to.

When I returned home I still do not clearly understand things, have a miraculous vision of the future or even know how to plan out the next few days. But what I did know was that this fog was beginning to clear. I also knew that it would not be a case of my waking up the following morning and everything would be back to 'normal'.

Slowly, but surely over the next few months, the fog lifted and I was able to begin to see clearly. I gain a new perspective on who I am and who I want to become. I realised where it had all gone so horribly wrong and what I need to do to fix it. I began to see that many of the horrid things some people had been saying about me were not true and I understood where they were coming from.

So why have I written this newsletter or article?

I have not written it to elicit your sympathy or even your empathy. I have not written it because I want to feel sorry for me or to gain some kind of attention.

I have written it because I wanted to help myself understand the process I have been through and the lessons I have learned. And I have written it to share those lessons with you. To say, if you are going through some stuff, keep going. You will find a way.

I have also written it to dispel my ego or that thing in me that has for years said, 'men don't talk about the issues that are affecting them mentally or emotionally.' BTW: Thanks Matt Young for what you are doing for men in this space.

What have I learned and discovered about myself?

I realised I had lost myself and chased after becoming the very thing I despised most. And that was, I became the person other people wanted me to be. I had lost the purpose of my life and searched for it in the wrong places.

You see, I am and always have been an empowerer (is that a word?) of other people. I have always loved playing a role in the success of other people. In watching them truly become their very best self. Encouraging other people is who I am and I had lost that focus as I pursued the success of my business.

I did not lose that passion to see others succeed, but I lost the purpose and the focal point. And I realised that this had not happened because of the pandemic! It is something which had crept up on me over a few years and that had become more important, subconsciously, than pursuing my purpose.

As I reflected back over the few years running up to 2020, I realised how easily I had become distracted from that purpose and how the suggestions and opinions of other people had influenced me.

For example, I had never had it my vision to become a change management consultant or trainer. I had the skills and the ability, but it was never in my wheelhouse of things to do or directions to travel. But an opportunity arose through the suggestion of a person I have huge respect for and off I went.

Did I enjoy the work and the travel associated with the work? Absolutely. I spent 15 days in Oman and 12 days in Saudi Arabia, places I would never have gotten to visit had I not had this opportunity. I met some amazing people and remain in contact with them today. Did I do a good job? Absolutely. I can see that from the results I delivered.

But it was just a job and nothing else. It did not have any transformational value to me and although the companies became more profitable, leaner and more resilient, I did not see any personal growth or personal transformation in anyone.

I realised that I had done some amazing things, travelled to some incredible places, made some wonderful friends and delivered great results for these businesses, but I was broke. Not financially, but emotionally, mentally and in many ways, physically.

And that had led me to the point where the fog was so thick, I could not see.

But from the 12th Dec, slowly the fog lifted, the darkness was dispelled by the growing light of realisation and understanding and then I heard that song.

And so I have begun to build a new business, focused on my passion for seeing people with dyslexia and ADHD, educated, motivated, and empowered to grow and become the very best they can become.

I have taken the lessons I have learned and continue to learn and have created a new philosophy for my life and my business. I call it the 'SLOW' philosophy and it works for me. I have created a coaching program for me and have coached myself and now others in this space.

I discovered that my way of thinking has a name and thanks to Kate Griggs I know about Dyslexic Thinking and what a revelation that has been. And thank you Vikki Barnes for always asking the right questions.

There are so many things I have learned about my dyslexic and ADHD brain. How I think and why I think the way I think. Why my spelling sucks, maths makes very little sense and why pictures or images are so important for my understanding.

I have truly learned that being me, with my passions and my purpose is good enough for me and I don't have to apologise for it and I don't have to do the things other people suggest I do. My wall and notice board are filled with ideas that I have allowed to flood my brain and not turn my head.

I have learned to unlearn the way neurotypical people do things, most of which have never really worked for me and to learn new ways of doing stuff.

I have started a new journey which is exciting and I can with honesty and integrity say, 'I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's going to be a bright shining day.'

The journey is clear ahead and I can see the brightness of the day, the week and the year ahead.

I hope yours is too.