I believe these words will resonate with many of us.

The following was written as a homework exercise by a remarkable psychologist who took part in our Practical Skills course this week.

The task was called ‘The hidden parts of me’.

“Dear Friend,

I thought this might be a “tell all” about all the bad things I have done in my life and the shame I carry around them – but no, it is deeper and more revealing even than that! Yes even the self-abuse, drug taking, numerous addictions, attention seeking, jealousy, comparison, competition, hurt, pain and irresponsible behaviour I have engaged in in the past has nothing on what I’m about to share with you now. In fact all that chaos and abuse was a way of burying and hiding this thing I will now speak of with you. 

My whole life I have been hiding how absolutely amazing I am – how loving, joy-full, sensitive, wise, and completely and utterly gorgeous I am. For I learnt early on that these qualities had no place in the world – even if some time little sprinkles were allowed – people around me, life around me, forces around me reacted and sought to crush, control, minimise, manipulate, demean and sometimes actively attack my very open, natural and flowing expression. Sometimes it was just a matter of my exquisite expression not getting noticed, unseen and overlooked because those around me were not present enough to feel and connect to it. So I made it invisible as it hurt too much to have it there clear as day and not be confirmed, I stood out too much – and that makes life dangerous because what stands out very often gets cut down...

I began to think there was something wrong with me…

My ‘best friend’ in grade 3 excluding me from our friendship group because she wanted to be the most popular – when she was the insecure one. 

School mates thinking they were better than me if they got higher scores on a test – when they were the insecure ones. 

Teachers calling me ‘trouble’ when I spoke my mind – when they were the insecure ones.

My mother saying to me ‘your best isn’t good enough’ – when she was the insecure one.

Women judging me in the street when I looked and felt great – when they were the insecure ones.

With these attacks of jealousy, comparison, judgement and competition over time, every one of them registered, I learnt, or more rather chose, to attack myself – using any tools I could from self-doubt and lack of self-worth, dysfunctional relationships, bombarding and numbing myself with substances and food, to my own jealousy, comparison and competition.

It appeared I was now the insecure one.

From a place of absolute fullness and joy – to one of insecurity and incessant unrest.

So now I blow the lid on that charade, that hardening and so-called protection I developed – which didn’t in fact protect me at all but left me more insecure and empty.. that protection I created to hide so that I didn’t stand out – I’ve dropped it, that’s what I’m here to tell you. It feels like the most extreme thing I could do, that is, to come back to myself and admit how amazing I am. But it’s time – the pain of attacking myself is too much and I miss myself, my essence.

So my friend, I will let you see how amazing I am – do with it what you will, as some will embrace it and others will continue to attack it… but I won’t let it go again. Because I know deep in my heart that as I let my amazingness out, it invites all those around me to feel their own EQUAL amazingness - for it is in everyone.

With love, 

Sarah”