I am NOT Too Busy for Friends

I am someone that others would describe as energetic, positive, and continuously smiling. I generally make connections easily and love big social settings. Essentially, I am an eager extrovert. However, throughout my adult life I have made many comments like “I have tons of great relationships at work, but I don’t really have any friends” or, “I don’t really have time for friends.” These types of comments would often lead to confusion and additional questions from family and co-workers. They would assure me that I have friends and we would awkwardly move on. So, what exactly did I mean by those comments?

I meant that I was not prioritizing friends in my personal life. I felt like life was just “too busy” for friends. With that said, there were different times in my life where I felt very lonely. Although I was around people all the time and I am married to a wonderful man, I was sometimes lonely. Although I was living a good life and was happy and smiling, I was sometimes lonely. I found that I was missing that personal connection with other women. The personal connection that comes from having someone to laugh with and someone to hang out with. The personal connection that doesn’t come with a “to do” list. The personal connection that lets my brain rest from the many responsibilities that I have to accomplish each day. The personal connections that can relate to how I am feeling and empathize with me. And the personal connections that come from having friends to help you get out of the hustle of everyday life.

As the responsibilities of my life grew and grew, I realized that it wasn’t simply that I wanted friends, it was that I needed friends. I began to understand that it was vital for my own well-being and growth as a person. The more I talked about it with others, the more I realized how true it was. Recently, I started to do some research on loneliness and found that the theory of loneliness identifies two types of loneliness: social and emotional.

"While social loneliness arises when one feels a lack of a social network (i.e., friends, colleagues, and neighbors), emotional loneliness can be experienced when intimate relationships or close bonds are deficient (i.e., a partner or close friend). Thus, one can feel emotionally lonely even if one has considerable social bonds. Similarly, one can experience social loneliness despite having intimate relationships" (Fardghassemi & Joffe, 2022).

Although I had plenty of social connections, I was missing the emotional connection that comes from close friends. Once I decided I wanted to be intentional in my friendships, my life magically got less busy, right? Wrong! Here is a current snapshot of my life. I’m not saying that it is necessarily busier than anyone else’s, I am just providing a picture that my life didn’t get less busy because I now understood that I needed deeper connections.

I currently have three teenage boys and a husband. The twins are seniors in high school, and we are in the middle of figuring out their transitions to college and adulthood, finishing up their senior years of high school and trying to embrace the reality of their next phase of life. Our youngest is a 15-year-old sophomore who is by far the busiest and most involved of the three. Due to the lack of a driver’s license, we are still shuttling him to and from his many school, work, and friend activities. I work full-time as the Assistant Vice President of Student Affairs & Dean of Students at a Division I University. I directly oversee six departments as well as fulfill all Dean of Students responsibilities in regard to student conduct and overall wellbeing. This job is much more demanding than your typical 8:00 – 5:00. It requires a lot of hours and the ability to deal with difficult situations constantly. It is extremely rewarding and extremely draining, all at the same time. In addition, I am entering the dissertation phase of my PhD program and swamped with everything that entails. Finally, for my own mental health, I must prioritize exercise and outside time every single day. When you add in community responsibilities, church responsibilities, working on my own spirituality, and wanting to spend time with my husband, it gets pretty crazy.

???????????As I analyzed the idea of prioritizing friends, a few things struck me. First, everyone has their own strengths. This is a concept I often talk about, and it is true in every aspect of our lives. Strengths manifest in a work setting and in a friend setting. I determined that my “friendship” strength was being the initiator. I quickly get excited about the idea of an activity and love inviting people to do things. This is what I bring to the relationship. The idea of the activity brings me enjoyment and energy. Another person’s strength might be saying “yes!” When someone sends an invite, they will generally always jump on board, with enthusiasm. Then you have the “deep” people. These individuals will strengthen any relationship because they want to talk about meaningful topics and will help to develop that sense of intimacy. You might also have the dare devil who provides the experiences that will keep the group laughing for weeks and years to come. Another person might be the goofball. These are the individuals that keep the conversation light and help you forget the stressors of your life. Everyone brings something unique to the relationship. Everyone has different strengths and everyone adds to the life of others.

As adults, we seek relationships to buffer against emotional loneliness (Fardghassemi & Joffe, 2022). It is important to have friendships that feel easy and natural while also being a source of fun and laughter. Other important pieces of deep friendship include being able to trust and confide in someone and understanding that it is a reciprocal relationship (Korkiamaki & O’Dare, 2021). With adult relationships, it is also important to be authentic. We don’t have the bandwidth or extra mental energy required to analyze everything or to be stuck in drama. I have found that if I am unsure about something in the relationship, it is much easier to ask the question or talk to the individual rather than dwelling on something that is not important.

So now that I am three years into this decision to be intentional with my friendships, I can see how blessed I have become. I look for ways to bring joy to others and in turn it blesses my life. I have friends from all walks of life that I can spend time with. I have friends that I can be active with, chat with, laugh with, cry with, and set goals with. This intentionality of strong connections has deepened my relationship at work and deepened my relationships with my family. It is beneficial for my boys to see friendships that are built on love, trust, and a lack of drama. In addition, the friendships I’ve developed help me to reenergize and de-stress, allowing me to have a better relationship with my husband. The time I allocate to friends does not decrease the amount of time we spend together, but it does allow me to be a better version of me. I am happier and can be fully present while spending time with him.

In my job as the Dean of Students, I constantly talk to college students about the importance of friendships and finding a sense of belonging. After the past three years, I've come to realize this advice is just as important for me as it is for them.

#whatbroughtyoujoytoday

References

Fardghassemi, S., & Joffe, H. (2022). The causes of loneliness: The perspective of young adults in London’s most deprived areas.?PloS One,?17(4), e0264638–e0264638. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0264638

Korkiam?ki, R., & Elliott O’Dare, C. (2021). Intergenerational Friendship as a Conduit for Social Inclusion? Insights from the “Book‐Ends.”?Social Inclusion,?9(4), 304–314. https://doi.org/10.17645/si.v9i4.4555 ?