I am tired...

In this moment of reflection on Martin Luther King Jr., I must admit that I am tired. I'm tired of performative allyship. I'm tired of having these conversations and nothing changing. I'm tired of seeing black leaders elevated to a position of power only to be disproportionately and unjustly fired, attacked, and shamed. I'm tired. I'm tired of seeing people of color reach out for help, and when they do, they are ignored, discarded, and discredited. I am tired. When people of color are faced with bullying and harassment, nothing is done. I'm tired. I'm tired of the toll of systemic racism and what it does to an individual's well-being, my well-being. I try to wear a mask and appear positive, but the toll of wearing this mask leaves me depleted, exhausted, and drained. I'm tired.

A few days ago, I wrote a piece about the resignation of Dr. Claudine Gay from Harvard University and how black excellence is not enough to elevate you beyond the barriers and obstacles that racism presents. And then, recently, I heard of the news of Dr. Antoinette "Bonnie" Candia-Bailey, from Lincoln University of Missouri, and how, because of the harassment and bullying she faced, she took her own life. When I heard the news, I was so upset. I started thinking about what we are doing to protect our leaders of color, particularly black women. I'm tired of having these conversations about being an ally. I am tired of people reaching out and saying they're committed to creating a space for me to vent or share my ideas. It feels like even if I take well-intentioned allies up on their offers, nothing will be done. It's not their fault; it's the systems' fault.

I don't feel completely safe psychologically. I've concluded that every day, I have to decide what spaces I want to navigate and how to navigate those spaces. Sometimes, I have the energy to plug in; other days, I want to withdraw to my home. It is the only space where I have more control. Could you ask your colleagues of color why many prefer a hybrid work schedule? Besides the convenience of getting things done around the house, they likely like the opportunity to occupy a space of their own, free of judgment, harassment, and microaggressions.

When I feel comfortable speaking up inside spaces, I also have to empathize with those who want to say something but fear retaliation stops them in their tracks. Because when someone speaks up against oppression, they have called extra attention to themselves to be oppressed. We do have good intentions. But we also have fears of retaliation. I have a full-time job. I have a wife and kids. There are times I would love to say what's on my mind. But I also understand that I can keep my job or lose the things I have to support others facing stuff because I am not in a space and place to be vocal without losing a lot. That's tiring. That's hard.

So, this article doesn't discuss tips and strategies and why diversity, equity, and inclusion are essential. This is merely an article to start the conversation, both externally or internally, with yourself about what others face, what others see, and how others feel when things disproportionately affect people of color. For those who consider themselves white allies, I charge you to think about how you take up spaces in predominantly white rooms. I also suggest that you think about how your day-to-day actions with people of color reflect the allyship that you say you have. I also say to my people of color to continue to think about your safety, both emotionally and physically. Please continue to reach out to those you feel you can trust and know that the people you trust need to show you why they're trustworthy by their actions and words. Continue to take care of yourself. Check-in and understand that your mental health and life are worth more than a job. And that you're loved. You're supported, you're cared about. But at this moment, I'll say I'm tired….