I am not sure who I am any more...

Are you someone who has done years of personal development? Trying to cerate the perfect you?

Do you feel like you should have life more sorted by now?

Do you hear yourself thinking sentences which contain words like: 'should'; 'ought'; and 'must'?

According to McElroy (2015) self esteem can now be measured by the age of 5 (literature used to quote age 7). Meltzoff, one of the co-authors quoted in the artilce by McElroy said that "our findings suggest that self-esteem, feeling good or bad about yourself, is fundamental ... a social mindset children bring to school with them, not something they develop in school."

Can you remember what you felt about yourself at age four or five? I know I can't. But from what I have learned in #mBraining and in particular Master Coach Training of mBraining, the development of our parasympathetic nervous system (in particular the development of the vagus nerve) is hugely impacted by the age of two. So I can absolutely believe that who I think I am and what I think of me could be well established before I even get to the school gates the first time. And I am still working on myself...

This got me thinking ...

This morning, while out on a walk (I am currently on a six week self care plan that includes walking as one of my activities), I came across a puddle. I know, bear with me ...

Now, if you know me, you may be able to make out that this is my reflection in the puddle. You may be able to guess that I was out walking on a wooded path, you can see the trees and the sky. But largely my reflection is obsurred by the mud and sludge in the puddle. There is not a clear image. Yet I know it is me.

This got me curious...how is this different from looking in a polished mirror?

This is a view from my deck in a mirror. The level of detail is far superior. You can see the detail of the individual fronds of the Cabbage Tree, beyond which you can see the harbour, the far shore line and the clouds in the sky. You can see detail in the wooden balistrade. As you look for more detail, you can see a fern, and another bush just showing and if you are really astute you can just see the cover of my ipad on the right hand side of the picture - even though I tried to ensure it did not show (ever tried to keep aspects of yourself hidden?). You can also see some detail of the wood on which the mirror is resting and even the patio furiture and the wall of the house behind.

So when we think of ourselves, and we get an image in our minds as to who we are, what we look like ... what do we see, feel and know? Do we see a muddy reflection that shows the barest outline of who we are, or do we see a clear, polished mirror image, with fine detail?

Which version do we choose to portray out into the world? At work? At home? What aspects of ourselves do we try to keep obscurred?

On my walk, I was listening to a Greenbelt talk by Mark Yaconelli. He spoke of identity in an interesting way and suggested in this day and age (and the talk was from about 15 years ago), we often identify with what we do:

• I am what I do
• I am how much I do of it
• I am how well I do it

I thought this was quite sad. We are so much more than what we do (especially if the what we do is about the work we do).

So - who are you beyond the story of what you do? Would the real you stand forward...

In psychology, the sense of self is defined as "the way a person thinks about and views his or her traits, beliefs, and purpose within the world".

Right back to my muddy puddle. Are your views clear - or muddled? Are they obscurred by mud (others views' or what society expects of you)? What beliefs do you hold about yourself that might determine whether or not you choose to stay blurred in a muddy puddle, rather than letting a clear image of you shine out. Is your purpose clear - or lost within the sludge? And the more you mess around with trying to find it, the more you stir up the sludge and obscure it even more. Sometimes it is only by standing back and allowing the mud to settle that we can get a clear view (as shared in Clarity - a great book by Jamie Smart).

One more thought - is your view of yourself overall: positive, uplifting, encouraging, or negative, derogatory and unresourceful? Which version is more honest? More clear? Closer to the real you?

Let's go back to the study by McElroy mentioned earlier ... would it surprise you to know that "the results showed that the 5-year-olds associated themselves more with “good” than with “bad,” and this was equally pronounced in both girls and boys"? When did we start to develop a concept that we were not 'good' or 'good enough'? When did we start to want to hide in a muddy reflection? When did the negative self talk set in?

Carl Rogers claimed that there are 3 aspects to our sense of self: self-image; self-esteem; and the ideal self. If you reflect on those three, can you identify where any 'delusions' might have crept in? In mBraining mBodied Wisdom we learn that the social sense of self is held in the insula of the head brain, a coming together of all aspects of self to create who we perceive ourselves to be. It is then a coming together of lots of different componets to form an overall creation, not a reality. And that creation or image is open to change. Indeed in wikipedia it is written that "the self is dynamic and complex and it will change or conform to whatever social influence it is exposed to". What then if we were to start believeing we were exceptional, amazing - and surrounded ourselves with others who supported that view?

Maybe then, not knowing who you are anymore is a good thing. It opens up the possibilty that you can create who you want to be. Do you have the courage to step away from the muddy puddle and start to explore yourself in a polished mirror, to see yourself in a new light and to re-frame any aspects that you would like to see differently or change (while not beating yourself up for who you are right now).

What if the only thing holding you back was your own negative self image - that isn't true anyway? What if that is just a sludgy reflection, masking the unique amazing you that lies beneath? Is it time to change where you are looking?

It is said that mud sticks - but it can be washed off, even if it was your inner self that threw it. Get support, get help, to enable you to see and allow the real you to emerge and continue to be created. A great coach can support you in that journey ...

Dr Suzanne Henwood is the Director and lead coach and trainer of mbraining4success. She is one of two Master Coaches and Master Trainers of mBIT Globally and is passionate about helping people to deeply reconnect with themselves, healing old wounds, letting go of unwanted stress and releasing them to do more and be more in the world. She works with organisations to look at organisational connections, working to ensure psychologically safe workplaces, to reduce unhelpful stress and ensure future focused, modern leadership that is sustainable into the new world as it emerges. If you would like to know more head over to mbraining4success.com (where you can also download a free eBook on mBraining) or get in touch directly with her at [email protected].

Her passion is to support you to support the people you serve