"I am strong” the MYTH we encourage and live

It has been a week since Sushant Singh Rajput passed away, and media is still strong with the need to avenge his death and what could be wrong that led him to this. I have been personally a fan, while I have never gone overboard with love for any actor, this incident has disturbed me- The sadness with his death has not passed. As a follower of his Instagram, I was sad to see a happy, intelligent astrophysicist who advised others to stay strong and be happy to end his life. I wonder amongst many others what could have caused him so much anguish that he had the strength to end his life? He fought quite a bit to get to where his is, what made him not want to continue any more.

We all have these moments in our life where we feel I do not want to take it anymore. I see the posts of people on social media suddenly writing of how their doors are open for coffee, or how if someone is depressed should reach out. I love the intent of my social media friends in wanting to help if someone is going through tough times, however as my psychologist friend Anisha says- someone who is depressed does not want to reach out, they are not in a space where they really want to talk. So more than asking them to reach out- It is our job to do so- REACH OUT to them and not vice versa. So in your immediate circle- call on 5 people or 2 people everyday just to check on them, check how they feel.

Providing - that's not love. Being there - that's more important. I mean, we see that.

- JayZ

This incident also made me realize the myth we live and the myth we push others to LIVE which is “ I am STRONG” As if constantly negating the feeling that it is not OK to be depressed, it is not OK to feel low, SULKING is not Man/Woman enough. As a person, we all go through ups and downs. Some days are very dark, and some are bright. Not all may go through depression, however we all have those days where we don’t want to and don’t feel strong. As a single parent I go through some really dark days- and when I reach out to my friends/well-wishers – the single advice I receive is “ Be STRONG”- you can do it, you are a strong lady – you will manage it. And you know what I HATE It. I hate it when someone asks me to be strong or I will get through- I obviously know I will get through it, after all it is ONLY me who has to! Who else will do it for me? Like me am sure there are several who feel the same. As a well-wisher am sure one wants to help, so here is what I suggest.

1.      Acknowledge the feeling what they feel and say Hey it is OK to feel all low, it is OK to be sad. You don’t have to be STRONG always. It is OK that you feel miserable and can sulk. Take your time, stay in that place, and come back when you feel you have energy. I am there till when you NEED!

2.      Call or check on them by just talking- OFFER PRESENCE – not necessarily by saying how to help with problem, by just being around – physically, mentally, or however you can. Let them know you are around

3.      Refer them to a professional if need arises.

4.      Nothing can compensate for power of physical presence- and ways of offering warmth- through words, a warm hug

5.      Do not push on need to get out of a sad zone, trust their resilience they will find a way- our job as a well-wisher is to be around till they do.

The current environment with the uncertainty, ambiguity is pushing best of resilience from each one of us and brings some of the dark days. In these times, we need the warmth, empathy and the acceptance that is OK not to be strong, its alright to feel miserable. We know it will all be OK.

To summarize, -

If you really want to listen you will hear what I don’t say.,

You will hear my fears, my tears and my worries

Do not tell me I should be strong, for I don’t want to be

Let me be in the space I am, and be here with me.

Offer your soothing words for me to sleep, offer a hug as I weep.

I know you wish me well, and yes I will be back feeling swell..

Till then listen.. and offer me yourself…

Your words, your presence..

Till am back to being Myself. 

Love

Dhanashree