I am Sorry

3 words if said sincerely carries so much weight. It changes the tone and the dynamics of things; in a good way. The recent example being that of Rishi Sunak in his speech to his party.

A sincere apology is by no means a demonstration of weakness. In fact it takes confidence and strength to show humility. After all, isn’t it “to err is human, to forgive divine”?

I use the word sincere because an apology followed by a “but” or “however” extinguishes the sincerity. It becomes lip service.

Example – “I am terribly sorry but [insert supposed “justification”]”

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We have all seen a multitude of “apologies” made by celebrities. But by dissecting it, it’s not due to remorse. They apologised because they were caught or because they are forced to do so.

An apology also becomes lip service when abused by constant usage. This would be where rather than self-reflect, it is used as a defence mechanism.

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Example:-

Person A: Didn’t you talk to that person?

Person B: I am sorry.

Person A: Urm….okay. But did you or did you not talk to that person?

Person B: Yes I did. ??

Person A: ?Okay so what happened?

Person B. I am very sorry.

Person A: I heard you. What happened?

Person B: That person told me to do what needs to be done. I am sorry.

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There is also this thinking that an apology translates to an admission of guilt or of some intentional wrong-doing. In legal parlance, it is always prefaced with “without any admission of liability”.

An effective sincere apology means taking ownership and necessitates a follow up to not only make things right but to not have it repeated. ??

Then we come to situations where an apology can de-escalate a highly tensed situation between whether it’s sincere or not. Lest I be accused of being inconsistent, I would say that it is not.

Allow me to exemplify. Person A and Person B are complete strangers in a bar. Person A accidentally bumps into Person B resulting in Person B spilling his drinks. Person B becomes infuriated. He wants to literally punch some sense into Person A.

Person A has 2 immediate choices:-

(a) Person A justify his actions to Person B (e.g. Person B was drunk, Person B walked into Person A’s path, Person B has no common sense); OR

(b) Person A says “Dude, I am so sorry. It’s my bad. Let me get you a replacement” (regardless of whether Person A feels the way he said).

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Doesn’t take much to deduce which option would likely diffuse the situation. In the bar scenario, it boils down to reacting with ego.

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Bringing me to the conclude with the wise words of my father which I try very much to follow.

Context. It stems from an incident a few months after I obtained my driving license. Dad and I were in a car on a highway where I was driving. A random driver swerves precariously into my lane. I reacted by yelling out every curse word I could think of. I honked, flashed lights and accelerated to tail that car.

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Dad (in a calm voice and his hand on mine): Wei, why?

Me (in anger): Because of what that that driver did!!!!

Dad (still in a calm voice): So?

Me (anger escalates because my own father doesn’t seem to support me): What do you mean??? He swerved into my lane!!! He needs to know that he is in the wrong!!!

Dad (unbelievably still calm): Why? This is the first time you encountered him. What is going to happen if you don’t continue this? What are you going to achieve?

Me (confused because his logic and my anger seem to be in conflict): Err….well…..I….well…. ….nothing… I guess…..nothing…..

Dad (still ever so calm): It’s a stranger. You won’t see that person after this. We will go home and this incident won’t be a big deal at all.

Me (taking foot off the accelerator but not agreeing at all with him): Fine!!!!

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But Dad was right. What I felt about the entire incident regarding the driver, it’s a distant memory. I do however vividly remember that lesson from my father to this very day. ????

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Ego and apologies for the most part are closely knitted. ??

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