I Am Sick, And That Is Okay

As I lie in bed for the third day in a row, half-used Kleenex flung to both sides, multiple teas, balms, and essential oils lining my bedside table, I am in more emotional pain than physical. My throat burns, my ears cannot unclog, and every few minutes I project a sharp cough into the empty apartment air, and I find myself crying. My tears are not due to my aching body, but rather due to the immense guilt I feel for not being able to show up to the commitments I have made. As I type out emails to cancel meetings and decline events, I feel like an eight-year-old girl hiding in the bathroom because her peers are making fun of her.

But I am not a little girl, no one is being mean to me, and I have a completely legitimate reason to be absent. So why am I in so much emotional pain?

Growing up in a success-focused and money-obsessed culture, I was taught early on that my productivity was more important than my feelings and, god forbid, my health. It felt like I was sick with something every year. And because I would often tough it out and try to attend school, work, and swim practice despite how I was feeling, my colds usually lasted weeks on end. Many times they turned into ear infections which made me dizzy and uncoordinated. Other students would witness me taking uneven, dilapidated steps down the school hallways, my head tilted to the side, one eye closed, as I clung onto the lockers for support. Once I arrived at my next classroom, I curled up and lay my head on the cold desk. Trying to get a 60-second nap before the bell rang.

I grew up believing that my health, or lack-there-of, was an inconvenience to everyone else around me. Any time I get a semblance of illness, I still feel guilty. I begin to panic and cry, only thinking about how disappointed everyone else will be that I have ruined their day. For many years, I convinced myself that I had to power through and show up with mucus dripping down my face. The fact that I was often resilient enough to still perform excellently despite being ill just proved to me that I was not actually sick.?If I was really sick, I would be in the hospital right now, I told myself. This rhetoric has continued for many years in my head, until now.

Today, I chose to stay home instead of attending an amazing opportunity that would have further developed my leadership knowledge and skills and grown my professional network. The event was not required of me, but the thought of not going and letting down my mentor who had nominated me to attend seemed equivalent to stabbing her in the gut. I am sad that I will not be able to participate in the incredible discussions that I know they are having there, but I am more ashamed that I am sick. I am sick. Even typing that makes me cringe. The admission that something is wrong and that I cannot be at my peak performance feels like dying.?

Our capitalist-minded, “keep moving forward” society does not help. There are countless drugs and products to help us perform even when we are sick. One of my favorite characters of all time, Leslie Knope from the esteemed American sitcom?Parks and Recreation, cannot imagine missing out on work when she is ill. In one episode, she tells the pharmacist she needs the “‘‘Mariah needs to sing tonight’ stuff.” This rhetoric around showing up even when your body is telling you to slow down is the story my brain reels every time I feel a slight tickle in my throat. If I don’t show up, then I am disappointing everyone who expected me to be there. And if I disappoint someone, they will never trust me again.

Although this intense shame storm is nearly impossible to stop, I have to remind myself of three things:

1. Just because I promised to show up for something and no longer can, does not make me a bad employee, friend, colleague, or person.
2. I deserve to take care of myself when I need it. And by “powering through” it is more likely that I will make myself feel worse for longer. Illness doesn’t just go away because you will it to. Humans are part of nature and we must succumb to our weaknesses in order to grow back stronger.
3. I am a leader in my workplace, in my friend circle, and in my community. If one of my direct reports or my friends or even a neighbor told me they were ill, I would immediately expect them to take care of themselves, no matter how long it took. By not doing the same for myself, I am only demonstrating to those around me that I cannot respect myself and my health, and therefore cannot respect theirs either.

As a leader, it is my duty to take exquisite care of myself. It is my obligation to allow myself time and space to heal. It is not just that I deserve tender respect; I?must?provide respect to myself in order to provide it to those I care about.?

Just three days ago, I was on the phone with one of my oldest friends. Toward the end of our conversation, we were discussing our top values. About six months ago I had done a values exercise and was excited about the prospect of sharing my insights with my friends, hoping they would connect with my takeaways. I explained to him that my number one value was authenticity and the second was empathy. We spoke for over fifteen minutes about how we live in our values and show up in our values every day. We both felt that when it came to choosing friendships and professional relationships, we preferred to surround ourselves with people who seemed to share these values.

Living into my values every day means living into my values even when it is hard. That means I need to apply my values on days when I am not well. When I think about what that looks like, this is where I land:

Authenticity: I am sick. It is normal to be sick sometimes and there is no way to predict when and if it will happen. Being sick does not make me less worthy as a human or as a leader. Not showing up sometimes because I am sick does not make me incompetent or inconvenient. I get sick sometimes and when I am, I need to take extra care of myself in order to heal and show up better tomorrow.

Empathy: It sucks to be sick. I am in pain, both physically and emotionally. My chest hurts, my ears feel swollen, and I am cold. I feel sad that I am not able to do the amazing things I want to do today and I feel guilty that I cannot show up in the way that I said I would. I am sorry this had to happen and I will allow myself to be in pain for as long as it takes to heal.

My values help me determine my true north. They allow me to feel everything I feel, to admit that I am in pain, but still show up for myself in a way that is kind and courageous. When I live in my values, I am healthier and stronger. That does not mean that I won’t ever get sick again or won’t ever feel angry or disappointed or shameful again, but when I do, I have the foundation to remind myself that one blip in my journey will not defeat me. My health and my feelings do not define me.?

As I finish writing this post, I am still in physical pain, but there are no longer tears in my eyes. I am no longer replaying false memories of my friends and colleagues with disappointed faces. Instead, I am typing with my head up and my throat dry. I am sick. And I am embracing that I am sick.