I AM RAISING A TEENAGE GIRL

I have two teenagers. Thanks, I feel your heartfelt sympathy. I am raising a teenage girl and boy. The boy I understand. I mean I totally get it. The farting, the smells, not washing clothes, consuming food likes he hasn’t eaten in weeks, the messy room, and the newfound affiliation with testosterone. I actually understand all that. It’s the girl. I didn’t understand teenage girls when I was a teenage boy and now at 52 years old I am supposed to raise one! What evil maniacal trick is this to do to old men? I think the height of my understanding of teenage girls was when I was about 20 years old and my experience, knowledge and wisdom in dealing with these creatures has slowly disintegrated ever since. I haven’t learned more, I am losing what I once understood. Yet, here I am, charged with creating a confident, creative, respectful human being from a brain and body overloaded with a Molotov cocktail of hormones that yields a potpourri of before unforeseen emotions. Its like a cooking challenge show on TV; here are your ingredients now go make a gourmet dinner however the ingredients change frequently during the preparation of the meal. That’s it. That’s the charge that I have before me.

My poor daughter. She is my first teenager that I have had to raise. She doesn’t understand that I am experiencing fatherhood with nothing more than on the job training. My resume consists of raising little people, like under the age of 12. They are so cute. They worship you, want to make you proud, and they desire your attention. That’s my experience level in fatherhood and I am a master at it. I played dolls, brushed hair, changed diapers, read books, tucked the kids in, played games, and yes, even played dress up. Heck, I reached master level at hide and seek. The rules were easy to understand, be present and engage. At some point the rules changed and I was not informed, once I learn the new rules they change again. Now she doesn’t worship me, not even sure if she likes me. She wants as little attention as possible. As a matter of fact, I used to send her to her room as punishment and now all she wants to do is be in her room. I am now living in bizarro world.

Then there is her cell phone. This is my largest competitor for her attention. This little device is amazing. It has more content than I can compete with. The things of the world my daughter used to discuss with me she discusses with her cell phone. Uncontrollable input from all across the globe which many don’t think the way I do, filling up my daughter’s skull full of mush with convoluted concepts.

It appears I am in a situation whereby the probability of victory is futile. There is one overriding problem that I face. The fight, however dismal, is worthy of the vast amounts of effort required. It always is concerning our children.

So, what’s a dad to do…

In order to tackle the problem one must clearly identify and state the problem. So here I go.

As teenage years come upon a young person they attempt to garner freedom to make more decisions about their life and with freedom comes responsibility. The disconnect is they desire the freedom but won’t accept the responsibility. The freedom is enticing, fun, and liberating but the responsibility is tough, not fun and the accountability is typically avoided by the teenager. Its as if they want the life of child, with little accountability verses the life of an adult, that has freedom to make their own decisions and experiences the consequences of those decisions. Until they reconcile with the fact that freedom doesn’t come without the responsibility teenagers can be troubling. It usually takes until the mid-twenties for them to connect the two which is when the parent hears, “I should of listened” or “I should of believed you”.

How to avoid all this is every parent’s dilemma. One must close the gap between the time the teenager desires the freedom without being concerned about the responsibility. I can only tell you what I have done, but take heed, I am only learning via on the job training. I have simply informed my teenager this relationship exists. Over and over again, I have said that with freedom comes responsibility and if I cannot trust her to be response able (responsibility) then she cannot have the freedom she desires. The rate at which she obtains freedom is solely on her shoulders now, not mine. I have laid out how real life works and demanded that she learn it in my home. I am teaching her that actions or lack of action have consequences and I create the consequences in a controlled environment (“the lab” = my home) before she experiences the real-life damaging consequences in the real world.

This whole situation creates a second problem, her disdain isn’t for the consequences but for the person that has created the consequences; me. Yet the consequences that I create for her lack of responsibility are far less than what is going to happen in the real world. What I create in the lab is to demonstrate to her what occurs in the real world. I can allow a controlled life explosion and she can get a little hurt to show her that she needs to avoid explosions in the real world that will send her life spiraling into failure. This process is not pleasant whatsoever, but if I don’t teach her now, the world will teach her the hard way and her life could end up in a ditch somewhere. The struggle is real and the process is worthy of its execution.

At times I have to allow unearned freedoms to measure the responsibility acceptance. I don’t want to assume that I am still dealing with 7-year-old mentality so I allow her to bump up against the bumpers if you will and sometimes I am surprised and sometimes I am not. It’s a learning process. However, when the explosion occurs I attempt to gently point out the relationship between freedom and responsibility; again. Repetition is the key to learning.

Mind you the whole goal is to take a child and make them an adult. Currently I see many adults that have not quite balanced the relationship between freedom and responsibility, and I prefer the adults that I create to understand this equation. The lives of those that cannot reconcile the two usually end with unutilized potential and deep regrets.

Now my disclaimer. I have 7 years’ experience being a teenage boy and only 4 years’ experience as a father of a teenager. When it’s all done for me I will have 21 years’ experience of being a father of a teenager. Folks, I have a long way to go. I like to think that perhaps this might help some of you going through on the job training as well. I am in the throws of defeat and plan on snatching up a victory because you cannot beat that which wont quit. Now I feel like I know the enemy, its not my teen, it’s a lack of fundamental understanding of how the world works. Freedom only comes with responsibility. One without the other is short term and regretful living.

Leave Nothing to Chance,

David