I AM PROUD OF YOU

Much has been written on the psychology of validation and seeking the approval of others as part of measuring personal value and self-esteem. There are varying schools of thought on praising someone or seeking praise. Seeking praise or approval for achievement can suggest insecurities, chinks in our self-esteem armor, and feed into the Imposter Syndrome, which many people experience.

Seeking validation, praise, or hearing those words, "I am proud of you," is rooted in childhood and those cultural norms that influence our personalities' development.  Most children seek validation from their parents. You may have heard the phrase "I am proud of you" frequently, or you may not have heard it at all. 

Believe it or not, there are significant psychological connections to hearing those words as a child that impact our expectations or need of validation later in life for accomplishments, especially in the workplace.

Take, for example, a family with two children.  The first child is a type A personality and an over-achiever. This child tends to meet and surpass goals in life, so their level of performance and contribution becomes an expectation.  Susan always is on the dean's list.  Susan is still on the honor roll. Believe it or not, child one receives less validation and praise because the behavior has come to be expected.

The second child struggles with meeting goals academically and socially. This child requires more redirection and attention. As parents, we naturally give the child who needs the attention the time and effort. When the second child achieves a goal, what do we do? We roll out the red carpet of praise. We celebrate to reinforce the positive change. We say, "I am proud of you." This concept is referred to as "The Prodigal Son Theory" based on the parable from the bible.

There are two sons. The first son works on his father's farm, and diligently serves his father and family consistently. The second son asks for his inheritance to go off and see the world. The second son squanders all the money and then comes home. Upon his second son's return, the father plans a celebration to honor the son's return. The first son, who had always served diligently, doesn't understand why the second son is getting all the praise. That is how deeply this concept is rooted in our culture.

What does that do to the child who hasn't received the validation? Does that stop them from wanting it? It does not. It perpetuates the theory, and most will seek out an alternative goal to gain the attention and validation they crave.

Fast forward to the modern workplace. How often do you, as a leader, use the words "I am proud of you." with your team members. How often do you work with those who need redirection and attention to meet a goal and then celebrate that success? I guess that we can all relate to these scenarios with a great sense of reality.

Our relationships with those we lead are very similar to the parent /child dynamic. Team members look to us for support, counsel, direction, and development. Isn't our job to let our people know if they are doing a good job or not?  How do they know if we don't tell them?

It is essential to say, "I am proud of you" when a situation warrants it. Most people will tell you that they often don't know if they are doing good work on a project or contributing positively. Those words of validation are a big deal. Those four or five words pack a psychological wallop that lasts a lifetime; positive and negative.  Acknowledging outstanding performance and behaviors increases the level of happiness, engagement, and focus. Does that mean we should only work hard to get validation?  Not at all. We do good work because we determine our value in our leadership, not our leaders or organizations.  Yet, modern society is actively working against us.

Why would I suggest it is critically important to tell someone that you are genuinely proud of them when a situation warrants it? Because now more than ever, people want to feel valued. People want to know that they matter. Team member's work matters. Those words of pride in someone's work help them to battle all those insecurities and press on.  Please take a moment to think about the weight of those words the next time you prepare to say them.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.