I am not okay

I always start my workshops with a check-in. This is a crucial part of our time together, as it sets the tone for our shared experience. As we welcome each other, sitting in a semicircle, the participants must answer three questions, the first of which is always: "What or how am I feeling?"

The answer is often automatic: "I'm good," "I'm fine," or "I'm okay." The rule is that none of these words are admissible because they are not emotions. They're what your head is telling you to feel; they're not what you are actually feeling. Instead, consider responses like "I'm feeling happy," "I'm feeling excited," or "I'm feeling peaceful." These are admissible because they reflect your true emotional state.

I want to invite you to check in with me right now. Go ahead, close your eyes, and check in with your body. What do you feel, and where in your body do you feel it? Are you happy, sad, or mad? Or maybe you're anxious, nervous, worried about something, or concerned. You may be curious, hopeful, joyful, or anticipating. You may even be afraid, but your mind keeps telling you that you're ok, so you don't feel it. Fear sometimes sits in the chest, anxiety in the stomach, joy and courage in the heart; however, feeling your emotions in your body is a personal experience.

Our body is a beautifully fine-tuned instrument that houses all our emotions; we must learn to listen to it. Remember, our body is not just a vessel for our feelings but an integral part of our emotional awareness.

“Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body’s reaction to your mind – or you might say, a reflection of your mind in the body.”

— Eckhart Tolle

Life is very fast. We are so wrapped up in the details of our everyday lives, jumping from one task to the next, busy planning, running, and doing, that we never pause to ask ourselves how we feel about this or that! Taking the time for self-reflection can be incredibly beneficial. It takes courage to say, "I am not okay"! But this is the first step towards healing and creating a much-needed internal shift. Nobody is an island. Admitting when we are not okay shows vulnerability and allows those who love us to support us when we need it the most.

Do you notice how sometimes you start the day feeling a certain way, and then, by the end of the day, your feelings are entirely different? Do you ever take some time with yourself to reflect on what happened during the day that impacted your emotional landscape so much? Was it that meeting you had with your manager? Or maybe the conversation everyone was having at lunch? Perhaps seeing the results of a project you've been working on made you worry about reaching your goals. It could also be the news you've been following since the morning, which aggravated your sense of helplessness.

No matter what, being aware of what drives your emotions goes a long way toward explaining your behaviour as well. So often, we carry our heavy emotions with us at home. We become easily irritable and impatient, and our anger sits very close to the surface. The most minor thing can make us overreact. If we are unaware of the feelings we are carrying, we end up impacting everyone around us. Our emotions become the lava erupting from the volcano that burns everything and everyone on its way.

This is where the role of self-regulation comes in. Learning to regulate our emotions from a young age is crucial for social functioning and self-awareness.

"Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behaviour and your reactions to feelings and things happening around you. It includes being able to regulate reactions to strong emotions like frustration, excitement, anger and embarrassment. calm down after something exciting or upsetting." ~ source: raisingchildren.net.au

Self-regulation is not suppression! The best way to deal with any emotion is to stay with it, feel it fully, and allow it to fill your being until it passes. Staying with it means that you are able to hold it within the container of yourself. You are aware of it, and you are taking the time you need, sometimes in solitude, to just be with it and feel it fully without it spilling over and impacting the people around you.

With awareness comes choice. You can choose to be a victim and be unquestioningly led by your emotions, or you can courageously embrace them until you feel empowered to change direction.

One emotion you can actively cultivate to impact your overall well-being is Gratitude. A gratitude journal can go a long way toward increased happiness and a positive mood.

Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for. ~ Zig Ziglar

Make checking in with yourself and feeling your emotions a daily practice. You can take 5 minutes in the morning or 5 minutes before bed at night to practice checking in and feeling your feelings in your body. This will increase your self-awareness and improve your relationship with yourself and others.

One of the most important jobs we need to do is to enhance our emotional vocabulary. I am always amazed by how limited the emotional vocabulary of all the leaders I teach or coach is. This is why I often use the wheel of emotions in my workshops. The richer our vocabulary, the more in touch we become with ourselves and the people around us. This is an easy first step towards evolving consciousness and creating a better world.