I am not OK (un-edited)

June 5, 2020

A Personal reflection of my experience as a Black man in Corporate America.

I aim to bring proximity to the notion that prejudice, racism, and inequity aren’t completely diminished by professional and economic success. 

“Successful” Blacks also share in the burden of continuing to endure the deeply rooted systemic mechanisms of America.

With so many narratives being provided, if you choose to understand the current issue, I urge you to anchor yourself in the daily expectation required from you at this firm. Examine the current output, understand the transformation or process which led to that output, and then go further back to the inputs. Just as the expectation would be not to get distracted by ‘we have always done it this way,’ ‘that’s how this process works,’ ‘we can’t change our current process, because we’re dependent on another team who send it to us this way.” None of those responses allow for the consistent and innovative evolution required at this firm. Apply that same rationale when presented distractions from the heart of the issue = the desire for human equality and the examination of the current inequities throughout our nation.

If you’re still reading this…then realize this isn’t the story of someone you don’t know ― the heart of this story is…this is about Johnathan Hill. The same person who has provided countless shoulders for my peers to lean on, consistently shown a positive moral fabric and example of how you show HUMAN care and concern for your fellow man ― irrespective of background, skin color, race, ethnicity, political affiliation, etc. No matter how much effort I place into the previous, each day I leave my home with the understanding that I may not make it home. That is as much a reality for me as the sun rising.

I (and many of my countless black peers) leave from offices in the Uptown skyline, many of us in luxury vehicles, to nice homes, many to spouses and children, but most of all to the safety of our four walls. My family then prepares to eat dinner together and share the stories of our day. This is significant because my family typically takes a walk after dinner.

Although still in my neighborhood, I am no longer in my Uptown skyline office where so many peers know of me, my story, and my work. I am no longer in my suit, which ― to no surprise, serves as police deterrent … as long as it is also accompanied by a smile. The combination of the two have become a recipe to prevent being seen as an immediate threat and fitting the description.

But before I go on my family walk, since I am shedding that protection, nice vehicle and home, and respected position in a respected firm, I have to diligently take time to determine ― what clothes will I put on to prevent weapon zing my stature and skin color.

It’s a little chilly out, so maybe a hoodie. No, I can’t put that one on ― it’s warm, but big and bulky ― I may be suspected of having a weapon. Not this one, it promotes a friend’s faith based basketball training facility and has their logo and slogan on it…but people may not understand it and think it’s a defamatory statement resulting in fear that I’m a threat to their children. I throw on the slimmer, neutral color hoodie I’ve used to do work in my home. As I get downstairs a conflict ensues with the wife, as she is afraid I don’t look like I belong in the neighborhood, because my hoodie is soiled from painting and yard work. Since I don’t look as though I can afford this neighborhood, by the clothes I am wearing, then there’s an increased chance for an interaction with the police. There’s an increased chance I don’t come home.

I just want to take a walk with my family, so they can appreciate the fresh air COVID has prevented us from enjoying.

I just want to take a walk with my family, so my children can respect the importance of physical activity.

I just want to take a walk with my family, so I can appreciate the beautiful neighborhood I worked so feverishly hard to afford myself and my family.

I just want to take a walk with my family.

If this is what I have to endure to go on a walk with my family, imagine the mental anguish and fortitude the black community must temper to go past their neighborhood. Now replace the Uptown office with a minimum wage job and the suit with a uniform…what mental agility must be practiced daily to stay alive when venturing past the safety of their 4 walls.

Although I have answered, I’m ok for the many years this has been my reality, during current time where ample professional and social media coverage is highlighting the issue, I will probably not answer ‘I am ok’.

I am not ok ― I am exhausted!