I AM

I awoke in the very early hours of this morning with a heavy heart, I still wanted to belong, & wrote this piece.

I learnt to think mostly without expression.

My intelligence & physical abilities shielded my inabilities and expectations would become unfulfilled.

At home I was labelled hyperactive & disruptive. But the experts said I was borderline & it was a behavioural issue.

At school I could ace mathematics & science in spite of always heading for a window seat so I could spend my time looking outside. Yet when called upon to solve a problem on the board would do so with no effort. My report said Does not pay attention, could do so much better if he applied himself.

At the same time I struggled to write my letters well even with the lines & confused some, even with all the strength of effort & focus I could muster, I still failed to do well.

And in spite of my brothers being diagnosed dyslexic my parents were told I could not be because I was good at maths.

The observations were irrefutable, they came from experts, teachers, “does not pay attention, simply does not apply himself, could do so much better if he would just try harder”. Then the labels came, “lazy, disruptive, time waster”, and the worst of all, I was “a disappointment”. The look on my families faces, especially my parents, was a constant reminder.

Even my refusal to wear the glasses the optometrist had prescribed for me, at great expense to my folks, reinforced all of this. They instantly caused me headaches, nausea, disorientation but the Dr said it was normal & I had to persist. I did not, I could not.

And all this before I was half way through primary school.

I don't remember much of my childhood & happy not to remember my teens. I was trouble & I recon my family wish they could forget what would follow me into adulthood.

It wasn’t till I was in my mid 20’s & early 30’s things finally started to become known to me.

A Forensic Psychiatrist finally diagnosed Bipolar Syndrome. I was 25.

A Psychologist diagnosed Specific Learning Disability (Dyslexia) & Hyper-Distractibility Disorder (Adult ADHD). The year before I applied for University. I was 28.

A Developmental Optometrist specialising (& researching) in children with learning issues diagnosed Stroboscopic Hyper-Photosensitivity Syndrome (allergic to flickering like fluorescent lighting), Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome (allergic to long wave frequency light, red/orange end of the spectrum), Bilaterally different (significant) astigmatisms (my eyes see different pictures), No eye dominance (my brain takes in both pictures). I was 30.

A Neurologist told me my brain is simply wired different to others. It’s not abnormal. I just had to find my own way to do things, & look after myself. I was 31.

I finally achieved a B.Sc. Psychology. I was 36.

I am now 59. I still struggle to achieve anything. I still think differently. I’m still a disruptor. And I still struggle to express what is in my head. When I do it takes a while & still doesn’t come out as I would like it.

I am still a disappointment to my family who still see me as that little kid, never taking the time to know me, I’m too difficult, I don’t conform, and they still believe I don’t try hard enough, to be normal. I finally left them behind. Discrimination, persecution, no respect, not even common decency, and the thing that hurts me the most, dismissiveness, ‘I’ don’t count. I get that in the big ugly world, I could no longer take it from my family. 

I am more than my issues & the labels.

I was born neuro-diverse.

Through life, I am cognitive diverse.

I am neuro-cognitive diverse.

I am a normal part of the biodiversity of mankind.

I AM MICHAEL.

Many people live with a sense of disconnect with the world. Interestingly native people have known always, science has known for a long time, and now climate change has put an urgent focus on the absolute life necessity for biodiversity. Yet politicians, bureaucrats, education systems, religious organisations, and even the business world fail to see the true value of diversity viewed as they do through narrow short term vision often vilified by past achievements valued by money & power, yet the state of the planet & society continues to be in turmoil.

Even for many wanting change the conversation at its core is one of divisiveness. Recognition of differences ought be used as a part of understanding the beauty of the whole. No one part greater or lesser than the other.

I apologise for my lack of recall with regards to the author however the perspective was from a biologist who looked at mankind doing the best to avoid bias and came to the conclusion humanity was at the developmental stage of a teen.

When will we grow up. How much longer do we tolerate that which we can ill afford.

I am neither broken nor am I special. It would be nice to just belong.