I am me and nobody else.

When I say no, I mean no, when I say yes, I mean yes, not maybe.?I also have a brain injury, this may make me a bit slow, but so what??I’ll tell you.

My name is Duncan.?I’m 50, that’s 50 years old, yes 50!?At the age of three I suffered a brain tumour - a malignant brain tumour.?Different to a benign tumour, a malignant tumour has legs so it can spread.?I don't know why it happened, it just did. It didn't exactly tap me on the shoulder and ask me if I wanted to be infected by it. I had a successful operation to remove it at three years old.?That’s traumatic!?For 47 years I have had to put up with having no balance, weak down my left side and other problems. It's not my fault that I'm disabled, OK?

We’ve been through a pandemic.?For me, and possibly thousands of other disabled people - I don’t know so I can only speak for myself, I’ve had to stay home and not go out.?That’s been tough.?My mental health has suffered quite a lot, I couldn’t go out and see friends.?The two big things that I do - going to the gym 3 times a week and going out to see friends had to be put on hold.?I found it hard because my disability also makes me anxious.?As I’ve said many times before, I feel left out.?I also feel as if I’ve had too much physio-therapy that it’s destroyed what little balance I had left.? I feel let down. Now, I’m going to have to work on my balance so I can walk again.?My sense of balance will never fully come back, but I'm comfortable with it.

As I mentioned earlier, I am now 50 and have learned how to cope with my disabilities over the years.?I need help now and then.?I’ve only just learned that asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of.?I may get things wrong now and then, but so what??Doesn’t everybody??By writing this, I’m not having a go at anybody, I’m just trying to understand and make them understand as well - that’s all.

It’s as if people don’t realise what it’s like to be disabled and sadly they won’t - unless they go through it themselves. So, I feel left behind.?It feels like I’m watching the world through a window, seeing everybody having a good time while I’m sitting here, twiddling my thumbs forced to watch the world pass me by - simply because I have a disability.?But here’s the killer punch - everyone has a disability no matter how big or how small.?We’re all disabled, why should I be singled out and cast aside like a broken toy as if no-one cares, I have a life to lead as well, let me live it, let me have a girlfriend, let me have a voice.?I don’t need people wrapping me up in cotton wool and saying “Ah” or “Stay there and be safe”.?I want to be respected, I want to be loved - because it’s about time!?I don’t want to be stuck inside, twiddling my thumbs looking at four walls.

Is there a disability day where people can learn the impact of what disability has on peoples lives?? Able bodied people could have a go in a wheelchair for a day.?Wait a minute…why just a day??How about a week, month or two months, during which time they have to stay in the wheelchair, live in that chair, go to work in that chair.?Again, I’m going to say that people don’t really understand.?I’ve been disabled since the age of three - I’ve never had a job, I’ve never had a proper girlfriend.?I can’t seem to get a girlfriend because I have a disability and I’m told "don’t do this, don’t do that - we have people who will do that for you" - people who can help.?Thing is, if I have people do things for me, I have to pay for the service they are providing.?It’s about time that changed, because I’m sick of it!??And it’s about time that changed, because I’m just like you - human and I have feelings and it's patronising. I need a bunch of new friends. I want a girlfriend because I’m really, really lonely, but no-one seems to care.?All this may seem as if I’m moaning, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been badly let down and put in a terrible position that I cannot get out of.

Imagine if one day you were at work and you start to feel a little bit of pain in your neck, at the end of the day you go home, go to bed and sleep it off.. everything will be OK in the morning, but, it’s not.?The pain gets worse until eventually you have to call a doctor.?They come round to examine you and say that you have to go to hospital.?It turns out that that pain in your neck is a brain tumour.

It’s as if my life, because I’m disabled, isn’t important!?Of course it’s important - this is my life - not a game!?How dare you treat me like that!?So I want people to understand.?I’m crying my eyes out because I feel really lonely. My heart is broken because people do not understand the isolation that disability brings with it.

Not to mention I feel really shifty - like a fraud. Why? I don’t know.?Maybe it’s because I’m on benefits.?OK, I receive Employment Support Allowance and Personal Independence Payment, but I receive that money because I have a disability - a genuine hidden disability. It's not fair that I should be treated like I do not exist. As I said, I have a life to lead - let me live it!

My disability makes me feel shy, anxious, nervous and unsure. The way I make friends, I don’t get the chance, because as I’ve said I do not have a job, so I can’t meet people that way.?So I go to places and have a drink and try to meet people that way but I feel that some people see me as strange - I’m not strange.?All I’m trying to do is to make friends with people and the people I knew.?Again I’m not strange but some of the actions from the public are making me feel strange!? Give me a break!?Because you are hurting me really bad!

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