I Am The Lucky One

I am one of the lucky ones, and because of this, I need to share my story.

?It has been over two decades since my first and only pregnancy scare.

?I felt constantly nauseous; my stomach hurt, and I had horrible headaches. My mood shifted between irritable and more irritable. I thought with a sickening dread about what was causing these changes. The older girls in my neighborhood talked about what happened after they had "fooled around". They spoke in hushed tones about their options. Even in our highly catholic part of town, they knew where to go and what to ask.?

I didn't have this knowledge; I barely knew the terms.

I just knew I couldn't have a baby.

As the days turned into weeks, I started going to the school nurse near-daily for something to help the stomach pains that only grew. I had nightmares so severely I could barely stand to be in bed. I thought about killing myself to hide the shame.

?I didn't know what other options I had.?

?I just knew I couldn't have a baby.

?I finally asked the "bad girl" across the street. The one arrested for stealing and joy riding in my parent's car. The one who partied and wore crop tops and was barely 17. She clearly had a woman's knowledge.

I asked her if she had ever been pregnant. Yes, she said.

I asked her what had happened to the baby.

"Aborto," she said in Spanish and then translated for my English ears. "I had an abortion. It sucks, but not as much as pregnancy."

I asked how she knew she was pregnant.

"Why do you want to know, chica?"

I didn't answer, and that was answer enough.

"How long since your last period?" she asked. I didn't know how to answer her question and said so. She got frustrated. "Stupid girl. How long since you bled?"

"I haven't gotten my period yet," I said quietly.

"You're lucky then," and then she started to laugh. It began as a wry chuckle and grew until she choked on her mirth. She was laughing, crying, and coughing so palpably that my stomach's dead weight shifted and relaxed.

After carefully wiping her tears not to smudge her makeup, she gave me a primer on the birds and bees. You can't get pregnant until you start to bleed; until then, you aren't a woman. She then offered me a condom and a pregnancy test. My own neighborhood planned parenthood was now open.

I was ten.

?It's been 24 years since my only brush with that specific terror. And I still feel lucky every day.

I am lucky I was too young to "get pregnant" and still lucky that my assailant is behind bars serving what will likely be a life sentence. Less than 2% of victims are as fortunate as I am to have seen justice.

And I've moved on. Because I didn't "get pregnant," I instead got therapy. I got a degree, and then another, and another still. I've made something of my life and am working to help others make something of theirs.

But I still think about what could have been had I been less lucky.

Could I have physically carried it? Would I have been forced to? Would I be forever wondering what this person made of half my genetic code was doing in the world? They would be 23 years old now—the same age as the intern on my team.

I thought I was fully over it, to be honest. But the last few days have brought these ruminations to the surface with a vengeance.

Currently, legislatures in 22 states state they would move to ban or further restrict abortion laws throughout the U.S.

"But don't worry," you might say. "Most of those states would allow a minor and victim of assault to get an abortion, right?"

Nope

Many states are moving to ban abortions in all cases outside of immediate maternal fatality.

How merciful.

You might read this and assume my story is an outlier.

It is not.

• Nearly 1 in 5 women have experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime.
• 1 in 3 female rape victims experienced it for the first time between 11-17 years old.
• 1 in 8 female rape victims reported that it occurred before age 10.

Many rape victims carry the burden of their assailant's crime under their skin for nine months. And some experience joy and gratitude for the innocent child born from these appalling circumstances.

I would never begrudge someone for that choice, "choice" being the key word here.

However, I get down onto my knees in gratitude because I know I am lucky. I am so so very lucky I didn't need to make that choice.

My heart breaks for those who have now lost the ability to make their choice.

?

Thank you for reading my story.

As I said, I am one of the lucky ones.

So many aren't as lucky as me.