I am Crystalline

Men of my age were taught not to accept help from others. We were taught that doing so admits weakness and that the weak will be punished. We were taught to lie to ourselves.

Our fathers and their brothers did not set out to teach us these things. If we accused them of it they would be angry, distraught, perhaps hurt. They were our protectors, after all. They taught us to be fair and honorable and not to lie. They thought so.

But when we will not accept help, when we will not admit our own weaknesses, we are lying to those around us and to ourselves and to the child within us who depends upon us. None of us are without fault and none of us go through life without needing a helping hand from time to time. We are all weak if we are strong enough to admit it.

When I look at why I don't accept help, even when I don't see clearly why I won't accept help, I am at least unconsciously admitting that I cannot do it all. I take the next step towards being more honest than before. I take a step away from what others do not think, and I think about it. And then I have no choice but to see when other men accept help. I have become aware and I cannot go back now; change has begun and I am caught in its undeniable gravity. I am star-bound into a new orbit. The gyrations of those around me indicate new paths and new ideas to come.

We men are not taught innate honesty, but we can teach ourselves if we are brave in the face of adversity as men are taught to be. It is strange and wonderful that our greatest fears and easiest failings are internal and that we can accept physical blows so much more easily than challenges to our egos... but we ARE men, after all. Our egos are crystalline constructs, brilliant in the sun, amazingly fragile, prone to sharp edges.