I am a beautiful mess, and I’m absolutely fine with it.

One of the most common questions I received in the last few months from my loved ones and very well meaning friends and team members has been - how do you manage time? Job, family, home, studies, travel... I stumble and give random answers usually... never consistent because each day I feel different.... I never really contemplated this question until I sat on a plane today to fly thousands of miles away from home at the peak of one of the major Festivals in Nepal, Dashain. This festival is about coming home among many other associated religious and cultural things. I was going away from home.... I stretched my hands out one last time as I got ready to step onto the plane to get the final feel of the Dashain vibes of this year- the smell, the clear blue sky and the quiet. I took my seat, looked out the window and for the first time, after hearing the question many times from others before, I asked myself- how do I manage all of this? Maybe it was the first time in a while I allowed myself to ask myself how I was really feeling.?

I felt a strange rush of emotions, tears rolled down my cheeks. I turned my face towards the window into the bright blue sky with cotton clouds as the stranger on my right gave me a quick glance. My tears are stubborn - they don’t start or stop on my command. The question rang in my ears again as I looked out the window, how do I manage all of what I do? The answer was obvious to me - I don’t. I simply don’t. I’m a workaholic (no shame or regret in saying that), I take time off to study, read and research, I go for walks to get fresh ideas for work. I’m an introvert, I don’t put myself or my health first (slightly ashamed to say this and want to get better at this), I can stay indoors for months and be very happy about that, I am a dreamer, and I struggle with details. My kitchen sink stares at me desperately suffocating with a pile of dishes that I didn’t I finish up because I prioritized yet another long list of emails and slack messages, my bedroom floor gives me puppy eyes hoping for a makeover with deep clean, my study groups zoom link is desperate that one day I click them open and hear their heart out, my case study can’t wait for me turn the chapters and understand how learning never ends, my washing machine is tired of carrying the load for far too long even after she has done her job- “get these clothes out”, she says while I rush into my 9th meeting of the day….?

Family. She holds such an immense patience at heart that I never could. My mom’s eyes tell me when I see her after three months that it had been a long time, dad’s humour manages mom's moist eyes as he says the chocolate he kept for me has now melted and become “mock-olate” (he just invents random words)… I wish I got mom's calm and dad's humour. I envy. My genes carried more of my grandfather's character - whom I loved to bits. His passing has left a never-filling hole in my life. There is this lingering guilt of of not being present to the people I love the most in the world and then a battle between heart and mind - I'm sure it's not just my story- that's just life! Those who have got this balance right, please give yourself a big credit- bringing that balance is tough!

Just the tip of the iceberg - so much more mess goes on, that, as I recalled, it left me with little giggles. The kind stranger on my right gave me a quick glance again, and this time I smiled back at him.?

Classic me, I don’t start conversations on flights. When others do, it annoys me. Oh the pain of small conversations :D. They are important- I just haven't mastered this skill yet. Though we didn't speak, I had a feeling I knew him. He carried the similar story of hundreds of thousands of immigrant workers from a country that relies heavily on remittance (30% of Nepal's GDP comes in the form of remittance money from people working abroad). Most of them leave for low labour jobs in the middle east, leaving their families, villages and country empty, in search of jobs that will help provide for their families, feed them enough and provide them with a basic education. They manage to save a little and buy smartphones for the wives and children in remote villages so they can video call them and feel closer to home. What a difference a glance of loved ones makes when you’re so far away from them for so long!!?And how painful to think that the phones attempt replace the vacuum they leave back home.

I helped him to pull the tray table out. I translated when the air hostess asked about his food preference - he is a vegetarian. He struggled to loosen up his seat belt, I helped him. I understood it was his first flight. A young man, seemingly in his mid-20s chasing his dreams or may be being chased by his life circumstances. I thought of my country and thought of the company I work for CloudFactory that focuses on creating jobs and impact in countries like ours…about 20,000 so far... But impact is an interesting concept isn't it? I wonder how many people and families we enabled by creating such opportunities back home. I wonder if he was able to work with us, if he would still be on this plane.....I also thought of how there are increasing voices about whether or not we exist to create jobs when we want to play in the field of AI… This young man reminds me how we are decades away from replacing his job with AI. Technology is unbeatable now, so I’m pretty sure we will be there one day, but it’s naive to think it’s happening anytime soon.

When I shifted my focus from me to him, or the kind of lives people like him have, I felt beyond grateful for the choice I have about what I prioritise. Today, all of what I do is my choice. The luxury of choice many of us have is often taken for granted. Midway through my flight, my heart settled - my eyes dried up - I felt lighter. The wonder of perspective.?

When about 80% (I might be exaggerating this number, but believe me, it's not too far from the truth) of the air carrier is flying with hundreds of people that are, for various reasons, forced to be in the situation they are in and make the choices they make due to our country’s economy, politics and many other factors that come with it why am I sat here overwhelmed for the fact that I am flying to study for a few weeks in one of the oldest and prestigious universities of the world? Why am I anxious when I have an excellent job in a company I love, surrounded by leaders and team members that will challenge me for my growth and support me when I lean in and trust me enough to walk the path I say we do? Why am I overwhelmed when I’ve got a family that has let me do what my heart wanted to do - always, without ever questioning and instead always assuring that they’ve got me? Why am I stressing out when I have some solid, trusted relationships built over my career that even 15 years later, my first ever manager comes to visit me when I get promoted in a different company and the first thing she asks is what support I need.... These emotions are totally valid, but they need a wrap-up every time they come. I've realised leaving them open and never closing doesn't help my mental and emotional health. Here's my attempt to give it a wrap.

So, how do I manage everything? I don’t. When I try to, I get overjoyed and overwhelmed, I cry, I laugh, I get mad, I feel content.. so on and so forth. I become a mess when I try to manage everything. What’s most important for me is that I show up and deliver the best I can - at home, at work, in life. I am a beautiful mess, and I’m absolutely fine with it.?

And by the way, this time I helped the kind stranger with translation for tea, I dared to ask his name. His name is Deepak, he is from a village nearby Butwal District in Nepal. He is going to Qatar and travelling by aeroplane for the first time, and he said that’s why he doesn’t know what goes on in a flight. His younger brother is already in Qatar working. I said it’s good he has someone from his family in the new country. He said, “yes, but only if I could also take my wife and children with me”.?I said, “it must have been hard, especially since it’s festival time.” With a soft voice, he said “for immigrant workers like me it’s always hard… but yes, Dashain made it more painful.” He turned his face towards the aisle…. Maybe it’s his turn to hide his moist eyes …..??

So next time I get this question, I am simply going to say, “I manage time in my unique way - just the way you manage things in the ways that I don’t see.”

Be kind - to yourself and others.

.... and now I'm waiting for the next leg of my trip.

a.