I almost killed myself last month but I failed and broke free instead.

Last month, I hit a point where I couldn’t deal with my pain and inability to get any more work done. I was tired of telling my colleagues that I was sick.

It’s hard to explain to people that your body and mind can both shut down on you when they don’t understand the weight you’re carrying.

For the longest time, I pushed myself to work harder than my physical limits allowed my motivation always outweighed my body’s constraints. I was determined to keep going.

But my Ankylosing Spondylitis worsened. It reached a point where my body physically wouldn’t allow me to work as much as I wanted to. I found myself hiding away, going offline, avoiding reality. Emails, Slack messages, everything became overwhelming. But the child in me was too scared to disappoint the ones around him. I had been trained to make sure everyone else was happy, even at the cost of my own wellbeing.

And then, it got worse. Far worse. I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore, and I tried to end my life. But the same thing that drove me to that moment also stopped me, I didn’t have the physical strength in me to hold my weight and walk up the terrace. That was my wake up call. The red flag that made me realize I couldn’t keep covering up my pain with band-aids anymore. No amount of temporary relief would solve the underlying issues.

So, I finally did something I hadn’t had the courage to do in two years. I took a break longer than I ever had the courage to ask for. A long, necessary break from work. I had spent so much time putting others’ needs above my own that I was terrified to even ask for what I truly needed. But I’m glad I did, because I realised no job, no company, no task is more important than a living, breathing life be it mine or anyone else’s. I'm also so glad to have immense support from my colleagues, despite them knowing the full length of what I had been going through.

And here I am, stronger than ever. For the first time in years, I’m finally putting myself first. I’ve always struggled to finish reading a book, but now I’m writing my own. It’s called Break Free, and it’s dedicated to all the kids in India who are trying to figure out who they are while navigating the challenges of life: challenges most Indian kids face but rarely talk about. There’s barely any literature that exists for them, and I want to be the one to help.

This isn’t just my story, it’s the story of millions of kids who grow up in households where love is present but attunement is not. Where autonomy is seen as rebellion. Where simple desires, like dressing a certain way or wanting to express yourself, are met with disapproval and punishment.

Growing up, I struggled to find my identity. We moved a lot due to my father’s transferable job, and I never truly felt like I belonged anywhere. I didn’t have much control over my life: everything, from what I wore to how I expressed myself, was decided for me. Wanting to have a funky hairstyle was unacceptable. The day I asked for spikes, inspired by Taare Zameen Par and Aamir Khan, I learned the hard way that expressing myself meant facing consequences. A bunch of slaps and kicks from my father taught me that lesson. I'm laughing I while I type this but he's not any father he's a trained soldier of the military, so it really did hurt and bounced across from one corner to another like a football.

Words, too, can leave scars. I’ll never forget the time my father called me a “lendy” in front of my first love. (For being a poor badminton player in that match) Years later, I looked up the meaning and found what it meant ‘impotent,’ ‘a goat’s turd.’ Imagine being a child and hearing that from the one person whose approval you crave. I didn’t realize how deeply those words had affected me until much later. Every time I tried to express my feelings to a girl, I would freeze. That was the lasting impact of a careless insult, buried deep within me. I also never played any team sports again, nor enjoyed watching them.

Technology fascinated me as a child, but my passion wasn’t encouraged. I remember spending hours with the new Nokia phone in our house, exploring its features, only to have my mother snatch it from me and smash it against the wall in frustration. It wasn’t the time I spent on the phone that damaged my future, but the act of taking it away. My mother didn’t know any better she had her own struggles, growing up with an absent stepmother and a loving but alcoholic father.

My father’s childhood wasn’t easy either. His father abandoned him, and shortly after, passed away. Both my parents were the first generation to move out of an agricultural background. Their education was enough to secure jobs and provide for us, but emotional attunement wasn’t something they were taught. And this is the story of millions of Indian families.

For years, I’ve tried to bridge the gap between who I wanted to be and who I was. My confusion about my professional path was only part of the story. The physical abuse, the undermined expression, the lack of autonomy, they shaped me in ways I’m still trying to unravel. I’ve read countless self-help books on productivity, on how to be more attentive, how to excel academically, how to be confident in relationships. All of them felt like temporary band-aids. They hid the wound for a while, but the scar remained.

It wasn’t my diagnosis of ADHD, depression, or anxiety that truly held me back. It wasn’t even my Ankylosing Spondylitis. The real issue was that the child in me had been conditioned to put everyone else’s happiness before my own. I wasn’t taught how to prioritise my needs, if anything, I was punished for it.

But now, I’m BREAKING FREE.

I’ve taken the time to step back, to heal, and to finally listen to the part of me that I’ve ignored for so long. And I’m writing this book, not just for myself, but for every kid out there who feels lost, confused, or silenced and trapped by the weight of their upbringing.

This book is for the ones who are trying to figure out who they are in a world that doesn’t always make space for them.

No more band-aids.

No more silence.

I’m here, stronger than ever, and I’m ready to break free and make many more break free with me.

None of this is meant to disrespect of blame my parents for any of what they did, they passed on what they learnt and experienced and this is the literally reality of more than 90% of Indians, and my parents at least armed me with amazing education to be able to reason and stand up in this world and make sense of things, I have the power to give back to so many and I would't let it go to waste. This is going to be my first book and if you are a publisher, an author or a literary agent who can help me manifest and get my book across to the shelves, reach out to me!