It was Hurtful Then and It’s Hurtful Now: Bullying Has No Place at School or Work

As National Bullying Prevention Month (NBPM) comes to a close, I’ve spent some time thinking about my own recent cyberbullying experience. It ironically happened just days before this important month of awareness kicked off this year. Back in September, out of the blue, a bully came after me online with hurtful and frightening words. Sadly, and to many people these days, this statement is rather unremarkable. Somewhere amid my weekend plans of grocery shopping, participating in a fundraiser for the Juvenile Diabetes Foundation, walking the dogs and traveling with my daughter to an ‘Adopt the Block’ pet rescue event, the bully arrived, unexpected and uninvited, to my inbox on LinkedIn.

National Bullying Prevention Month was created to encourage unity with millions around the country wearing orange clothing as an outward exhibit of ‘kindness, acceptance and inclusion, and to show that we believe no child [or adult] should ever experience bullying.’ According to the PACER Center, the sponsoring organization for NBPM, ‘more than one in five students will be bullied this year.’ Even worse, ‘children with disabilities were two to three times more likely to be bullied than their nondisabled peers. Bullying is not only devastating while it’s happening; research shows that the negative effects can last a lifetime.’

It’s no secret that we are living in a time where bullying and cyberbullying are widespread community problems, especially among children and teens. More troubling are the impacts of bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control, students who experience bullying are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, lower academic achievement, and dropping out of school. So far, eight states have enacted anti-bullying laws, while the other 42 states have created laws and anti-bullying policies – all based around the U.S. Department of Education’s 2010 framework for how school districts will define and identify bullying.

Unfortunately, bullying, and cyberbullying have so deeply permeated our American culture that they don’t just impact our youth. Adults are also frequent targets of bullying in various forms – verbal, cyber, physical or passive-aggression – and will encounter bullies in both personal and professional settings. While there aren’t laws or regulations to protect adults, I think many could benefit from frequent reminders that on the other side of a computer screen, mobile device or cellphone, are other souls with profound feelings, regardless of their age. It’s a collectively vulnerable humanity that is often forgotten under the veil of our digital ‘keyboard warrior’ existences.

Which brings me back to that LinkedIn message from the bully – a former colleague. At first glance, I thought he was just checking in to say hello, having not been in contact since 2016. Instead, I opened a disturbing message. His words gave me great pause, as he aggressively hurled ‘old, fat, wrinkled’ as emotional weapons while also demeaning my professional achievements. I was in disbelief seeing these elementary insults come from an adult person in the technology industry.

Once the initial shock wore off, I realized this was yet another instance of sexism and stereotypes I have faced in the workplace for decades – only now, as a mature person, I’m battling ageism, too. At work especially, the credibility of women has long been tied directly to our physical appearance: are we pretty enough, skinny enough, young enough, or smart enough? If anyone wants to pretend that this is not still happening, I’m sad to report that it is.?

Here’s the truth: I spent the rest of that weekend wondering what could have precipitated this message from the bully. I have no memory of any challenging moments with this person. Was there something said or done that I had long forgotten, but he hadn’t? Or was this a textbook case – the bully, suffering disassociated pain or perceived slight, and lashing out at a target??

I thought about how sad the bully sounded, even while trying to belittle and shame me. Despite my years of experience and accomplishment, at that moment, I was vulnerable to the biting words and very personal criticisms. Being called fat, wrinkled, old, and unqualified is hurtful no matter who you are. But I am also aware that my predicament is not unique.?

Workplace bullying impacts at least 79.3 million Americans, counting those who are bullied and witnesses. According to the U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey conducted by the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) in 2021, bullying incidents happened at a rate of 43.2% during remote work, with 50% of incidents occurring in meetings and 9% via email. The majority of workplace bullies are men (67%), and less than half of their targets are women (42%). Sadly, while women are generally less frequently the bully (35%), they tend to target other women more frequently (65%).

As I write this, I remind myself that much of what drives bullies are mental health related. I also consider how much more difficult it surely must be for a child or young adult to shake off the doubt and insecurity that results from a bullying incident. Similarly in the tech industry, the culture can be unforgiving, where we are constantly on alert, ready to deflect criticism, anger and blame when things don’t go someone’s way. The workplace survey confirmed that bullying is a troubling issue as much for men as it is for women. As a society, we must do better to address these problems. We simply have to. WBI says that 90% of Americans would support an anti-bullying law that protects workers from abusive conduct in the workplace.

This incident has inspired me to take a more active role in bullying prevention in the workplace, especially the security industry. Along with my employer, I’ve pledged support to Respect in Security, an organization working to create a workplace and community free of harassment and fear. I encourage everyone in the security industry to do the same. Learn more here.

I think we can all agree that LinkedIn and other social platforms are best used for doing good and not threatening one another. When we do so, we set a poor example for our colleagues and our youth, and it harms everyone. Instead, let’s try practicing extreme kindness. We can start by forgiving the bully. I have.