Hurt Feelings & The Power of You

Revisiting that I was always referred to as “hyper-sensitive” and “very emotional”, and I was told that “crying won’t help anything”. My parents would sometimes purposely not share things with me. Years later in retrospect, I now realize it was because they couldn’t deal with the emotional response it might evoke.

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My poor parents did not have the tools to know how to help me process my feelings, so for years I was made to feel that feeling hard feelings simply wasn’t a good thing. I was too messy a feeler I guess!

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My mom was the opposite of me, but lived with my dad who I mirror (especially the “very emotional” bits of me!), so I guess she figured I’d respond the way he did and therefore warned him against letting me in on things that might upset me.

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Of course, none of that helped me process my emotions and I spent years in a befuddled mess over messy feelings.

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This weekend I have some messy feelings in me. There are some personal events upcoming in my life that are truly amazing. I very much look forward to celebrating these events, and eagerly await each one! There are also some personal events I've been excluded from that left me feeling more than a little tender.

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My sister recently asked me what my north star is, in terms of what I care deeply about and what propels me forward. It’s family. Simple as that. I care deeply about family. My own and others. Birth and chosen. It’s what has pushed me in and out of many situations over the years.

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I gave up my life in another city to move back to my hometown four years ago (bless my beloved husband for coming along for the ride!), not because I had a burning desire to return to my roots, but because my family needed me. Over the years, every time my family has needed me, I’ve been the first to run towards them.

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Perhaps I am a slow learner, or perhaps it’s the wisdom that comes with every silver hair on my head… But now in these silver haired years I definitely see things I never before noticed. I feel a disconnect in values within my family that leaves me perplexed and quite frankly, sometimes more than a little hurt.

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So how does one overcome the hurt and move forward, you ask? (Well, you didn’t ask, but I’ll offer it up anyway!)

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Do you have a practice that grounds you?

Mine is based on Positive Intelligence’s PQ reps. I work on my mental fitness muscles the way others work on their physical muscles in a gym.

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The repetitions I do ground me into my own body through targeted sensory-based activities using breath, touch, sound or sight. They help me process negative emotion in a productive way. They help me not wallow in self-pity and keep me feeling more joy than angst.

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When challenging situations arise, I lean into these repetitions. Leaving behind the runaway thoughts that want me to stew in self-pity or confusion or frustration, I focus instead – with great curiosity – on the physical sensations in my body as the negative emotion works its way through me.

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With one’s physical muscle set – if there is a heavier weight to lift, you’ll have to put more physical muscle work into that lift, right? ?

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If it’s a particularly challenging situation I must deal with, or a hurt feeling, or confusion around something that is so disconnected from my own belief system, I will have to put more mental strength into it.

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When I do, I can process all that directed angst into a more positive feeling, like compassion for the person at whom my angst may have been directed, (because I know that someday they will regret the decisions they are making now….) or gratitude because the challenging situation and the people in it become my mental fitness trainers (by providing the challenge that enables me to process my negative emotions, and grow my own power) or love because I love myself enough to take care of me through challenging situations.

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The challenging situation and its accompanying hurt actually becomes a gift; an opportunity to grow my mental fitness muscles, become stronger and, in turn more easily manage the next challenge.

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I honour and feel all my feelings – the good, the bad and the ugly. But I’ve put a great deal of work over the years into teaching myself how to process them all.

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Lessons learned:

Your most challenging situations with the messiest feelings are full of lessons learned, and can be turned into gifts and opportunities that help you continue to grow and flourish.

Celebrate how your own power grows in the face of adversity!

Strive to fill your life with more joy than sorrow, more love than hate, more peace than strife. It’s far healthier :)