The hurt doesn’t always have to be physical

For years I worked with a woman, let’s call her Amber, who was one of those people everyone wanted to be friends with. She was kind, generous with her time and always willing to help others with their projects and workloads. She listened to our endless stories about our kids and husbands. She never took sides during petty disagreements between coworkers, had a quiet way of smoothing over tenuous situations and was always anticipating her supervisor’s needs. We thought of her as this well-oiled super administrative powerhouse who was so good at her job that she could literally figure out what everyone needed before they themselves even knew.

We were in awe of the work she did not only in the office but what she took care of at home (that is the little we could get her to tell us about her personal life). Every night she prepared a home-cooked meal. She managed to go to her children’s sporting events, grocery shop, host an annual holiday party for her husband’s colleagues and help her kids with homework.

What I didn’t learn until years later was this this woman wasn’t leading the life of a superhero surviving on little sleep, she was instead doing all she could to survive for the sake of her children until she could no longer manage the anxiety, depression and the ulcers that ravaged her stomach. Amber was a victim of domestic violence.

For years Amber had been enduring domestic abuse at the hands of her husband, Tom. It started after she could not lose the “baby weight” after her second child was born. Tom started embarrassing her in front of his friends. He blamed her when he was passed up for a promotion and said it was her fault when one of their children did not do well on a test she helped them study for. He constantly called her at work to make sure she was where she was “supposed to be” and he timed her when she went grocery shopping or ran other errands for the family. She also had to produce receipts and exact change after every shopping trip. Clothing had to be washed and ironed perfectly and meals on the table by 6:30 p.m. every night.

As the years passed, the list of demands, ridicule and “mind games” continued to escalate. Tom would tell her things like “don’t even think about leaving – you will never get the kids.” Or “you don’t even know how to access our bank accounts.” Every penny Amber made was deposited into an account Tom controlled and managed. Amber never saw any of it.???

It took Amber years of being slowly isolated from her family and friends and transforming from a beautiful, loving and carefree woman to someone who literally survived by anticipating the reactions of others before she turned the page and saw the opportunity to get herself and her children out of the situation. And what the final breaking point was, I still do not know. But I do know that it took an unbelievable amount of courage for Amber to craft an escape plan. She didn’t have a single penny to her name, but she made her way to a shelter that had its own sort of secret society that helped her get back on her feet and to get herself and her children the counseling they all needed to start a new life.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I share this story to shine a light on the thousands of “Ambers” who are living in abusive situations all around us – whether physical, emotional, sexual, financial and/or psychological. If you are in an abusive situation, you are not alone. There are people, resources and supports available to you. Here at Illinois DCFS, our statewide Domestic Violence Intervention Program (DVIP) team connects domestic violence survivors and their children served by DCFS to community providers and other resources to help them heal. We also connect people who use power and control against their intimate partners to the resources they need to be healthy, non-abusive partners and parents.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, call The Illinois Domestic Violence Helpline at 1-877-TO END DV (877-863-6338) or use the?Illinois Department of Human Services’ Office and Service Provider Locator?to find a domestic violence victim services provider near you.

Robin Greer-Jogun, M. Ed., QMHP, CDVP

Specialty Administrator

Illinois DCFS Domestic Violence Intervention Program