Humbled

Last week, I started lifting weights with my son. It was a way to get in better shape and--even more importantly--spend time with my teenage son. Near the end of our third workout, we were doing push-ups. I was struggling. My son encouraged me to push harder, but I just couldn't. I thanked him for his support, and he responded, "Dad, you should write about this."

So, I've spent the last week reflecting on that experience through a leadership lens. I thought about what I've gone through since leaving my last job, what led to that decision, and what I've learned since that time. I kept coming back to the idea of being humbled and how it has shaped me as a leader.

This week, I want to explore what it means to have your importance or dignity lowered, whether by choice, circumstance, or someone else's actions, and how these experiences can help us become more compassionate and innovative leaders.

The first way we can be humbled is when others' actions diminish our importance. These situations are ripe with conflict and negative emotions, often stemming from power imbalances. When those in power feel threatened, they may try to elevate themselves by undermining others.

I remember a meeting a number of years ago with three colleagues where I was seeking to move a project forward. Two of the people launched a full-on attack, listing my supposed failures, accusing me of not following protocol, and even claiming I was jeopardizing the organization. When I finally had a chance to explain the steps I'd taken, what I needed to proceed, and how the urgency was due to a lack of response from one of them, things only got worse. While I owned up to my responsibilities, pointing out others' shortcomings in that moment triggered an intensely humiliating professional experience. I left feeling small, insignificant, paralyzed by a mix of anger, sadness, and worthlessness.

I came home and told my wife, "I will never let that happen again, and I will never do that to someone else."

Luckily, I don't stay angry for long. I always find a way to turn a negative into a positive. That experience forced me to reflect on times I had used my own power to elevate myself at someone else's expense. I took a hard look at my behaviours, both intentional and unintentional. I also examined situations where I had lifted others up and shone a light on their abilities. By comparing and contrasting these experiences, I gained valuable insights. I've since tried to apply those lessons by adopting better approaches, more patience, assertiveness, humility, and compassion.

Being humbled comes in many forms, including gratitude. When we're showered with praise, or witness something extraordinary, or are moved by someone's actions, it can make us feel surprisingly small. As I may have mentioned before in previous articles, I'm a sentimental guy. I have a box overflowing with cards, notes, and photos from over the years. They're a source of pride, but they also keep me grounded. Recently, I stumbled upon some feedback from an award nomination years ago:

"Every conversation I have with John, he mentions a student. He talks so passionately about the student's skills and abilities, and how they will benefit our local communities and/or communities around the world. If he's not talking about a specific student, he's talking about improving the student community as a whole."

Rereading this brought on a wave of emotions, mainly a sense of not deserving it. I felt like I could've done so much more. I was truly humbled. Throughout my career, I've been fortunate to witness colleagues achieve incredible things in higher education, transforming students' lives. They inspired me and others to strive for better, to treat people better, and to acknowledge our own room for growth. Great leaders are receptive to feedback and use it to improve themselves and others. They stay grounded and draw inspiration from others' achievements. To be a better leader, embrace praise with gratitude, but keep it in perspective. Remember those who excel and let them inspire you to attract others to your cause.

The third area I want to explore is how taking action can lead to humility. We often take on new things because we're seeking adventure, feel confident we can succeed, or are trying to solve a problem. We don't usually try new things because we want to be humbled; who wants to lose dignity or importance?

About 10 years ago, both of my kids were taking Tae Kwon Do lessons. Twice a week, I'd take them to class and sit and watch. It became incredibly tedious and boring watching 6-8 year olds practicing their kicks and punches. One day, I asked the Master if I could join the class; I had always wanted to try martial arts. I was tired of just sitting around watching, and I thought to myself, "This won't be that hard, and I can easily show support for my kids." So, I joined the class—me, the 47-year-old, with a group of 6-8 year olds.

Things were going well until the day that I was told I was ready for my yellow belt test. I told the Master that I had no interest in testing and that I was just participating to get some exercise and to support my kids. That was not an option. So, I prepared for the test and was confident that I could do the necessary moves, kicks, and punches to get my yellow belt.

Test day came, and I struggled—a lot. It was the hardest test I had ever taken; it was harder than my doctoral dissertation defense! I was constantly on the verge of panic, my muscles were tight, my limited reflexes were gone, I was experiencing decision fatigue, and there were times during that test I was paralyzed physically and mentally. I was humbled. If not for the smiles and joy of the little kids and the support of the Master, I would have walked out and never returned.

I went into the experience with a certain mindset that I was a good father and that if my six and eight year olds could do this, I surely could. Making choices to try new things, build new relationships, and take risks are all behaviours of great leaders. Leading with compassion and innovation requires us to have a mindset that fosters movement forward, but it also requires us to have a mindset that encourages us to have humility and understand that being humbled is a gift. The actions of my Master and my classmates contributed to me being humbled and were also the solution to me not being crushed by the emotion and failure I was feeling.

So, you want to be a better leader? Start by reflecting on those cringe-worthy, downright awful experiences where others tried to take you down a peg. Figure out where that negativity came from, what behaviours fueled it, and use those insights to chart a better course forward.

Don't be afraid to ask for feedback from your team – what's working, what's not? Find yourself a mentor or two, and let the achievements of others light a fire within you. These "gifts of humility," as uncomfortable as they may be, are the foundation upon which you build your leadership skills.

And finally, step outside your comfort zone! Take risks, try new things, and forge new relationships. You'll push your boundaries and discover opportunities that you never knew existed. Remember, leading with compassion and innovation isn't just about what you do on the outside – it's about what you believe on the inside. Humiliation isn't a roadblock; it's a stepping stone to becoming the best version of yourself.