The Human Experience @X,Y&Z - Part 2 - Effective Communication
This is the second of a series of condensed writings around the commonalities of our human experience. The goal here is no other than to lift the veil gently and have a sneak peek at what might lurk behind some of our "exquisite" thought patterns and behavior. The focus will be on those we all agree are making it hard to bring joy and expansion to our lives and the world at large. These are the ones that religion has been tackling for ages, that old philosophies threw their best shots at, and that modern science remains curious and invested in. All of them seem to stem from a common circumstance, though: the fact that, somewhere along the way, we developed something incredible... something that we haven't been able to find anywhere else until now; not at this scale, at least. Consciousness. One so developed that it has produced a novel uniquely flavored shape in the fabric of reality: The Human Experience.
And we've been learning to navigate it since... from the moments alone with our thoughts, to casual social situations and, of course... in the workplace.
Theory of mind
?Why is this person so erratically annoying???
Many times, behind the recognition of our common biology, hides the failure to understand the variety of inner human experience, out there.
As conscious?beings, we experience the world in a private and inaccessible way to every other creature?and, since we cannot taste other people's experience, we assume it is much more like our own. We go around life expecting to interact with soul clones dressed up in similar body suits.
?What works for me should work for them!?
Except it only does sometimes, at best.
?If we disagree, it's probably because they still fail to understand what I already know. If only I could make them see it!?
We get confused about other people's behavior because it does not always compute for us!
What we fail to see is that they're running basically the same hardware but with a highly customized operating system managing and controlling a very different set of software on top.
And that's how we get:
And we often judge these variances based on the cognitive dissonance they trigger on us:
And sure, there are situations where judgement is called for; we’re not supposed to accept behavior that goes against our core values. However, we shouldn’t feel offended every time someone reacts in a way that contradicts our expectation. Our mind appreciates predictability. And because it does, it also abhors uncalled surprise in the form of frustration.
?Could you try sticking to my IF-THEN-ELSE scripts, please?? - The Human Mind
The power of curiosity
When faced with cognitive dissonance - usually triggered by someone else's behavior?-,?we might feel hurt, unseen, disrespected,…?that is, if we take it personally. It feels like a unilateral breach of contract; a break in trust. If the betrayal is felt intensely, it will throw us straight into limbic hijack territory.
But we can CHOOSE to handle this differently,?just by changing our default stance:
And then you proceed to ?????? ASKING and… LISTENING! Mostly, listening. Attentively!
Effective conversations
Intolerance?and impatience seem to be growing rampant in modern societies. And I do mean outside social media even, yes.
It's clearly affecting:
Much of it stems from misunderstandings, I believe. In particular, from poor communication skills. Most of us enter some conversations (especially difficult ones) to prove our points; to make ourselves heard at the expense of the other, using shortcuts and trampling on people’s words.
We can see this playing out when we:
What’s happening is that we're not putting ourselves out there with enough curiosity nor with sufficient empathy and compassion. If we did, our conversations could look more like:
? "Tell me about it! My boss is also growing more and more demanding! It's hell on earth. Can you believe what he just did to me today?" ?
? ?Oh! I'm sorry to hear about that. Want to talk about it? It might help…?
? "Ahn? But you've been in the company for many years. You're not a Junior anymore. Besides, you've done similar things before; quite successfully! What's there even to stress about? You're making it bigger than it is..."
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? "I see... well, I've seen you in the spotlight multiple times before and I must say you did handle it very well! I can imagine?there might be a fair amount of expectation?because you've been doing this kind of event for a long time now. Is that what’s scaring you? What do you imagine might be the worst thing it can happen?"
? ?How can you even say something like that? I never took you for an?X!…?
? ?Oh! I'm surprised you think that way. You know,... when you said X it?made me feel?really uncomfortable. I'm sure that we believe something fundamentally different to have arrived at such different opinions. So, I'm curious... what do you believe that makes you have that view??
Difficult conversations in the workplace
Now, let’s take it to the workplace, where it is normal that you’ll need to have tough conversations with people on different levels of the corporate hierarchy (which - as you know - does not help!).
John. I'm tired of telling you that I need X to do Y. You never listen to what I say! I need this for tomorrow morning and it's already 7 in the afternoon!?I might have to cancel the whole thing because of you! ??
Just think about what?any of that ???? contributes?to:
Barely anything, I’d say…
The most likely results are some of the following:
Defensiveness: I didn't do it on purpose, Meg! Why are you berating me like this?
Justification: I just forgot. That's not a big deal. I can add it now.
Aggression: You make it sound like YOU never forget about anything. You don't seem to recall that time when…
Freezing: I don't know what to say... I'm sorry I made you this upset. I ruined the event! ??
Fawning/Folding: I'm sorry, Meg. You're right. I keep messing it up. Let me get you a coffee, please.
?? Not useful
Now, what if Meg had started the conversation as the following instead?
John. I'm feeling frustrated and anxious because I'm not ready for tomorrow's presentation. I just went through the slides you built and realized that there's no citations or bibliography.
This has happened before and I remember telling you then that I REALLY need that, since my content is very controversial within the field. If I don't show the work I built upon to get to my conclusions, I'm afraid I will not get the respect and attention of my peers.
Can you please add them ASAP? We still have time.
(...)
Nevertheless, I really need you to support me in this way for future presentations. Today, we caught it on time, but barely.
What do you believe you could do to make sure this does not happen again?
And is there anything you need from me to help you with that?
For exploratory purposes, I've had Meg go through many steps at once in her initial statement, but it shouldn't be like that. We should always avoid asking more than one question at a time!
Let’s break down this new approach then, shall we?
I think it's quite clear on how differently Meg's words will impact John and how they open up to a productive conversation where the focus is on the things that really matter and not on how John failed on multiple levels. It builds the space for John to safely explain what happened and then offer reparation according to what's needed. It will also lead him to think outside the specificity of that occurrence and have him explore how he can change his behavior to avoid creating a similar problem in the future.
Moreover, if John is led to provide both solutions and changes to mitigate this and similar situations, the probability that he will stick to it is way higher than if he'd been instructed or coerced to just do as Meg wanted.
A seasoned person would surely validate the above statement and science has done it also via experimentation.
And guess what? Coaching is precisely predicated around this recognition! ????
Now, always keep in mind not to divert from facts and curiosity. If you start reacting by taking things?personally, you’ll likely push other people off the arena of productive conversation. Don’t waste?all the hard work invested on keeping?yourself in your parasympathetic disposition. If you?can’t maintain others in the same space, you have already failed. All of you.
A script for difficult conversations where an end goal is needed
You might be thinking that this seems quite simple and intuitive, even. You might be right. For some of us, it is. Nevertheless, I'm willing to bet that it does not come out easily for the majority of people. In fact, I'd argue that unless we are committed and deeply invested in it, we will keep looking back on our discussions and lament that we've missed the mark once more. And we did not intend to.
So, prepare yourself for difficult conversations. Avoid jumping into them from a place of reaction. Place yourself in that calm spot of tranquility and genuine curiosity. Go into the conversation with the intent to find out what happened and cooperatively seeking out ways to fix it and build and understanding on how to avoid it from reoccurring.
Explore more. Fight less.