HR Joe: Having Difficult Conversations

We all aspire to be a leader, but when we become leaders we have things we have to say or do that might make us uncomfortable. In the Marine Corps they teach young officer candidates “ductus exemplo” or lead by example. Leading by example is being a selfless leader, being an honest leader. It’s not uncommon as a leader to have difficult conversations. Not everyone is a superstar, but everyone should be given the opportunity to excel. It’s how you approach those conversations that can be the difference between a performer and turnover. And you don’t want turnover, the average cost of turnover to an organization is around $110K. If you care about your company, and the budget, you should do everything in your power to avoid it. So what can we do to improve how we deliver difficult conversations? Here are six steps to help you through a challenging time.

Prepare?

The first thing you should do is prepare for the conversation. Grab a note or open a Google doc and outline how you want the conversation to go. What are the main points? What are some good things to bring up? What is the desired outcome? If you are nervous or unsure, contact human resources, that is what they are there for. They can give you feedback on your approach and help practice by asking questions that may come up during the conversation. The point is to not go in cold, and if this is your first time you better prepare. We are talking about people's careers, and you need to value that as much as the employee. Being a leader is not about telling people what to do, it’s about people doing what you ask because they want to.

Role playing gives us the opportunity to talk through difficult conversations. By doing this you can avoid saying things that will trigger the employee, send them on the defensive. A defensive employee is not listening to you, well they are, but all they hear is negative this and negative that. Next thing you know you're having a conversation with Charlie Brown. This is exactly what you want to avoid and is why you role play. You can practice in the car, the shower, during a 15 minute break. The point is you have time to prepare, that is the expectation of a leader. If you give anything less then you are impacting your employees negatively and that creates a toxic environment. Toxic environments produce turnover, case in point Twitter.?

Build Rapport

Opening your conversation the right way is the most important step towards having a productive conversation. To start you should “check-in” with the employee. How are they feeling currently? Is work life balance ok? How is the family? These are the types of questions that show you care, and if you want someone to listen to you then you better care. Most people will check-out of a conversation if it carries a negative tone, so keep it positive. Let them know what they have been doing that is good, give them some air to breathe. You want to set the employee at ease, and if they are meeting with you then they are probably on the defensive, especially if they know they are struggling. That attitude is what makes having conversations difficult. You want to set the tone for the next step so build rapport first. This should be easy in conversation as a leader because you should care about your employee. Asking questions shows you care? You may find out the employee just added a new addition to the family and is struggling to get to work on time because of daycare. It’s that type of information that may open your eyes to what is really going on. Now, instead of discipling an employee you helped them find a solution to being more productive at work. Maybe that employee can come in 30 minutes later and stay 30 minutes later. There are solutions out there, check with HR first to make sure you are adhering to policy.???

Frame it In a Positive Light

One of the key things you can do to deliver a difficult conversation is to turn it into a positive one. Many leaders are inexperienced at having difficult conversations, and understandably so, since no one wants to hear they are not doing well. That is not how this conversation is going to go though. Even if you have something bad to deliver you are going to do it in a positive light. It may go something like:

“I see you missed your goal for the week, is there anything you need from me?”

“You were late two times last week, is there anything I can do to help you?”

Remember, you are responsible for the morale and production of your team. Ductus Exemplo. You have the opportunity to do this right, so do it. Give the feedback but in a positive light. For example:

“Last week your production was down 20% week over week. I am trying to understand any barriers you may be experiencing so I can help you meet your goals this week. Can you tell me a little about last week?”

You may come to find out the employee was sick, dealing with a personal situation, or is struggling and needs training. None of those outcomes are bad, you are there to facilitate, not prohibit. By framing the conversation in a positive light you have engaged the employee which can result in a very productive conversation.????

Listen with Purpose

The one advantage humans have over everything else on this planet is our unique ability to communicate. Even when language is a barrier we can generally make it through the conversation. I lived in Okinawa, Japan for nine years and barely spoke Japanese, but that didn’t stop me from going to McDonalds. We are so good at talking sometimes we forget how difficult it is to listen. One statistic I found says we engage in some form of communication 70-80% of the day, but we only listen 55% of the time. Why aren’t those numbers equal or why aren’t you listening more than you are talking? It is in our nature to assume we know what will happen next and start to formulate our response while the other person is speaking. I am guilty of it. You are guilty of it. This is a behavior you have to learn to change as a leader. When the employee is speaking, you’re listening. You got the employee to open up in the “build rapport” step, now it is time to discuss the issue and how we can grow. If you’re not listening then you are never going to hear whether the employee understands the issues, no less the solution. If the employee thinks you're not listening they may check-out from the conversation. That is why for the majority of the conversation you should be listening. Listening for understanding, listening for ideas, listening for solutions. A good leader talks, a great leader listens.???

Be Flexible

If you are going to be anything going into a difficult conversation then you better be flexible. The conversation is not going to go how you expected and you have to be prepared for that. If you go in with a preconceived notion of what is going to happen then you might not listen and we can’t have that (see Listen with Purpose). Tap into your emotional intelligence during the conversation. Is this going where I need it? Is the employee invested in the conversation? These are checkpoints along the way that you have to ask yourself to ensure the conversation is productive. There is nothing worse than spending 30 minutes talking about something without any purpose. You will end up here if you are not flexible. Maybe the employee wants to bring something else up. Should you listen? Yes. To completely understand what needs to happen you have to expand your perspective.

Contrarily the conversation may go in a completely different direction. Maybe the employee brings up something you do that makes it difficult for them to do their job? Maybe there is something grossly wrong with the organization you don’t know about? To have a good conversation you have to be vulnerable as a leader. This is not a singular opportunity, you can grow from the conversation as well. Now that you’ve reached the end of the conversation your next step is to test for yes.?

Test for Yes

Now that you’ve had a much more productive conversation you want to create checkpoints along the way to ensure the employee is meeting expectations. Together you developed a plan that makes sense and is attainable. By recapping what was discussed during the conversation you ensure that you both understand what the issue was, how to correct, and by when. All goals should be a SMART goals

Specific - Measurable - Attainable -Relevant -Time bound

If you create goals using this method then you will have a clear path forward along with performance expectations. It is time to close the conversation. Quickly recap what was discussed, how to proceed forward, and if there are any more questions. The last thing you should do is test for yes by asking your employee their understanding of the conversation. Be flexible here as it may not be what you expect, but understanding the perspective of the employee is key to finalizing the conversation. If any key points were missed then weave them back into the conversation.?

Follow through is not a step in this process, but it is imperative for you as a leader to follow through on your discussions to assess your effectiveness. Give it a few days but “check-in” with the employee to make sure they are improving. If you want productive employees you have to get from behind the desk and “troop the line” as they say in the military, check the pulse of your organization. This is not an end all be all list. It’s my approach to having difficult conversations. I learned the most about this while part of a recruiting command where you spent more than 90% of your day communicating. In that scenario we were changing lives so we better be good at difficult conversations. From here the onus is on you. What kind of leader are you going to be????