How to be yourself at work

We are often told that "we need to bring our whole self to work". In reality, it is easy to say, but much more difficult to put into practice. It requires a blend of trust, workplace culture, security and self-confidence. ?

Then there is personal choice. Some people are more open than others in their private lives, why should their workplace be any different? As a kid, I spent most of my time trying to fit in and be more like everyone else. I soon realised this was impossible and since then, I have been more true to myself in my interaction with others?. At work I have made more than my fair share of missteps or, more accurately, put my foot in my mouth on numerous occasions. Getting the balance right is still a work in progress, but here are some of the things I’ve learnt:?

?Know that you are flawed and love yourself anyway

?At the very start of my career, I used to think that leadership was about achieving a state of perfection, i.e. after years of feedback and personal development plans, you iron-out your creases and are left with only strengths. It did not take me long to work out that this is impossible and we are all deeply flawed. Often senior leaders have the deepest of flaws. Accepting you are flawed gives you permission to be yourself.

?Find the right people to be vulnerable with

Look at your closest 10 friends and family. Undoubtedly you have different relationships with all 10 and undoubtedly your topic and style of conversation is different with each. Now think about something deeply personal that is on your mind. Out of your 10, how many would you share it with? I am guessing a number lower than 10.

?Work is no different. Bringing yourself to work doesn’t have to mean spilling your most intimate thoughts with anyone who dares to listen. Rather it is removing the need for a “work mode” that deviates wildly from who you truly are.

?Special mention: You should be able to be open with your boss, right? In theory yes, but you need to build mutual trust like any other relationship. The relationship is also prone to conflicts of interest so proceed with caution. Work out if this is the right relationship or if you need someone in addition/instead of your boss.

?Say what you really mean

The British are masters at subtle communication. I learnt that not all countries and languages have this concept of ‘reading between the lines’. I remember advising a Finnish colleague. “I want you to say ‘no’ (to a customer), but I want you to say ‘no’ using a thousand words!”. What I wanted was to soften the blow but with hindsight this is terrible advice. It wasn’t quantity of padding and sugar coating that was needed. What was required was to say ‘no’ and explain why, adding the conditions that could lead to yes.

?Say what you really think

People are falling over themselves to show their support and agreement. We use phrases like "I fully agree" because simple agreement is not enough. However, how often do we disagree and debate thoroughly? Whilst agreement has a feel good factor, disagreement and debate can often lead to well thought through decisions.

?Ever sat in a meeting and been tuning out wishing you were somewhere else? Resist the temptation to disengage and use it as perfect opportunity to speak out. Expressed with positive intent, your intervention can help you and your colleagues get back on track.

Have a sense of humour

Humor is an underrated skill at work in my opinion. Applied at the right time, it is a great diffuser capable de-escalating the most tense of situations. I would not describe myself as funny (unless you have a penchant for dad jokes) but I love to laugh and hear others do the same. If all else fails, you can always laugh at yourself.

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Final thoughts: What I’ve learnt is one’s ability to be themselves is traded off with a perceived risk. The inflexion point happens when the benefit of being yourself outweighs the risk. For me, the benefits have been plentiful as I have opened up.

Your colleagues may not always agree with you, some might not like you, but they know you are genuine and authentic with no hidden agenda. Further, I find people will reciprocate. It may be obvious, but if one person opens up, it can give permission for others to do the same. This is great for building deeper and more meaningful relationships. It helps build trust and you learn about yourself and others. Above all I find work less tiring and more enjoyable, as a result. What do you think? Don't hold back!