How not to be yourself

Have you been in a situation where you see, say a dress or a piece of jewellery or maybe a haircut on somebody and that person looks so cool, you go and get yourself one of those too? But then, to your surprise, the way that’s sitting on you is far from magical. It’s almost hard to believe how not cool you look and consequently feel copying that other person’s style.

I think many of us have experienced that sinking feeling and those of us who have gone through a decent amount of life have learnt not to do this.

At some point you realise that the magic in that person’s presence came from the fact that the person was simply being authentic. That jewellery, haircut or whatever was an extension of who they are and that’s what made them so attractive.

So instead, you start identifying what’s truly you and what not and shape your style based on that. That’s what grown-ups do when it comes to style.

Yet when it comes to lifestyle (and life generally) many of us seem to fail at that same junction. The speed with which we fall into an illusion and get carried away building and living someone else’s life is nauseous.

We end up living these inauthentic lives worried about what others think, acting to live up to what we think their expectations are and then we wonder why we feel disconnected, depressed and like a fraud.

The things is, everything in life take some effort whether conscious or not, and building an inauthentic life is just as effort and time consuming (if not more) as building an authentic one.

Here’s a quick guide to what we do to achieve living inauthentically:

Don’t voice your honest opinion

We’re wired to fit in, social animals. Consequently, one of our greatest fears is to be rejected by the group, looked down upon, laughed at, disliked. And sometimes we, as a society, or on a lower level in our immediate communities, accept certain beliefs, values, points of view and those who don’t uphold them or even oppose them risk to be outcast. It’s tempting to remain quiet or pretend to agree.

Act based on what others expect

Similarly, there are social expectations that we’re rarely taught but very aware of. This includes ones coming from our family & friends. While it’s true that some of these expectations are presumed, others are very real. So we do things like we try to act “professionally ” at work putting on a mask pretending to be perfect and to have all the answers (cause God forbid somebody thinks we’re incompetent) ignoring the fact that we’re human first and whatever else second; we go to college & often study something we dislike because it sounds good or we’re expected to, we have kids when everybody else does because “it’s time”– stuff like that.

Worry about what others think

At the same time we may stay away from doing stuff or going after what we desire out of fear of being judged or misunderstood. You see, one of the basic human needs is one of self-expression – this includes hobbies, art, other personal endeavours, ways of being / acting. It’s a need that often falls victim to that fear of how we’re perceived and whether we’ll be judged for following our impulse.

Spend your time doing work for prestige or money

This goes back to what I mentioned above about what we study in college and consequently what jobs we get. So many of us are tempted to go after careers and climb career ladders simply because it sounds good on paper and is prestigious or because it’s good money and hence helps with our social status and living standard… It may take years to realise that, despite all “success”, you’re actually miserable.

And how could you not be – you spend one third of your day (if not more) doing something you are not passionate about at all… It’s my strong belief that such a life eventually kills you.

Try to fit in

Obviously all of the above falls into this category but I’m talking about conformism to the extreme here – not only doing and saying things not to disappoint but overall behaving and even looking in a way that guarantees you fit into your circle of friends and family. Yeah..some people do even that.

As mentioned above – all takes an effort in life whether we realise it or not. As they say, being unhappy is a lot harder than being happy. Similarly – living an inauthentic life is actually a lot more laborious than simply being true to who you are at your core.

Now I know, “simply” is not that simple. It takes courage. You may disappoint some people along the way (although it’s mostly on them for having expectations about you and your life) but I believe it’s worth it. I’d pay that price any day and build my life – a gift that’s been given to me after all – as a reflection of my unique self rather than to please others.

I believe that’s how it’s meant to be – we’re not meant to be cheap copies of each other but magical expressions of life in all its diversity.

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