How You're Being Obnoxious and Demoralizing to Others

On a Minneapolis radio station in the early 90s, a satirical disc jockey called the Chucker used to conduct hilarious interviews of famous people. The Chucker was obnoxious. The bigger the celebrity’s ego, the more the Chucker would frustrate them with his demoralizing behavior. Go listen to the recordings. They’ll make you squirm.

Perhaps some of the discomfort as a listener comes from the realization that you’ve acted this way at times. And others have acted like this to you. I know I have personally shown some Chucker behavior. But I also know I don’t want to take part in behavior that demoralizes and disengages others, so I’ve found it instructive to analyze what makes him so obnoxious. That way, I know what to avoid.

Here are some Chucker signatures:

1. Not responding to people who put themselves out there. One tool the Chucker loved to use was the silent treatment. The person would enthusiastically talk about themselves, and the Chucker would respond with…nothing. Painful silence. Have you ever answered a group text and no one responded? When was the last time you made a point on a conference call and were met with dead air? How did it feel the last time you reached out to someone and you never heard back? Those experiences are all helpful reminders to affirm people when they express themselves. Return their phone call. Respond to their email. Like their post. Provide a quick, thoughtful response to their idea. Say something like Thank you for that, or It’s cool you put yourself out there, or That’s an important topic for discussion. It creates psychological safety and will encourage others to trust you.
2. Getting important details wrong about people or forgetting details altogether. Recently, when I reconnected with a client, we were talking about the change of seasons and I asked, “How hard is it to maintain that big yard of yours?” “I have a small yard,” he flatly explained. “Oh, don’t you live on a bunch of land south of the city?” “No,” he said, “We live in the city in a small house.” I’d confused him with someone else and reminded him that I really don’t know him that well. Ugh. To mitigate these misses, I write down notes about people in my phone. When they explain their child is struggling in school, make a note. If they’re looking for a new job, remember it. The Chucker can be funny when he gets facts wrong about famous people, but it’s obnoxious when it happens in real life.
3. Being tone-deaf to the energy and emotions of others. The Chucker would interrupt people, speak much faster and louder, and joke when people weren’t in the mood. You’re probably much more self-aware and sensitive than that, though I know I can find myself excited about an idea and steamroll others with my energy and wordiness. Or other times, I might make a joke in a meeting that only a couple of people think is funny. Consider not what you want to say but what other people will benefit from hearing. Meet people where they are more often than pushing them to where you are.

The fact is, you and I can be clumsy when it comes to building trust. We may step on people’s toes, offend them, and cause them to mentally or emotionally retreat. While we’re never going to be perfect, we can prioritize acting in a way that causes other people to feel engaged and psychologically safe.

What group or relationship needs you to act less like the Chucker?

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About the Author. Matt Norman is President & CEO of Norman & Associates, which offers Dale Carnegie programs in Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, and South Dakota. Dale Carnegie provides its tools and courses through a global network, helping to improve the way people think and work together. Norman & Associates also offers practical talent strategy in the areas of hiring, onboarding, strategic planning, and goal alignment.

Matt is a contributor to Training Magazine and his blog https://mattnorman.com maintains an active following.