How Your Work Impacts Your Relationships (And What To Do About It)

Everyday Better is LinkedIn News’ weekly personal development podcast and weekly newsletter hosted by Leah Smart, a LinkedIn News Editor. You’ll hear from some of the world's brightest minds and bravest hearts who use science and story to share strategies for how we can flourish individually, in relationship to others and to the world around us. We talk about improving emotional, work, physical and relational health.

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If you and your partner have ever found yourselves in a heated discussion over career choices, work hours or financial goals, you're not alone. As a couples therapist and assistant professor in Psychology at Northwestern University, Dr. Alexandra Solomon has seen firsthand how common it is for couples to fight about work. Most of us spend 1/3 of our days working — what happens during that time is bound to effect the other 2/3.

This week, I sat down with Dr. Alexandra to talk about how our work lives impact our most intimate relationships — and vice versa. In our conversation, she shared a framework for understanding common work-related tensions in relationships and identified three distinct partnership dynamics that can emerge:

The Slasher & the Traditionalist: This pairing involves someone with an unconventional, entrepreneurial career (the Slasher) and someone with a more stable, '9-to-5' type role (the Traditionalist). While the Slasher brings creativity and flexibility to the relationship, the Traditionalist offers stability and structure. The key tension here revolves around balancing novelty with consistency and risk with safety.

The Coaster & the Climber: Here, one partner is content with their current position (the Coaster) while the other is constantly striving for the next thing (the Climber). The dynamic tension centers on being versus becoming, satisfaction versus achievement. When balanced well, these partners can help each other both enjoy the present moment and envision future possibilities.

The Meaning-Maker & the Money-Maker: In this pairing, one partner prioritizes meaning and impact in their work, while the other focuses on financial security. The challenge lies in bridging the gap between purposeful work and practical needs, idealism and pragmatism.

Dr. Alexandra emphasizes that none of these orientations is inherently better than the others. Instead, understanding these dynamics can help couples move from fighting about surface-level issues to addressing deeper concerns and unmet needs. For instance, when someone complains about their partner's long working hours, they might really be expressing a desire for more quality time together.

How to Talk About Work at Home

When I asked Dr. Alexandra if it was healthy to talk about work stress at home, she said,"It's not whether or not you talk about your workday, it's how you talk about it." If we fall into a never-ending cycle of complaining about work, that can put strain on our relationships.

Instead, try the following strategies:

• Practice 'stroke, stroke, kick': If you're going to engage in conversations about work stress, Alexandra recommends what therapists call 'stroke, stroke, kick.' When a friend or partner is complaining about work, affirm (stroke) and empathize with (stroke) them, but then follow up with a gentle 'kick': a question or suggestion that encourages them to take action. Ask them questions like, "What do you want to do about it?" or "What do you think your part in this is?"
• Widen your circle: If one person has become your go-to for getting work complaints off your chest, consider the impact on them. Who else can be a safe place for venting? Consider talking about your stressors with a therapist or another loved one as well.
• If you're fighting about work: Whether you're arguing about the number of hours worked or how ambitious you each are, check in with yourself about what's really at the core of the argument. Alexandra wants us to remember that "a fight about hours is not really about hours" — it may be about a yearning for togetherness.
• Look for your 'power couple potential': Rather than viewing differences in orientations towards careers as an obstacle, explore how your contrasting approaches might complement each other.

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Watch: Alexandra's Tedx Talk on Relational Self-Awareness

Short Read: "Protecting your Intimate Relationship from the Impact of Work Stress"

Long Read: Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow and Thrive by Dr. Alexandra Solomon

Listen to Dr. Alexandra's Podcast Reimagining Love.

For more advice on strengthening your relationships, listen to my interview with the Gottmans on navigating conflict.

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Everyday Better is LinkedIn News’ weekly personal development podcast hosted by Leah Smart, a LinkedIn News Editor. You’ll hear from some of the worlds brightest minds and bravest hearts about how to live with more clarity and intention every day, in and out of work. Subscribe to the show's newsletter.