How your love or hate for negotiations influences your outcome. And what to do about it.

One question I ask at the beginning of almost every single one of my workshops is: "Do you enjoy negotiating?"

Having asked this question to over 5,000 people on five continents, across many professions and cultures, I am finally no longer surprised by the typical answers I get.

On average, only about 10–20% of people raise their hands (or click "yes" in our anonymous online poll). Yes, even professionals who negotiate every day! Yes, even in cultures where bargaining is life! I know.. I was shocked at first too!

Apart from curiosity, there is a deeper reason I ask this question.

With negotiations, it is much like with public speaking. If you hate public speaking, if it makes you nervous, if you dread being on that stage, you will likely not radiate confidence and give a very persuasive presentation. More likely, your inner discomfort will make you talk as fast as possible and do everything to get off that stage as quickly as you can.

The same goes for negotiations. If you are not comfortable with the process of negotiating (or at least comfortable with the fact that you are uncomfortable), your default reaction will be to get you out of this situation as quickly as possible. You are therefore much more likely to take a less optimal deal just to escape the situation.

Now think about this: If, on the other side of that negotiation, you happen to have someone who enjoys negotiating, guess what their default reaction to the situation will be. They will make themselves comfortable in their chair! They love it and are ready to do this all day long.

Guess who is getting the better deal?

The second person!

Without even considering negotiation position, skill, or strategy, the latter person already has an advantage by the sheer fact that they are comfortable in the situation.

And more: They will learn more from the situation. Because experience only translates into expertise if we analyze and consciously work on our skills.

I learned French for 8 years at school. And to this day, I can barely order a croissant. Your guess, how much I enjoyed the process of it ??

What can you do if you want to become more comfortable negotiating?

Negotiation is like a muscle. It only grows with conscious training. Saying I am a bad negotiator without having worked on my negotiation skills is like saying I cannot lift weights without ever having stepped foot in a gym.

You need two things:

1. Learn a proper framework

Just starting to lift weights can be dangerous. You can hurt yourself, learn the wrong routines, and not see the best results. Anyone serious about lifting would first get a trainer. Negotiations are similar. You don’t need very much, but you do need to understand the fundamentals. Collaborative vs. competitive negotiation, how to create value, how to bargain, and how to ask good questions. See if your company offers a course or take one online (there is everything from free on Coursera to mid-range on Udemy to high-end by Harvard and consorts; we have a few specially designed for lawyers here as well).

2. Put the skills and frameworks to conscious use

Negotiation is a muscle. It grows only with practice. The bad news is that this takes time. The good news is that you can practice anywhere.

Moving house, signing a new phone contract, insurance products, banking, buying clothes, picking a caterer, hiring a swim coach, painting the house, fixing the car, deadlines with your colleagues, task distribution with your boss, salary, vacation days, etc. I bet your day has at least five negotiation opportunities, probably ten times that!

Why do we not utilize these opportunities more? A lot of times we

a) don’t notice that we are in a negotiation or

b) can't be bothered to negotiate.

"Claudia, I don't want to bargain about every single small thing." "I can't be bothered." "I feel silly."

You don’t have to. But this is how you will learn to get comfortable. Because if you are not comfortable asking for the thing you want or the discount you would like in your daily low-stake interaction with the lady at the market, how do you expect to be comfortable negotiating high-stakes matters with the lady who runs your company? ;)

When I was young, I used to hate to bargain or ask for things for myself. I thought it was cheap, inappropriate or a waste of time. Gender expectations further exacerbate the notion of "don't ask anything for yourself".

But I love to lift weights. So the moment I understood how similar the success journeys of these two skills are and that in each case it is a learned skill that only grows with practice, I started taking daily situations as serious negotiation practice. The rest is history.

To your success!

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

PS: Any questions, examples, or thoughts? Other topics you want to learn about? Comment on the post below and let's talk!

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