How are your listening skills?

Listening is an Art that all Leaders should practice

The world is full of people who have different opinions on many topics. You often hear people who are only too willing to express their point of view. There is a natural response when we hear someone that has a different view of a topic than we do. That is to stop listening and to start to defend our own point of view. The first thing we do is to start to formulate a response that will counter any argument or point that you have heard. Then you wait for the perfect opportunity to begin your response. The question is, while we were preparing our response did we stop listening?

There is a big difference between hearing and listening. To hear someone means that you use your ear and acknowledge that some is speaking. To listen to someone means that you are paying attention to what the speaker is saying. The question is what are you doing when you are listening? Are you focused on the speaker’s point of view or are you preparing your response before they have finished?

Listening is far more that hearing what is said. Listening requires your full attention as most of what we are communicating is non-verbal. Some research has shown that as much as 90% of what we communicate is none verbal. When someone is sceptical about a point they may well raise their eyebrows, when they agree with a point they may start to smile, and conversely when they disagree with a point they may well start to scowl. We all have many none verbal ways of letting the speaker know how we feel. Body language is very important and the more you understand how it works the more you will understand the speaker. But, putting too much emphasis on body language may mean that you miss the main points that the speaker is making.

Have you ever thought about how you listen? Do you have a technique you use? Have you a different technique depending which situation you find yourself in?   Don’t we all listen the same way? The answer to that is no we don’t all listen the same way.   

Active Listening is the ability to focus fully on what the speaker is saying, respond to what the speaker is saying and then to remember what was said. That may sound familiar and most people will say that it how they listen. But is it? Most people start to formulate a response to a speaker before they have finished speaking. Is that really focusing on what the speaker is saying or is the listener focused on their opinion of the subject. To listen properly you should reserve your judgement on what is being said and just listen. Once you have heard what the speaker has said you should then summarise what you have heard and seek further clarification of the speakers point. Only when you have clarified that you and the speaker have the same understanding of what was said should you prepare a response.

When Active Listening the first thing you should do is to clear your mind of any preconceptions of the subject you are discussing. You should listen without judging, what you are trying to do is to understand what the speaker is saying. Let the speaker finish. Focus on what is being said, are there some points that the speaker repeats that may mean that this is very important to them. Why is it important? Are they speaking quietly or are they animated what is driving their emotion? When the speaker has finished you should summarise what was said and ask if they agree with your summary. If not, you should ask for further clarification. If you do agree then it is time to dig a little deeper into the subject. A subject has many layers, the first thing the speaker says is just the first layer a skilled listener will pick up a few phrases or points that were raised and ask the speaker to explain them in greater detail. 

Below you will find 12 different skills that help people be better active listeners. You do not have to become adept at each of these skills to be a good active listener, but the more you do, the better you’ll be. If you just use 3 or 4 of these skills, you will find yourself listening and hearing more of what another person is saying to you.

1. Restating

To show you are listening, every so often repeat what you think the person said not by parroting, but by paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For example, “Let’s see if I’m clear about this. .”

2. Summarising

Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding for example, “So it sounds to me as if . . .” Or, “Do I understand you correctly……?”

3. Minimal encouragement

Use brief, positive prompts to keep the conversation going and show you are listening for example, “umm-hmmm,” “Oh?” “I understand,” “Then?” “And?”

4. Giving feedback

Let the person know what your initial thoughts are on the situation. Share pertinent information, observations, insights, and experiences. Then listen carefully to confirm.

5. Emotion labelling

Putting feelings into words will often help a person to see things more objectively. To help the person begin, use “door openers” for example, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling frustrated. . . worried. . . anxious. . concerned...”

6. Probing

Ask questions to draw the person out and get deeper and more meaningful information for example, “What do you think would happen if you. . .?”

7. Validation

Acknowledge the individual’s problems, issues, and feelings. Listen openly and with empathy, and respond in an interested way for example, “I appreciate your willingness to talk about such a difficult issue. . .”

8. Effective pause

Deliberately pause at key points for emphasis. This will tell the person you are saying something that is very important to them.

9. Silence

Allow for comfortable silences to slow down the exchange. Give a person time to think as well as

talk. Silence can also be very helpful in diffusing an unproductive interaction.

10. “I” messages

By using “I” in your statements, you focus on the problem not the person. An I-message lets the person know what you feel and why for example, “I know you have a lot to say, but I need to. . .”

11. Redirecting

If someone is showing signs of being overly aggressive, agitated, or angry, this may be the time to shift the discussion to another topic or sub-topic. However, it is also valid for you to ask why the speaker is showing the feelings you are observing. 

12. Consequences

Part of the feedback may involve talking about the possible consequences of inaction. Take your cues from what the person is saying for example, “What happened the last time you ….?” 

Leaders need to make informed decisions on many topics and so the ability to listen to different points of view is vital. Those leaders that clearly understand the issues and are willing to discuss peoples concerns by listening and, as importantly, understanding where they are coming from will be shown respect and will build a natural following.