How are you?

When we casually ask, ‘how are you?’, we’re often asking a polite question that receives a polite answer, like ‘yeah, I’m okay’, even though deep down we might really feel like screaming, yelling or crying. I’ve even seen business owners answer that question with a feigned ‘great!’, irrespective of the reality of their situation.

Why aren’t we always able to answer that question honestly? Why would we choose to be the bearers of our own ‘fake news’?

Two reasons spring to mind:

1. We don’t truly value how we feel; and perhaps,
2. we need to appear that we’ve got our sh*t together.

Whilst it could be that those reasons are inherently connected, let’s explore each aspect.

Emotional avoidance.

During my experience as a lawyer, it was taboo to connect with a client’s emotional state. Among other reasons, emotion was seen not to be a ‘fact’ when bringing matters into evidence.

Our legal system seeks to resolve conflicts devoid of any emotional characteristics using ‘left-brained’ thinking = half a human dealing with half a problem. Which in reality is not a 'whole'-listic approach.

Given our systems reflect our collective beliefs, this told me that we do not collectively value feelings or emotions.

Integral to our beingness is our human sensory system. Our sensory system connects us to our environment, allowing us to have life experiences. You move to touch something hot; it informs you to be wary of that hot thing. Your sensory system guides you. This human feature functions wonderfully in keeping the physical body alive.

Similarly, we believe we must move away from the perceived danger of emotional pain perhaps from a fear we may be exposed to vulnerability.

Vulnerability to some, when broken down, unconsciously equates to death.

Having moved through many identity shifts, I understood that each time I let go of who I thought I was, effectively I was transformed. This took some courage as I discovered that to my egoic self, transformation seemed like a death of sorts.

Yet we are more than our physicality. We are more than mere tangible facts. For me, the ego represents an identity, or a carefully crafted version of our 'self'. For all intents and purposes, it was the version of you that was formed in early childhood based on your own ‘tribes’ rules.

Following your tribe’s rules, like ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘girls don’t get angry’, you, in turn, adopted those unconscious rules to keep yourself safe, accepted and loved by the tribe. This became your identity or, as I like to call it, your internal legal system. Your ego worked mighty hard to keep you safe then, and having a mind of its own, now won’t let its judicial position be handed over to you without a fight.

Your ego effectively ruled that certain emotions, or ways of being, were ‘unacceptable’. And now as a grown up, you unconsciously continue to avoid those feelings or emotions, as if you still existed subject to parental supervision. We labour under false beliefs that there is still a parent wielding a big stick, and so remain fearful of being vulnerable to the unknown effects of transformation. These beliefs are like scary monsters for grownups.

Keeping s*it together.

Transformation is growth and growing pains are a thing. This may be why we fake happiness, or try to hold together an outmoded identity, so we can avoid exploring the imaginary monsters that remain under our childhood beds.

We want to stay safe, accepted and loved by society in a similar way that we sought love from our own tribe. This is the ego’s safety mechanism at work. It really thinks it’s doing a great job, but you are no longer a child. It’s now possible that somewhere deep within you, you suspect that life stuck in the fear of imagined monsters, is really no longer for you.

What happens if I start feeling?

The paradox is, when you allow yourself to accept all of your circumstances as they genuinely are, you free yourself to explore any emotional pain present so as to fully experience that aspect of yourself. This is all about unwrapping every facet of the amazing creation that you are. We were instructed not to do that as children. We have been repressed and have not allowed particular aspects of ourselves to unfold, and grow with us to emotional maturity.

You’ve heard me say that everything is energy. From an energetic perspective, if you can choose to radically accept your feeling state in any moment, you are no longer in denial. Denial shows up as a resistance to your energetic flow. ?

It’s just physics.

You are either in a state of acceptance of all that is happening in your life, or in a state of resistance. Accepting what is, has a more positive feel to it. Resisting experiences has a negative feeling signature. You cannot live in both states in any one moment.

Let’s imagine an argument you are having with someone right now. Feel your body when you think of the argument. Can you feel any tension or negativity? If so, this is just the feeling of resistance. Feel it fully. Know it. You haven’t had the chance to explore this part of you.

Get the torch out and take a peek.

Now imagine just accepting that you both disagree. Imagine that there is no need to solve anything. Do you feel an energetic shift in your body? Does the idea of acceptance feel more peaceful to you? To me this is like shining a torch into a dark room. I see there is darkness but I light it up with accepting it for all it is.

If you say to yourself, there’s a dark room in my house, but I don’t want to know what’s in there, that is resistance.

Whilst the idea of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ might have some merit, if we use that idea to avoid negative experiences, we’re not truly living. We need to get down on our knees and say, ‘yep I’m terrified of what I might find, but I’m going to take a look in there’. When we realize that those fears are based on false childhood beliefs that 'bad things lurk in the dark', we become less afraid of our self-expression. Dark is not bad or good, it is just dark.

As one energy, you are All That Is. Exploring all aspects of you and accepting all things with a depth of maturity brings a greater lightness to your experience. This is a process of getting to know your authentic self, in balance. Overall, it feels peaceful, content or satisfying.

In my experience, the way I feel indicates my level of consciousness in any given moment, which in turn, has a direct impact on my whole life. The feeling self is, in my view, is the most important aspect of our humanness.

You might like to play with this idea for a while, like a curious child. You are energy. You will ebb and you will flow, but wherever you are in your life’s journey, you are at all times perfect and you cannot get it wrong.

Virginia Robin modern shaman, former practising lawyer and disruptor of stagnancy. If you want to learn how to sustainably solve any problem using unique methods, I am open to consultations. For more details visit www.virginiarobin.com.