How You Talk to Yourself Shapes How You Work

Why feeling behind is often an illusion—and how to reset your expectations for real progress

Last week, Emily Breder asked how my day was going, and I found myself saying:

"I thought I'd be further along by now."

And there it was—the expectation gap.

I remember that moment when I had a plan to get things done, but what happened didn't match my expectations.

And instead of adjusting, I started telling myself a story about how I'd already fallen behind, lost the day, and would never catch up.

Sound familiar?

I bet I'm not the only one who has looked at the clock at 11:30 am, realised they aren't in their flow, and started spiralling.

And that spiral?

That's the real problem.

Mel Robbins often points out how we trash ourselves with our self-talk and reminds us that if someone else moaned at us all day like we do to ourselves, we'd kick them out of our lives.

Gap And The Gain

The photo is of the walk after our ‘Friday night dinner’ this week with our friends; I’d been ‘hammering the keyboard’ and was stuck.

I was so annoyed with myself—too dull to tell you why—so I went down to?Club Del Cafe,?where I had one of the best espressos on earth.

I sat outside, smelling my coffee, watching Vigo warm-up for Friday night, and relived the week in my head—what a great week, even with all the ups and downs.

It took me about ten minutes to change my mood, and then I walked off to meet the gang for dinner—a total gap-and-gain moment.

Why We Always Feel Behind (And Why It's a Lie)

We've discussed The Gap and The Gain, and we often measure progress against an imaginary goal instead of evaluating our progress.

Consider this a Gap and Gain problem, just at a daily level.

We set internal expectations for how much we can accomplish in a morning, a workday, or a week.

But those expectations are usually entirely made up.

They aren't based on energy levels, task complexity, or interruptions.

So when we inevitably fail to meet them, we don't adjust our expectations—we assume we're failing.

James Clear talks about how small, daily progress compounds, but only if you see it as progress.

You'll never feel satisfied if you're always chasing an idealised version of what today should have been.

So how do we fix this?

How to Set Expectations That Work

Instead of setting arbitrary productivity goals, try this instead:

1. Define Success in Energy, Not Tasks. I win if I protect my best energy hours and work on the right things, even if I don't tick every box.
2. My best time of day is before 1 p.m., so I guard that time. When I get going at that time, I can focus like crazy and maintain momentum, but if something happens, especially later in the morning, I struggle to get back into the flow.
3. Start with a Smaller Win – Instead of planning to "finish a big project," focus on a specific, meaningful milestone. Success is moving the right things forward, not completing everything at once.
4. For example, our London Coworking Assembly aims to have 100 coworking spaces in London to participate in European Coworking Day in May 2025. But we’ll invite people who run coworking spaces in stages, twenty spaces at a time.
5. Use the "Did It Matter?" Test – At the end of the day, don't just ask, "Did I finish everything?" Ask, "Did I do something that mattered?" Most of the time, the answer is yes.
6. The writing down three wins at the start and end of every day is how I remind myself of this. Fun fact: sometimes I get to the end of the day, and I’m so fucked off with everything - but when I do the ‘win thing’, my mood shifts - I’m so in my head I’ve forgotten the good things.

What Happens When You Get It Wrong?

You do lose momentum early in the day.

You get derailed, don't get through as much as planned, and feel stuck by 4 pm.

The worst thing you can do is push through on fumes to meet an imaginary target.

That's how you burn out and work late into the night.

Instead, cut your losses early.

If your workday isn't going as you want it to, ask,?"What's one small win I can focus on to end strong?"

Even if that's clearing your desk, sending one email, or planning tomorrow's tasks.

Momentum doesn't come from perfect days but from quickly recovering when things don't go as planned.

Quitting early and starting afresh the following day always works for me; however, every few weeks, I forget this and persevere, only to regret it!

Stacking the Bricks (And Keeping the Focus on What Matters)

We've talked before about:

• Energy overtime management (protect your best hours).
• Small wins stack over time (The Gap and The Gain).
• Momentum comes after starting, not before (The 5-Second Rule).

Today, we're layering this: The expectation gap is why we feel behind—even when making real progress.

So the question is: Are you tracking real progress or just chasing an imaginary goal that doesn't exist?

If you've been monitoring wins, as we discussed in a previous newsletter, have you reviewed them?

If not, try this today:

? Look at your last week. What three things moved forward?

? What's one way you could measure success differently tomorrow?

? If you're constantly feeling behind, is the problem your effort—or your expectations?

Final Thought: Stop Measuring Against a Made-Up Standard

What would happen if, instead of trying to be "further along", you focused on being exactly where you are—but making the next step count?

You don't need to do more—you need to recognise the progress already happening.

Let me know if you have felt this expectation gap in your work and how you have handled it.

See you next week!

— Bernie ??

Coworking Strategist, Creator, & Trying to Catch His Expectations

p.s.?If you are a?coworking space owner?or?community manager,

Join our one-hour online event, ‘Unreasonable Connection,’ on Wednesday, 12 February 2025, from 12 to 1 pm ?????RSVP here.?