How are you speaking to yourself?

Compassion should be simple.

And it often is. Just a few days ago, I read a story in the Seattle Times about the power of compassion.

The author, a psychotherapist, was trying to get home to the U.S. and spent three hours unsuccessfully trying to check in from her computer and the airline’s labyrinthine phone system.

When she arrived at the airport, the kiosks failed her as well and she collapsed in tears.

But her savior came in the form of a ticket agent who kindly asked for her ticket and said four magic words to her: “I’ll be right back.”

The author describes this as “ the best words I’d ever heard, maybe even more than ‘you have a healthy baby girl.’”

Small words, big impact.

I believe most of us consider ourselves compassionate people and would rarely, if ever, say anything that would deliberately hurt someone.

But why do we struggle so much to be compassionate with ourselves?

In my work with founders and CEOs, I have found that those in leadership positions are even less likely to practice self-compassion.

Several years ago, I read a wonderful article in the Harvard Business Review which helped shape how I help my clients be more self-compassionate.

I definitely recommend reading the piece, but here are some key takeaways.

First, let’s start with how to define self-compassion.

According to Kristen Neff, one of the leading researchers on the subject, there are three core elements to self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Leaders often mistakenly believe that self-compassion means being “easy on yourself,” but the reality is quite different.

Instead, self-compassion is the foundation for resilience and helps develop the courage to face hard facts.

By taking an honest look at yourself, versus one that is overly critical or harsh, you grow stronger as a leader and are better equipped to weather the inevitable storms that will come your way.

Leaders who are self-compassionate also have more:

• Emotional intelligence
• Resilience
• Growth mindset
• Integrity
• Compassion toward others

So, how do we learn how to do this? The article gives three great tips which I’ll summarize below:

• Practice in the moment: This is a nice quick exercise you can do in just seconds. Take three deep breaths and with each breath, think three subsequent thoughts, each connected to one of the core elements of self-compassion (self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness).
• Rewire your brain: As many of you know, I’m a huge proponent of meditation, and focusing some of your meditation time on self-compassion will help you visualize it within yourself and bring it to the rest of your day.
• Shift your mindset: Draft an encouraging letter to yourself from your inner compassionate voice, answering the following questions: What would your inner mentor say about the challenges you’re facing? What might they suggest and how would they encourage you? What would you tell a friend who is struggling with a similar situation?

I’ve tried all three of these and encourage you to do the same. I know you’ll find they make a huge difference in the way you talk to the most important person… yourself.

Thanks for reading,

Peter